Family member with panic disorder(s) verbally abusing his elderly mother

LunarBlue · ‎09-11-2016

Hi all

This is my first post here but I'm at a crossroads with a family member. My uncle was diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia when he was a teenager. He is now almost 40 and has been living with his mother (my grandmother) his entire life because of his diagnosis. He has been on strong medication for 24 years, one of which isn't commonly prescribed anymore because of it's addictive quality. He went to his doctor recently and told him that my grandmother was causing him to be depressed and blamed her for basically all the problems in his life. She has done nothing but support him, if anything she has been too supportive. He was told by a doctor 10 years ago that he needed to be more independent and the doctor gave him tasks he needed to complete; my grandmother never allowed him to complete that. So, my uncle fell back into the same pattern.

I was over their house yesterday and my grandmother interjected in my conversation with my uncle; she does this a lot. Instead of him saying 'can you not do that please' or something similar; he got aggressive, raised his voice and told her 'stop meddling in my ***** affairs'. I couldn't say anything because he would have escalated the situation, I'm scared of him. He has punched holes in walls before, had total breakdowns for no reason because he doesn't like being challenged. I was only at their house for two hours so I can only imagine what he is like when I'm not there. He thinks he can get away with saying this because I'm a woman but if his brothers heard him say it they would confront him. My grandmother acted as if nothing happened and she even defends him sometimes when my mother questions her about him.

I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if this is common for people with panic disorders, he seems to be getting worse. He also has polar opposite moods. I don't know if his illness has progressed into something else because his medication seems to make him worse now. He blames everybody for his problems, is aggressive, resistant to change, embellishes stories, tells lies, has a highly inflated ego with delusions of grandeur. This seems a lot more than a panic disorder. What could he be suffering from? How can I support my grandmother in this situation?

white knight · ‎10-11-2016

Hi Lunar Blue, welcome.

I need to take,a devils advocate with this because I do see lots of "holes" in your statements.

Against your approach is that your conversation with him when his mother interjected. There was a third person present, you. So if you weren't there, there is far less likelihood he'd be angry for her interrupting. People being interrupted while they are trying to have a serious conversation can be really annoying. Yet you only focus on his reaction not the cause.

His mother interfered in the process of him being more independent effectively putting a stop to doctors plans. His mother did the wrong thing there. From what I can see there is a poor case for him needing to live with her and living away would have benefitted him IMO.

"He has breakdowns because he doesn't like being challenged". Lunar Blue...he is sick! Unwell. Breakdown is a sure sign of inability to cope. We have a national male suicide number that exceeds the road toll.

The list of symptoms sounds like its been taken from google. He may well have moods but how do you know they're bipolar moods and not frustration of his life? We are sufferers to and we know that unless diagnosed it is not appropriate to second guess an illness. Think about if a relative suggested that your increased involvement in his life meant you could have BPD and you should see a doctor?. Its simply going too far to make such a suggestion. His known illnesses are serious and any thought that he should move out is between him and his mother. After all, it seems his mother wants him there. Furthermore to that, as you said, after his berating of her she carried on as if it was normal. This suggests there relationship does not need intervention. His mother needs to respect him and allow him to talk.

This man needs a kind, caring and sincere approach. He likely has few friends and no one to confide in. He needs hobbies, light sports like table tennis badminton or volleyball but with his acrophobia he needs help to get there.

This is where you come in. If you want to help, the very best you can do is seek out ways to be his best friend.

Im a man, I know what I'm saying. When I breakdown I need live and support. I crave it but being a male I won't ask for it.

Also google Topic: talking to men-some tips- beyondblue.

Its great that you are worried. That's a good quality. But I worry about him.

Tony WK

Just Sara · ‎10-11-2016

Hey LB;

Welcome to BB and our caring community. It takes courage to begin your own thread so kudos for this. It seems a very complex situation what you've described. Tony WK has some good points about your uncle and his mum.

I would also suggest you step back from things and try to view it from a perspective that leaves out personal or emotional connection from you. Watching others in pain and not knowing what to do can make one feel helpless and at times...desperate. Judging or interpreting what you think is going on, only serves to make you feel worse and may aggravate things further.

When it comes to these types of dynamics in relationships, there's usually a long history in how it evolved. By you coming into that dynamic and interfering with mother/son, the tables may turn on you, so take care of yourself first.

There are services you could call to discuss how helpless you feel, like Lifeline, where consultants will help you deal with 'your' feelings. That's important...

I hope you find some sense of detachment from your uncle's pain, because it's a better place to help him from than over sympathising.

Kind thoughts...Sara

LunarBlue · ‎10-11-2016

Wow. It's disheartening that I have the users stating they see 'holes' in my statements. Then stating I said my family member was bipolar when all I said was he had polar opposite moods. I did not say he was bipolar. Polar opposite is how I describe them, I could have said contrasting moods or whatever else. I was tested for bipolar myself so I'm not insensitive. While we're on that subject I think it's useful for people who use these forums to remember that I have not disclosed if I suffer from a mental illness also. So, it's not really productive to tell me I have 'holes' in my statements or question my wording and construction of my post. I can't change the way I write and communicate, nor the way I think.

