Feel like I'am failing and not coping!

[Mks84]

My husband has severe depression, after several years of failed attempts, encouraging, begging and pleading with him to seek help and actually follow through treatment, he is now on the right track and has his first psychologist appointment this week. My problem is I'm not coping very well, he is the worst he has been and has left a large trail of destruction in our marriage! I want to support him and help him as best as I can but I'am so very hurt by his actions in the last few months and feel so emotionally drained in riding the merry go round that never stops! I feel like I'am failing him, in giving him the support, understanding and patients he needs and this makes me very upset! We are constantly repeating the same conversations and arguments in which he will bring up the same things over and over and I have had enough! I don't know how to deal with this? I have tried not engaging but he will keep pestering and following me around the house to the point where I have left for a few hours, this initially worked but only for a day a two and then it starts again. I have tried just listening and validating his feelings but this just seems to annoy him more, I have tried to be understanding, compromise, negotiate but again its not enough for him we cant more than day a two and again it will start. I'm now at the point where I have very little patients and become frustrated and at times angry with him, I have virtually zero tolerance when it comes to talking about issues in our relationship. He is not in the right frame of mind to be having these conversations the exact reasons I don't initiate any conversation regarding these issues but he can't see that in himself and I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this, I don't want to give up on him or our relationship but I so tired!

[Croix]

Dear Mks84~

Welcome and thank you for posting, something that can seem a very big step. Take heart in that there are many here who have had the same sort of experiences and can lend their experiences.

I'm afraid my experience is only with the illness itself. I was invalided from my occupation with PTSD, anxiety and depression. When I was in the worse stages I was not capable of holding a coherent and considerate conversation, in fact I was bad-tempered and downright unreasonable. My wife had to bear the brunt of this, plus hold the family together and go to work as well.

I owed her a great debt. One thing I know is that until it was explained in detail to her by my doctor she had a great deal for doubt and self-blame. All of which was totally unfounded. Also for you to blame your husband in these circumstances is quite natural -from your point of view he is letting you down.

I found the things I said were the illness talking, not me. Now I do not know anything about your husband's condition, the hope here is that he will have a GP and psychologist treating him, possibly with meds, therapies and guided self-help.

Not a quick fix I'm afraid, though depending on the illness a noticeable improvement may not be that far away.

Still a large burden on you, and here family support is great if you have any. My wife had her mother who helped big-time - do you have anyone to confide in and support you? Also you don't mention if you have any kids?

beyondblue is aware of the difficulties of being a carer and has published information on the subject,

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0445

There is also a whole section on the Forum devoted to carers, perhaps you might like to have a browse and see others in similar situations and how they are coping.

Please post more about yourself, you will be met with care and understanding,

Croix

[geoff]

dear Mks, I am deeply sorry that you are facing the brunt of all of his problems, because you can only support him as much as you can, but when nothing seems to be working, it will certainly wear you down by not knowing what on earth you can do, well now it seems as though that time has come where you have no answers and even if you did then he might not agree with any of them, so what is happening is that you have broken down and can't cope any longer with his tirade of pestering you.
You can no longer be of any assistance to him at the moment, because he will never accept what you have been saying to him, he doesn't believe you and doesn't want to, so what I hope is that the psychologist will admit him into hospital, especially after several attempts, although I'm not saying that going to hospital is going to be the answer, because they could release him shortly after, but it's something to think about, because you need some rest, as well as some piece and quite.
It's well and good to try and help your husband, but he won't accept any of this so now is the time that you have to look after yourself, you need to get as much support as possible by leaving the house and moving in with someone who is close to you, plus to see your doctor.
I know what you maybe thinking about what could happen to him, but he could do anything when you are with him, that you don't know and don't want to know about, but it's important that you get the help you desperately need, this is essential.
Please I hope that you will get back to us. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Mks,

Both my husband and I have depression, so life in our home can be interesting at times. I have just experienced quite a battle with my depression. I can see your story from your side and also your husband's.

Is it possible for you to make an appointment to see a counsellor for yourself so you have support and someone to chat with about how you are feeling?

Have you or your husband used phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline 13 11 14, Mensline 1300 789 978. I find these help lines very beneficial.

Is it possible to set up a "Talk Time with your husband. Say at 5.00 p.m. each day, you set aside time to talk about all the hassles in 15 minutes or so and then get on with something else.

It also helps me to write things down to get them out of my head. Maybe you could buy a book for this purpose, or two books, one for you and one for your husband.

For me it is also important to try and plan some "Me Time" and do something I enjoy even if it is reading for 1/2 an hour or pottering in the garden.

Depression is draining. I certainly get that.

Hope some of these suggestions help.

Cheers from Dools

[Mybeautifulfamily]

Ohhh my heart goes out to you! I'm currently in the same position and don't have much in the way of advice. I do however sympathise with you in your situation greatly! Reading your post is mirror image of my life atm, except we have three little kids. I really do hope that your hubby clicks with his phsycologist. Hugs and know that your not alone in your feelings.