Depressed spouse - struggling wife

SupportiveWife · ‎14-06-2016

Hi All,

I am a wife of a depressed husband. He has been battling this for the last few years but only acknowledged it this year and finally went to the doctor who confirmed after a mental health assessment that he is depressed. I was so relieved when he agreed for me to make him an appointment finally after years of begging him to go. He's a very private person and quiet stubborn and set in his ways. He leads a very healthy lifestyle in every way from gym, healthy eating, no drugs/alcohol/caffeine. He did start counselling a few months ago. He doesn't talk to me about them at all (which is fine if he can't) but did say last week he thinks it may be helping.

The last few years I have been there and just try and understand and support what he's going through but lately I'm struggling to the point I feel like I am also slipping into a depressed state. I guess I have taken on most roles in our household and child rearing, I also work as does he full time. I feel like I have been married to a robot. He shows no emotion, he does not talk to me about anything on a deeper level such as his depression. I desperately have tried to connect with him more but he's just so distant and disconnected. Friends and family members have noticed this too which always makes me anxious about any social gatherings to the point we very rarely go out with friends any more just to immediate family gatherings (which he doesn't always like to attend). Before the counselling he would go to his "man cave" for hours on end to engage in his hobby, this was also hard as some days I would be waiting for him to emerge to spend family time together. I tried to be patient with this also as he told me it's his way of coping (where other people may consume drugs he does his hobby) Lately this has improved somewhat.

We have zero intimacy in our marriage and this has also been very hard as I am a very affectionate person. We have only made love once in the last year and a half. I even told him we don't need to make love but he can show intimacy in other ways such as a hug but this also does not happen.

I've always been so hopeful that we can overcome it and tackle it together but lately I am losing hope that I'll ever get my man back and I'm tired. Tired of pretending everything is ok, tired of being deprived of any love and affection, tired of doing everything without any appreciation. I also constantly feel guilty for feeling this way as I should be a loving and supportive wife.

white knight · ‎14-06-2016

Hi SW, welcome

A few questions if I may

How old are your children?

Have you both got any leave for holidays?

What is his hobby?

If you are comfortable answering those, if not that's OK.

I'm leaning towards suggesting an appointment with Relationships Australia. Bringing things to a head would be vital for me.

Regards

Tony WK

SupportiveWife · ‎15-06-2016

Hi Tony,

Thanks for reading and taking the time to reach out to me with your reply

We have a 2 year old daughter. I would love for us to take a holiday but unfortunately this is not possible for financial reasons. My husband relocated here from Canada a few years ago and him missing home is a big part of his depression.

His hobby is music production and he gets so immersed in it he looses track of time and spends hours and hours sometimes staying up til early hours of the morning doing it on weekends. I have expressed concern about his lack of sleep as I have read this is also not good for his depression.

Usually I hold a lot in and just get on with it and try to do it all with a positive attitude and smile on my face as I don't want to add any stress or pressure on him. This can go on for a while then I seem to explode or fall into a heap. I'm starting to see this is not good for either of us as it is impacting me in a negative way. Last week I told him I wanted to go stay with my parents for a while as I desperately needed a break from our marriage just to recharge and gain some clarity. He didn't want me to go so I didn't. The week got worse and I felt angry and irritable and explained that I'm not leaving to punish him but rather get myself together and have some breathing space from it all. He agreed reluctantly.

We have discussed the possibility of relationship counselling together before and are both open to it but I thought maybe this would be too much at this point and to focus on his own therapy for now. Maybe we should go together?

Anyways must sign off and thanks for reading again

Carmela · ‎18-06-2016

Hi SupportiveWife, your situation sounds very similar to my own. I would highly recommend the relationship counselling. I did so with my hubster while he was going to counseling and it was fine. Your husband needs to understand how you feel as the long term neglect carries a level of grief that can affect your mental health.

I would also try to find ways you can connect with him again as a couple and a family. Day trips, picnic, etc. that takes him away from his man cave and allow him to connect with the family again in a new environment may help. I would find locations that provided for a lot of fresh air, long walks, etc. Being in nature does wonders for clarity and peace. It doesn't require a ton of money, but a lovely picnic basket and hope in your heart.