As well as suggesting his symptoms I wrote have been taken from Google? Don't target my online voice and how I communicate which is something personal I can't change. I recognise my grandmother's behaviour (interjecting) happens often and am aware enough to realise she stopped him from doing what he needed to do; point that out above. I was looking for solutions in a safe place but I'll find it elsewhere.

Please don't comment on this post any further. I hope to have it deleted.

MarkJT · ‎10-11-2016

LunarBlue, I dont want to add anything to the story but for your info, when you have been through a mental illness or injury, we tend to speak to absolute truth. Personally I don't want nor need "cuddles". I need to be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it to recover. We keep it very black and white as mental health is such a complex matter that to give anything other than open and honest feedback and advice, would be not being true to ourselves.

Many of us have been so far down the rabbit hole, in complete darkness, that when we get the light back in our lives, we are so grateful for that that we, again, would not be being true to ourselves if we gave advice against what we are truly thinking.

I would encourage you to stick around and keep and open mind, respectfully challenge posts and talk it out. We can all learn so much from each other.

Mark.

Dreamwish · ‎10-11-2016

Hi Lunarblue

This is my first post too so we are both newbies! I think your post was heartfelt and caring for both your uncle and your grandmother and must be very overwhelming for you in having to deal with this situation that appears to have been going on for quite a long time. It is so commendable that you want to help. Are there any other family members that you can talk about this with at all? In my opinion from your post I think well done to your uncle for seeing his dr and taking medication but the angry outbursts of punching walls and mood swings is worrying perhaps he might benefit from seeing a different dr perhaps, trying something else with his medication or lifestyle? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship between him and your grandma and maybe they both would benefit from counselling or mental health advice from the gp or a psychologist to deal with the issues. I hope you have someone in your family that might be able to support you in having the conversation with them that they have a dysfunctional relationship but they can both get help its readily available. Please don't leave the forum after just one post! There are lots of amazing knowledgable people on here that I've been reading for some time now and I'd like to help too as much as I can.

kind regards

dreamwish

MarkJT · ‎11-11-2016

Dreamwish, I just so love when i come onto the forums and see a new user post their first post. So from me to you, welcome.

I can see from your post that you are a thinker which is great and if you want, only if you want, duck over the introductions thread and tell us about yourself. No pressure to do this but it is a good way for people to get to know you.

Cheers

Mark.

Just Sara · ‎11-11-2016

Hi and welcome also Dreamwish;

I reiterate all Mark has said and more. Your post is a breath of fresh air for one so new to our BB forum.

You sound positive and characteristic of those of us who endeavour to help others with passion and a sense of community purpose; I love that. There's plenty here to keep your mind busy and lend a hand once you've learned to navigate the threads. I look forward to spotting your nom-de-plume around the traps, whether it be supportive or asking for advice yourself.

Kind thoughts...Sara

Dreamwish · ‎11-11-2016

Thank you so much for the warm welcome Mark and Sara, it was actually so nerve-racking to do my first post and I tried very hard to come across as helpful and compassionate to Lunar as I hope to do with every one of my posts to other people on the forum. I have been reading the forums for about a month just to see what they're like before I started posting and everything I see is just beyond words, humanity is still well and truly alive and here it is, all the people on here are absolute angels and the strength and resilience of people is eye opening and inspirational. So I feel safe enough to post now. I don't want to hijack Lunar's thread (in the hope you return Lunar) so thank you again and I'm glad I found this forum!

Just a side note - Terminator is my all time favourite movie and to be welcomed by the one and only Sara Conna gives me a sign that I'm doing the right thing 🙂 And Mark you are special too as you were the first to reply to me so thank you both so much and see you guys around the forum!

Off to check it all out now.

dreamwish

white knight · ‎12-11-2016

Hi Dreamwish, welcome to the forums

Im hoping Lunar will return but it now looks less likely.

A forum invites all opinions providing if course such views don't breach the community rules.

None of us are here to be abusive however we are here to be factual and if that means pointing out that a different tack is required so be it. Posters can't expect us to "rubber stamp" their views.

When men punch holes in walls or abuse others be it males or females it us unacceptable. But it is appropriate to seek an underlying cause. If a man has confirmed mental illnesses he needs help not banishment. Google

Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips beyondblue

Lunar blues intention is good. She is striving to find answers. If she took the view however that by guiding and supporting get uncle she would be helping her grandmother, then real progress could be made.

And the world over its the same. Man has problems, mental stress, man gets no help, man has no other means to release frustration, man punches walls, man condemned., man ostracised, men suicide numbers increase.

These are the processes society is not following.

Anyway, I could only help her uncle by pointing out what us obvious to me. I too hope Lunar returns. If not, the thread us not in vsin as there will be many people reading that see the message.

Hope you enjoy the forum Dreamwish. And don't forget to google my fav YouTube Clip...

Maharaji sunset

Maharaji the perfect instrument

Tony WK