Feedback about my emotions with my PTSD partner

[Miss_Milly]

Hi everyone.

I've been scouring the internet looking for little pieces of wisdom in regards to my emotional state in regards to being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I would love to know how come of you cope with my below issues:

In short: We are both young (Both 25 years old), We have known each other for 8 years. Over the past two and a half years we have become close - best friends, partners in crime - and we decided that we cannot deny the feelings we have for each other, so a the risk of ruining our friendship, we decided its time to give it a shot..

He has PTSD from the Army. He is also super smart, in a way that i can't even begin to keep up with.
He tells me things that go on in his head, and in real life, that he has never told anyone else, and I feel honored.
He is seeing a psych once a week, but he doesnt feel like it is really helping him at all. He came off his meds in March 2014, which is great because he now only feels 'real' emotions, instead of fabricated drug induced emotions.

I've been reading heaps of books and online posts about what we can do as a partner to help him. And thats great! There is a lot out there.
Now I'm struggling to deal with my emotions.
Mainly in the following areas:

- His lack of interest in sex. It's a lot better now he is off the meds. Saying that, it only takes one tiny stressful thing for him to be completely uninterested, and rejection hurts.
-seeming to not be attracted to me (I know he is attracted to me, but I need to be appreciated - I guess this goes hand and hand with the above point
-Sleeping arrangements. 1) He has very bad nightmares, and when he wakes up he is always mellow and depressed, emotions which will last for the day, if not longer. 2)Because of these nightmares, he doesn't sleep normal hours. He will stay up all night, until 5 or 6 am then go to sleep in the daylight hours. It is impossible for me to be okay with this since I have a fill time 9-5 job, and lack of sleep greatly impacts my work/life balance. Sleeping in separate rooms? How do we keep the spark?
- He doesn't have a job - Hasn't had one for 2 years, and I'm okay with that. How about anyone else- how long has your partner stayed out of work? 
-We cannot do a lot of things together because of his injuries. He cannot walk more than 200m at a time due to leg injuries. This means no romantic strolls along the beach, no hikes or bushwalks. Even simple things like finding a carpark at the shopping center is hard.

Thanks!

[white knight]

Hi miss milly,  welcome to beyond blue forums

I'm going to be a little hard on you...just  a little. You have the right to reject my thoughts.

I've been in the RAAf and worked at many ARMY posts in civilian security. Worked among the Army personell and worked in prisons and in investigations. Some people have said its likely some of my illnesses could have been seen as PTSD. But its conjecture.

Sleep. Very essential for sufferers of mental illness. I snore badly and my wife and I had to ahve separate rooms for some time until I got a CPAP machine to counter my sleep apnea (that is when you stop breathing when asleep). So now we sleep together. Staying up till 5am?....let him go. If you express annoyance about this it will only sadden him that you want him in bed. If he is going to bed to please you then he'll stay awake for hours and possibly resent you.

Medications- will certainly have an effect on sex drive. Glad he is able to go off meds. It will take some tome 3-5 years before sex drive is totally restored. But it will improve.

I'm glad you are ok with him not working. It is possible he might never work again. This illness cant be taken likely. Remember also, the Army life is like a family and he has lost that family, his lifestyle, his mates. It is really hard to make a new stay in "civvy street". I was in the RAAF for only 3 years and boy, it was ahrd blending back into civilian life.

Your last paragraph was my only disappointment. You can sit on the beach and be romantic without "strolling". You personally could join a bushwalking group and he could be at the finish line cooking the sausages. Car parks- likely he qualifies for a disabled parking permit.Car park issue gone. Life is odd. Things can reverse on you before you know it.All of a sudden he could be nursing you.

6 years ago my wife (then my girlfriend) needed carpal tunnel on both hands. I washed her, cared for her for 8 weeks. 2 years alter I broke my leg...she cared for me. Maybe you are just a bit frustrated. But if you knew how many people out there dont have "normal" lifestyle due to poor health? better to have a husband that can walk 200 metres than not walk at all.

However he got his injuries, to me he is a hero. He sacrificed his health for his country.And now his homelife is not ideal.

My suggestion is for you to seek a country lifestyle if possible. And for you to reduce your work to part time to care better for him and allow yourself to get more sleep.

He needs your full commitment.

