flight, running, i need councillors to talk to the mum about 17 year old with signs of depression, so one has to help me

[future_]

I am a mum of a 17year old daughter and i am watching the classic signs of depression, she runs and hides when ever she has to talk about where she is at in life. I have tried a couple of councillors with her but she tells little cover up lies to them so they are not getting to treat the REAL deep down depression and I think the privacy laws should be changed so the parents who are housing and look after these people, the councillors should be checking in with them because we can point out the white lies they are telling them and really get to the bottom of actually helping these young adults before their whole life is ruined. Instead we get frustrated at home because nothing is getting better because the counciler is not getting the correct true story. Please help me

[JessF]

Hello future, you sound quite frantic about not being able to get your daughter the help you feel she needs. I really feel through your post that you wish you were in that counselling room setting the story straight and getting your daughter on the right path, and it must make you feel a bit helpless that you can't be in there to do that. It seems like you're so worried about your daughter, and fear that she is unable or unwilling to express herself, or even perhaps be a separate person with her own wishes and needs. From your post, it sounds like you have been the one in control of your daughter's help-seeking, choosing the counsellors, interrogating her about where she is at in life, and what she has talked about in the counselling sessions. I understand you will be doing this out of a deep love and concern for her welfare. But I'm also wondering what impact you might think this approach could be having on how things are going at the moment? What else do you think you could try differently seeing as this approach is not working?
 

[future_]

no I do not want to sit in the councilling sessions at all and I dont quiz her constantly about what she talks about I am adult 50 years plus to know that it is her business but when you see there is no changes at all in her lying to me and no changes in her even trying to fix herself the only conclusion is that she is not telling the councillor the truth about what she is coping with and so they are getting money for no result and this is what I want to be able to just tell the councillor what she is doing in between her councilling sessions. Everyone tells me to kick her out and let her struggle and find her own way but as a mum I can not do that and she knows that. I am very very upset about the wasted time which could be helping her in her future before long it will middle twenties, early thirties and we are still in the same situation because no one actually get my input on her progression. I feel I am the only one who actually cares about her future and this has me in tears even writing this.

[JessF]

Hello future, I'm sorry you're so deeply sad at the moment about where this is going. I do understand that it's your strong love and concern for your daughter's future that has you feeling like this at the moment. It definitely sounds like other people have been putting in their two cents and telling you how you should be handling things with your daughter, including kicking her out of home and letting her struggle on her own. That's not an option, of course. You want to be part of your daughter's life and you especially want to make sure she doesn't waste the years ahead. I can feel you care so very much about what happens to her and you want her to see her make changes. One idea you've had is to tell the counsellor what's happening between the sessions at home. Can you think of a way you might be able to do that? You might not be able to have a conversation with the counsellor, but are there others ways you might be able to let the counsellor in on what's happening so she is better informed from your perspective?

[therising]

Hi future_

Wondering if it's worth considering a slightly different approach. Seeing depression is comprised of a number of factors, perhaps addressing factors you have greater control over could end up influencing you're daughter's well-being.

• A lot of research has been done regarding gut health and the impact it has on mental well-being. We all house a very complex system inside of us which benefits from us ingesting a variety of particular foods. Researching this angle yourself or seeing a dietician for advice (you don't need to take your daughter) could work some magic
• Exercise also gets a lot of positive chemistry working. If your daughter's mentioned lately how she'd like to participate in some exercise based things her friends are doing, part of the work may have already been done for you (getting her motivated). Even something as outside the square as an interest in photography for example, could get her walking out in nature. This sort of thing offers a number of positive connections (mind, body and spirit)
• Identity can be a major issue for some folk, whether they be deeply challenged by mental health issues or not. How we identify with our environment and our experiences can have a significant impact on us. Can you think of ways to provide your daughter with inspiring environments and experiences? Not sure how interested she'd be if you said, for example 'I'm thinking of starting a vegetable patch in the back yard. I want you to have your own special section. How about tomatoes? It'll only take 20 minutes to plant them'. Whilst a one off 20 minutes investment of time may not seem like a significant thing, watching those tomatoes grow and hearing family members speak about how beautiful they taste provides an ongoing sense of achievement. Being able to prompt your daughter to acknowledge 'I am a creator of beautiful things and I am an achiever' promotes a positive sense of identity and internal chemistry. Many of the small things in life, when put together, can gradually bring us down. Many of the small things in life, when put together, can also raise us up.

If your daughter doesn't feel like she can discuss her challenges openly, there are a number of ways to influence her mental health without necessarily raising the subject on an ongoing basis. Guidance will often play a major part in mental well-being. Shining a light on self-empowering thoughts and experiences may provide exactly the sort of guidance a person is seeking at times.

[future_]

How? Jess what would be an idea because I am met with no reply or response when I try phoning, letter writing and waiting in waiting room after sessions. it's not helping my depression life either. xox

[future_]

please know i have tried getting her to eat healthier and exercise to no avail. I will try the planting. Please help me because this is really upsetting me if you could imagine a person you brought into this world struggling breaks my heart so much. I am severely depressed and drinking to make everything go away.

[JessF]

Hello future, nice to see you back again. Ok, so you have already provided some feedback to your daughter's counsellor by phone and in writing. So the counsellor has heard what you've said, but you have no way of knowing if that has been helpful or useful, and that uncertainty is very upsetting, especially when you still see your daughter struggling every week.

I really wish I were able to wave a magic wand for you and find an answer, and I'm sure your daughter's counsellor feels the same way too. I see you pulling out all the stops to try and make your daughter better, even though you mentioned in a previous post that you understand your daughter is an adult with her own life and managing her own business, so it sounds like you know in your heart that there is very little control you have over what your daughter does and thinks. I really see how upsetting this is for you, how helpless this must make you feel, and how you don't feel listened to, either by your daughter or by her counsellor.

I also see this is having a big emotional toll on you, including turning you to drinking in order to cope. I sense that this is not how you would like to be coping with things. Would that be fair to say?

[future_]

that is the hardest thing to understand I found the answer and that is for the councillor to contact me because they dont live with them and see what happens away from the session time. i am devastated and so helpless in helping a love one before it's to late and they are severely depressed for their life. it's wrong the system is so wrong but the councillor still gets paid and nothing is getting better, so wrong please understand i have no one to help me my family doesnt care a their other side of the family keep saying it's their life and they will realise when they are older what to do to fix it. It's too late then the damage has happened and it's ten times harder to fix. i am living proof of that. pray that someone helps me soon before we have no where to be at peace. xox

[JessF]

Hello again future, I can see that you are especially worried for your daughter because in her depression you can see a lot of your own experience, and you're worried that if she doesn't get decent help now, she won't be able to change things once she's older. Your family doesn't seem to agree with you on this, and this makes you feel even more isolated and alone. It sounds like you feel that you are a damaged person yourself, and maybe feel like change is very hard for you, perhaps even impossible, and you imagine things will turn out exactly the same for your daughter as they have for you. I really feel that you desperately want to find somewhere you can feel at peace. What do you think that would look like? Could you describe that peace, what you would be doing and what it would feel like?