Do you stay or go when living with a spouse who has bipolar

bestir · ‎16-10-2016

As it turns out my husband has had undiagnosed bipolar for quite sometime and eventually hit rock bottom on Friday threatening to commit suicide unless I came and got him. I ended up calling the cat team but because he was in a park they wouldnt attend. I ended up organising a taxi to take him to his GP so that they could prescribe him with anti-depressants. He is not the man I married and it is so distressing seeing how he has become a shell of himself. I have two primary school kids and I just don't know what to do. The struggle I've gone through to get him to recognise how he behaves means he's sick and he really needs help. I've asked him to stay away until he's stable. We're meant to be going on our first overseas family holiday in 10 days. I haven't had the heart to tell my kids he won't be coming. I've had years of this up and down, crying, hitting himself, nights of no sleep/eating and then going to work for 15 hours at a time. I'm so exhausted by it all and it affects me deeply to the point I'm now having panic attacks. My mum wants me to leave him and thinks our marriage is over. I don't hate him, I just want him to be stable and calm so we can live with him. But what if this is how he is ongoing? Should I put my kids and I through this just to "prove" my love for him. I have no idea what to do. Am I a "bad" wife for leaving him and prioritising my children ahead of him? Is he safe to be around my kids alone if I do leave him? What do you do??

white knight · ‎16-10-2016

Hi bestir, welcome

I need to clear something up first here. Is he the father of your children? I've read your post a few times and you talk as if they are your children and not his. Is he the step father? Your sentence "is he safe to be around my kids alone if I do leave him" suggest you are referring to any contact visits and if that's the case he would be their father. I'm puzzled because if he is their father why are you saying "my kids" when it should be typed "our kids".?

I'll assume he is the father. 50% a parent to your children, loves them just as much, cares for them just as much, would grieve for them just as much if separated from them.

Your husband is unwell. The level of your desperation is clearly driven you to a point of hopelessness. No, he shouldn't threaten suicide, no one ever should, its unacceptable. It is however good evidence he is in bad shape. He needs you. He also needs proper medical care. Most times patients change dramatically once they are stabilized. This is your priority IMO and the more compassionate way to think. But without knowing him and what you've gone through its a difficult call. Remember, we are sufferers too, not professional medical people.

Two other things. Children are resilient. The holiday without dad will be fine. Children adapt. Also, your mothers view on your marriage. Not good. It isn't right to press her viewpoint onto you. Make up your own mind. 80% of people don't understand mental illness at all and its those people that offer such quick fix, get rid of the problem ideas. Its your marriage and he's your husband. Base your decision on your own effort levels and commitment.

One final thing. I have depression and bipolar. If my wife decided to leave me anytime in the last 6 years due to my moods and rash unsettled persona....we would have split 20 times. Now with the right medication and just as important the right dosage....I'm writing here giving advise and my happy wife is beside me.

Give him your best effort.

Tony WK

Kazzl · ‎17-10-2016

Hi bestir - first a disclosure, I also have bipolar disorder type 2.

I feel for you hun, we're not easy to live with if we are having severe episodes, and especially if we're unmedicated or untreated. You say your husband has had undiagnosed bipolar - has he now been diagnosed by a doctor or is he resisting?

He needs treatment, as you know. And, once he is on a proper treatment regime, it is very likely he will return to his old self, or at least much less severe in his manic or depressive episodes.

Treatment can take a while to kick in properly, a few months in my case, so you will need to be patient and persevere during that time. I'd also suggest reading up as much as you can about bipolar. There is some information on this site as well as the Black Dog Institute site.

Have you talked with him about the situation? Does he understand how close he is to losing you? When you talk, try very hard not to show anger or be threatening, try to be calm - everything becomes magnified for us when we're in an episode, so another person's anger can become a massive threat that makes us want to run (fight or flight response).

I understand that you need to make yourself and the children the priority. But walking away from him now is likely to make him worse - when there is a good chance that helping him get proper treatment, being patient while it takes effect, and helping him understand what's going on, could bring him back to you as the man you know and love.

If your kids are old enough to understand, explain to them that dad's unwell, but he can get better. Also explain to them that none of this is their fault (kids have a habit of thinking everything's about them). Again, read as much as you can about the condition so you understand it better yourself and can better help the kids understand.

I hate to say this but it's unfortunately a fact - people with bipolar, especially unmedicated, have a high incidence of suicide, and of addiction especially alcohol, and homelessness. Losing his family now is not going to help him at all and it depends on how you feel towards him I guess as to how you might deal with it should something worse happen. You do need to consider that.

If you want to ask us anything to help you understand better, please feel free. There is hope there for you all hun, and the starting point is his acknowledgement of his condition and acceptance of treatment.

Very best to you

Kaz

Kazzl · ‎17-10-2016

Bestir - I forgot to say that antidepressants alone are not the preferred treatment for bipolar. They can be used in conjunction with other medication, but often they are not used at all.

Mood stabilisers are the first line of drug treatment for bipolar and might need to be combined with other drugs if necessary. The main difference is that where antidepressants can help with the lows in a depressive person (unipolar depression) mood stabilisers help with both the extreme lows and extreme highs (mania) in someone with bipolar depression.

They basically knock the top and bottom off the moods and bring you back to a more stable middle ground.

Kaz

gld · ‎17-10-2016

Hi Bestir,

Bipolar has highs/lows and lots of inbetweens, some people sometimes may not be able to connect into their symptoms when they are unwell. It is difficult to get help for them when they are unwell but it can be done by understanding different ways to do this. A great way which has helped me is, to talk to mental health workers about this and then when your husband is well devise a plan to do so when he is unwell as this could help before the unwellness peaks.

These times put a stress on everyone yourself, family and the person who is unwell.

In my state the they suggest staying with the person and talk to them to make sure they are safe and ring 000 if you are unable to get them to hospital emergency department. When you ring 000 they need to know that they are threatening suicide. Keep them safe, to me this is the first point of call and then the hospital will help getting them stable. Give the health workers as much information about your husband behaviour and see if you could get your husband to talk to them about how he is going during this time of unwellness.

Most of all it is very important for you to look after your own well being by getting sleep, eating healthy and good mental wellbeing [healthy balance]. To help some someone who is unwell you need to be well yourself. His road to recovery is his own and you have to carve your own journey through these challenging times.

Look after yourself, holding some hope for you and hugs.

Gen

Cornstarch · ‎17-10-2016

Depending on our own life experiences, statements inside of people's online posts will trigger certain thoughts that may pass through other individual's filters unnoticed, so this may not be relevant to you. But in the even it is:

Like Gen, what jumped out of the page for me was wondering why you didn't get in the car straight away and to be with him. Maybe this wasn't geographically practical.

I only say this because lots of people rock up to mental health professionals during a mental health crisis, all the while hiding the fact that they are also in an interpersonal crisis as well. It's relatively easy to disclose our mental health to a GP, nurse, or hospital, but with interpersonal crisis our pride, confusion and embarrassment can get in the way.

An interpersonal crisis is caustic to anyone's mental health, hell, anyone's physical health, and an exacerbation of symptoms has to be expected. Sometimes helping/fixing/removing the interpersonal crisis can have incredible results on the person suffering form Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD and on and on and on.

I sincerely hope he has excellent health care and professionals that take their time.

As for you, yes, I would just concentrate on your own health as much as you can and link in with your own health team.