Tony wK

[Neil_1]

Hi there Miss Milly

Coming together from being best friends I believe is a great thing – especially for communication, as it shows in your post – where he is able to open up to you about his thoughts, that he normally wouldn’t tell anyone & as you rightly say, you feel honoured by this.  It shows how comfortable he is with being with you & able to trust & express himself.  A really wonderful thing in any relationship.

That is awesome to read how you’ve been trying to gather as much info yourself about how best you may be able to support him & again, as the more you can find out, the better things will be for you both.   Another suggestion I thought was, if he’s comfortable with this (& only if he’s comfortable with this) would be to see if you could go along to one of his psyche sessions – purely on the premise for you to try to obtain more coping strategies to help in your relationship – his psyche may be able to provide you with some tips/hints.

Meds can have an effect on libido & that can be a bit of a sticking point in a relationship – but I think this is something that the two of you need to work on;  chat about & discuss.  But the main thing for you to know here is that it’s not anything you’ve done that is causing his lack of interest – it’s the illness that he’s battling;  as I’m battling this even as we speak (well actually not right now, cause I’m at work – that could be very awkward if it was really the case!!)  Sorry, slight diversion with a smidge of silliness thrown in.

With regard to his injuries – are they temporary or permanent?   As in, will he ever be able to be active in the future?

Lastly, you mentioned about “finding a spark”.   Now that Christmas & that holiday side of things has just finished, do you have any options for leave?  A thought (& even if it’s just for a weekend or a long weekend), would it be possible for you to get away & go somewhere, my initial thought was say for a week?   My own thoughts on this is always to get away to the coast somewhere – but it all depends really on where you are currently located;  but hopefully you get my drift here – why not try to get away for a romantic get-away somewhere – romantic dinner, champagne, & … nah, I’d better not continue as I believe this is a family show & has a PG rating.

Hope I’ve said something above that may be useful for you & would really love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Miss_Milly]

Wow, I can't believe people responded so fast. I'm also glad they put a maximum word count on the forum otherwise I could type forever.

Its nice to know that I'm on the right track - Even though sometimes it feels like I'm completely useless.

I'm completely okay with him not working. I don't put any pressure on him about it at all. The last 2 jobs he had, he was let go because of his failure to show up on time/show up at all due to the PTSD effects. It wouldn't be fair on him or the employer to go through that again.

When I was talking about romantic strolls and walks along the beach. I want to do these things, but he wants to be able to do them even more!! He loves being out in the wilderness, away from Sydney life. But he physically can not do it, and unfortunately will never be able to again, because his injuries are permanent. But you are right, i should be grateful he can walk at all. Its just horrible knowing he cant even walk up the road to the bus stop.

Every day the rejection still stings. Maybe I'm, just oversensitive- Who am I kidding, of course I am. It only takes one thing to go wrong in his whole atmosphere, then he doesn't want to even be close/near to me anymore... I'm not an angry person at all, but this hurts and makes me want to lash out and hurt him like he is hurting me, but I could never do that to him, and it would only make things worse for both of us... and so we go round in circles again and again.

I would love to come along to come of his psych appointments, i think it would be fascination. But i don't know if he is comfortable with that. But, i will ask, when he is in the right moon.

If anyone has any reading suggestions, that would be awesome. Some days its so easy. When its good, its so great! But when its bad.. well, sometimes I really struggle..

[white knight]

Hi Miss Milly

Thats ok, it just didnt read good. All ok.

Glad you want to read so much. Education is have your battle. And time....allow yourself to get to know the new man, the moody one now in your life is not the guy you knew as teenagers. As time goes by you will get to know him more and more and things will get better. I'm moody even with mood stabilisers and my wife jokes with me when I snap at her.

Reading material- plenty of it here on these forums.

Use search or even google to read these-

Meditation -words of wisdom- it helped me for 25 years

Being positive- what's the secret?

Depression and sensitivity - a connection?

Embracing the embracer - calming the waters

Realism - you are what you are

Depression and physical restrictions

Forgiveness and forgetting

Your attitude is not a mental illness

Nip it in the bud- ideas

3 things -happy marriage hobbies and spirit

Does stubborness have a place

Talking to men- some tips

............and if and when your guy is in the mood to read up on threads himself to improve your relationship...note these ones

Motivation - search and rescue it

Caring for your 'well' partner

Been there done that syndrome

Getting depression into perspective- please read this it might help YOU

Depression - is there any positive

Good luck. Remember - we are here to listen. Tony  WK