Being a carer for a person with a mental health condition is an unenviable task. It takes a strong person to stand by your partner and understand what they are going through. That is love, unconditional love. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. They are there for a reason. Acknowledge them and replace them with self-love. Do things that make you happy - catch up with family, friends, take up a hobby if you don't have one presently and don't sweat the little things. Your life is difficult enough and if reading a good book will help give you peace, the housework, etc. can wait.

You are a supportive and loving wife and your husband is very fortunate to have you by his side. Take care of you and stay strong.

Carmela x

White_Rose · ‎18-06-2016

Hello Carmela. That was a wonderful reply to Supportive Wife. SW. I hope you can take on board Carmela's comments. Those that have been there know how bad it can get.

So much of Carmela's comment are similar to those I was going to suggest so I will not repeat them. Except for one (there is always one). Take care of yourself. This is important for you. You need to be well for your own sake and your children. So if your husband will go for walks etc with you that's great, but go by yourself if necessary or get a friend to walk with you. You continued good health is important for your husband until he can take care of himself.

Keep writing in if it helps.

Mary

SupportiveWife · ‎22-06-2016

Carmela thank you so much for your reply. Sorry it's taken me a long time to reply. It has helped me a lot to know I'm not in this alone and having someone such as yourself give advice, who is experiencing a similar situation, means a lot to me! It is great to hear the couples counselling helped you and your husband so I will suggest this to my husband. I did start counselling for myself this week and it went well. I do feel good that I have support from a professional and someone who can give me more insight into depression and how best to cope.

I have tried for the family days etc. but something always seems to come up (bad weather, illness or I have to work) and we stay in the house all weekend which usually means hubby will go off doing his hobby and I'll care for bubs/clean/cook etc. He has been better lately at coming out and joining us so that's a positive step in the right direction. He does love his daughter very much (she is the only person that seems to be able to make him smile and laugh).

Carmela did the counselling help to get your intimacy and connection back with your husband? Did they suggest any exercises or it was mostly talking? I would love to hear of your experiences with it.

Once again thanks for your very helpful reply xxx

SupportiveWife · ‎22-06-2016

Thank you Mary and yes I agree - very helpful advice from Carmela and I have definitely taken it on board!

I am lucky in that I have a very supportive family and friends I can call on when I need to. I don't have a hobby as such as work/household & baby do keep me very busy. I was enjoying going to the library and read when I can but don't seem to have much time for this lately. I also started gym with a friend so this has been good when I get the time to go.

Carmela · ‎24-06-2016

Hi SupportiveWife, the counselling looked at repairing many facets of our relationship and intimacy was one of them. The sessions were a mix of talking and activities - one of one with the counsellor and together as a couple. I recall two activities that were the 'aha' moment or lightbulb if you like. We were asked to list all the activities we used to love doing together, and another was a list of the reasons why we married. The lists were completed separately; then we were asked to share them. I remember crying, almost grieving at how we had BOTH neglected each other. I always thought it was one sided - my husband's fault. For the first time in many years, I saw my husband trying to understand and process what had been uncovered. We both acknowledged that saving our marriage was important, and it would take the two of us to do it, which meant revisiting those lists and see the beauty in our struggle. As strange as it may sound, there was beauty, as the pain we felt, provided us with the lessons and opportunities to grow. It was with the counsellor and her gentle approach, this was revealed.

The key to the counselling is baby steps. The counsellor was fully aware of my husband's background and the years of depression. In our discussions, we opened communication with compassion and love, not fear or blame. It is not a one session approach, but a commitment to rebuild a relationship with both parties and if it takes several sessions, then so be it.

If you are keen to understand more about the process, give Relationships Australia a call and ask to chat with one of their counsellors. xxx

SupportiveWife · ‎26-06-2016

Thank you Carmela this has given me some insight. The disconnection and lack of intimacy has definitely made me also put some walls up as time has gone on because of the hurt in being rejected time and time again. I hear what you are saying about re-visiting when you were first with your husband and I do feel like I'm grieving for those days. I read back over old e-mails from my husband and it had me in tears. I really miss him, he used to make me feel so special and loved. It's so hard to see someone you love in so much pain too.

I will find the right time and words to ask him about the marriage counselling.

Thanks again and all the best!

Carmela · ‎30-06-2016

You are welcome. We are all here for you at BB. So don't hesitate to reach out.

Carmela x