Depressed partner..

[Redding]

Hi there...

My partner has bi-polar and goes through periods where she is inaccessible.. I find it hard to break the wall she puts up - with things like binge-watching a tv show, and then going out drinking with her friends. She is functional with a full time job... but I feel like for some time now I have been getting no quality time with her, which I find very difficult. At the moment, she is depressed and does not want to talk about it, which is fair enough but it just leaves us at a dead end. It seems like she doesn't want to talk to me much either - I feel like she gets better quality time with her friends than with me. Most of the time we are together, we are doing separate things. She will tell me that she loves me often, but I'm not feeling that. I find it hard to deal with the fact that she doesn't seem to want to do anything with me - she likes to drink and I do not - so she just goes out with her friends, or when we're home together, she binge watches netflix... if I suggest going outside, she usually doesn't want to. The things she does with me or for me I feel are out of a sense of 'duty'. She will often say, if I say I feel like we haven't spent much time together "but we went out together last night!". She doesn't seem to see that it's that I'm not feeling connected to her - obviously massively to do with her depression. If I tell her I'm feeling disconnected, it feels like she begrudgingly agrees, just to say that 'we spent that time together'. She tries, but I don't feel any emotional connection. I'm afraid of what it is doing to our relationship. And I'm worried about her. At the moment it's even worse because she's angry at me for something I did, but I feel upset with her for even being so angry with me about something that means so much to me. Anyway... I'm feeling lost... thanks for reading. I am not trying to ignore that I am probably not responding ideally to her being depressed... it's just been a long time and it makes me feel a bit resentful and my acceptance and understanding feels like it's being grated back.

[blondguy]

Hi Redding

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the inner strength to do so..You are not alone here Red.

Being there with a partner who has bi-polar (or manic depression before they changed the lebel) is difficult. You have the courage and caring to reach out and talk about it, and good on you!

I have had severe depression since 1997 and take anti-depressants so I can manage on a day to day basis. Socially I used to be a lot better.

You are very understanding and have good insight where you partners' depression is concerned. Your partners' illness is similar to having a heavy blanket placed over your head and you trying to find the way....its a pain Red.

The alcohol wont help her as its a depressant in the first place that only provides a brief feeling of wellness and then exacerbates the depression. I feel that she does love you as she mentions to you. The depression can prevent her showing you the love she feels for you though..

If I may ask you Redding...when was your partner diagnosed? Also is she taking any meds ...I only ask so I can try help a little more even though I am a sufferer. Seeing a good GP regularly as well as counseling is crucial for bi-polar (depression). Does your partner see anyone on a regular basis?

It would be great if you post back. You are a loving and understanding partner.....you are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish:-)

My Kind thoughts to you and your partner

Paul

[Lucyr]

Hi Redding

I feel your pain! My husband has suffered from bi-polar and social anxiety for a number of years now and he has recently had a relapse, the worst one he has had for near a decade. It has lasted now for I would say close to a year. He has completed isolated himself from everyone and has recently been suffering from insomnia, so now he rarely even comes to bed. He will stay up on his computer all night and either not sleep at all for days at a time or pass out from sheer exhaustion at his computer desk. He runs a small business and I have found myself having to run it for him for the past month as his anxiety and depression are preventing him from answering his phone or checking his emails.

He is a bit of a Good Will Hunting type, whenever he sees a new psychologist he tries to outsmart them. The amount of psychologists he has seen over the years that have put him into the too hard basket is infuriating. Too smart for his own good! He has been on various meds over the years, most with very bad side effects, which makes him nervous to try new meds. It is so exhausting and frustrating and like you, I occasionally find myself resenting him. I know he loves me more than anything as we are best friends, but sometimes I find myself thinking of that old saying 'sometimes love isn't enough'. Then he will do something sweet and caring or he will come good for a day or two, and I will think things are getting back to normal only for him to go back into his hole again.

I feel like this time the cycle is never going to end. At a loss as to what to do now. I remind him often that he was at his best when he was exercising regularly, eating healthy, playing lots of music and spending time with our friends. His reply is that he knows all this but it's not as easy as that (and I know he is right, but knowing the man he can be it frustrates me sometimes, then I feel guilty because I get upset with him). He is so stubborn so I just have to wait for that (to put it bluntly) face slap moment and hope he doesn't hurt himself in the meantime.

[blondguy]

Hi Redding....I apologise for hijacking your thread....If its okay with you..just so I can acknowledge Lucyr's post:-)

Lucyr, welcome to the forums...Im Paul and have depression for years...you have a lot on your plate with your husband and you are doing everything you can. 'Sometimes love isnt enough' is sadly true. I just read something you wrote "whenever he sees a new psychologist he tries to outsmart them" This really put up red flags with me. I had a counselor that made me cry my heart out...it was awful as I thought I didnt need to either. I was wrong. It took fortnightly visits to my therapist for months for me 'to let go'

I have a few thread topics (just look for blond guy as the poster) that you are more than welcome to post or you can post your own new topic if you wish of course. I am just a long term sufferer, not a doctor. I just have a feeling that I may be able to help a little with what you have posted:-)

There are many kind people on the forums and your privacy is paramount here. We are here to listen...never to judge you.....It would be great if you could post back. You are very strong by posting Lucyr. Paulx

[Lucyr]

Thank you Paul for your kind words and acknowledgement. I have been browsing through the forums and it's refreshing in a way to know that you are not alone in dealing with these issues. I was actually talking with my husband last night after posting on the forum, about this site and how he might find help. His response was the usual. He did find one psychiatrist (not psychologist which I find interesting) actually who helped him quite a lot when we lived in Rockhampton for a short while. She was also a sufferer, so he felt she understood him. I think his issue is that they never have any new answers for him and I think he is seeking a miracle cure that just isn't out there. So when he doesn't find that he shuts down. He knows in his heart what he needs to do to help himself but it is getting to that stage where he is prepared to put in the effort that is the ultimate mission. As he gets older it seems to be getting harder for him to break the cycle. I guess for me, I have been finding that I have been going into self preservation mode more recently and detaching myself from him to a degree. I know it will work out in the end, it's just at this point in time the end seems untouchable. Thanks again, Lucy