Depressed partner left because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore

[Sweta]

We have been together for almost 5 years but he broke up with me 2 weeks ago. He started showing signs of depression since the end of December, 2018 when his dad moved in with him. His dad's an alcoholic and has been giving him and his family a hard time since he was a kid. He moved out to live with his dad but he told me just a day before he was moving out which left me frustrated, lonely and overwhelmed so we would have arguments occasionally, however he was patient with me. His depression started getting bad after a month of moving in with his dad, I initially didn't understand what was going on and would get mad at him whenever he picked a fight with me. I would suggest things to help him but he would take it the wrong way and try to argue instead which frustrated me more. But then he would apologise later for lashing out and I would apologise too. I asked him to move back in with me with his dad and that we would take care of things together and I even offered to help him with his debts. He would say he didn't want to burden me with his problems. He wouldn't sleep or eat and always told he hated everything and everyone and that he didn't care about anything anymore. I tried to be as supportive as I could. We would meet once every week as his dad needed more attention. He started texting me less and I felt ignored which I argued over with him but he mentioned that he didn't want to talk to anyone so I gave him some space and told him to take his time. Things were going okay until he found out his department was closing down and people started getting fired. Fortunately they kept him but he got worse and I told him to look on the bright side that he still has a job but he said he didn't see any worth. He stopped meeting me but came over to surprise me for my birthday and didn't meet until after a month. I tried to be patient with him but at times I would get frustrated too and share my frustrations with him which would trigger him so I tried not to bring it up. He started ignoring my messages 2 weeks before our break up but he would still text his friends. He would just reply with a single word but I stayed patient until I couldn't take it. I confronted him and he broke up with me saying he didn't feel anything and that he was jerk for hurting me. He mentioned getting mad at everyone and not just me and told me to focus my energy on my career and not him but just last week he blamed me for everything. I'm just very confused and keep blaming myself too.

[PamelaR]

Hi Sweta and warm welcome to Beyond Blue

It is good you've found your way to our forums as it seems you are having a difficult time after breaking up with your partner who has depression. From everything you said, it's not surprising you feel confused and you are blaming yourself. When people breakup, things get heated and things are said they are hurtful. We often take all that talk on board and blame ourselves. So it's not unusual and you're not alone.

Supporting someone is always hard work and it's important that you look after yourself and to rebuild your self esteem and self worth. Do you have anyone you can talk to? E.g. a close family member or trusted friend? I always find talking is good. It helps to get things out of your head.

Have you had a browse of the Beyond Blue website? There is a page - Looking after yourself while supporting someone. It can be found by doing a search in the search field at the top of the page.

You're not alone Sweta. Feel free to search our forums to see how others manage with a relationship breakup.

Keep reaching out if and when you want.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Billyc]

Hi Sweta,

that sounds like a very difficult place to Be in..a challenging road ahead for all concerned.

you have a lot of compassion, and he’s lucky to have you, from what it sounds like he Seems too consumed in his own thoughts and problems Andy has forgotten, or put aside the work it takes to uphold a relationship with you... I get like that, Andy my problems are similar to his.

From my own thoughts, my mum eventually died of alcoholism I could nothing but watch it happen, it left me in dispair for 20 years, I know this doesn’t sound like a positive response, but perhaps it’s not going to be for him or his Dad, in the short term at least.

I guess what I’m saying is you can take that journey with him and do your best, (just don’t take on the load as he is possibly doing now) there does need to be a sense of Separating yourself from the darkness of his problems, let him turn back at you and seing you prosper with what you want out of life, he will see sunshine and maybe want to be a part of it..

does that make sense?

best

[Devine09]

Hi Sweta, I know what it is like when you are very depressed and one thing I do is push people away because I think they would be better of without me. I think this might be what your ex is doing. The crazy thing is that I personally want someone to say back to me, “no I love you and I need you with me. I will support you and we will get through this together“. In my opinion I think you should try to get him out of that environment as it is toxic. Please keep an eye on him as he may also be getting suicidal thoughts he seems the pushing away.

please try to find some professional help for him and support for yourself, it is a very hard road you don’t need to do it on your own. All the best.

[Sweta]

Hi Pamela, thank you for your reply. I have been talking to my brother which has helped me a lot and see things in a different perspective. My ex said he wanted to be on his own, so I haven't tried to contact him because I don't want to put any pressure or trigger him. I have mentioned about his problems to one of his close friends in hopes he would look out for him and so that he doesn't feel alone. He sent me a text few days ago telling me not to be concerned about him and that he's doing fine on his own. I have been focusing on self care now as no amount of effort I put in is going to change his mind, I had been doing that for months and really feel I need a break too.

[Sweta]

Hi Billyc, thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, I hope you're doing well now. I used to resent his dad for being an alcoholic and not seeing how his behaviour has been impacting my ex and his family's life. I have been reading a lot about mental health, initially for him, but I have been reflecting on myself too. Ever since then I feel compassion towards his dad too, maybe he just needed someone to help him and understand him. I used to tell my ex his dad needs some professional help but he would just brush it off. I had been focusing my energy on trying to help him for the past few months but he just says he wants to be on his own so I've let him be. I feel like I need a break myself and have been focusing on my self care now. I feel like I lost myself trying to find him.

[Sweta]

Hi Devine, thank you so much for your reply. He kept telling me he's been dragging me down with him but I always said he wasn't and that we could work it out together. I constantly told him I loved him and that we could get throught it together. I always reminded that people who love him need him and that we're always here for him. He has turned really cold and says he doesn't need anyone in his life and is fine by himself. I haven't tried to contact him as I don't want him to push him and give him the space he asked for. I have mentioned everything to his close friend and he promised to look out for him. I have been reflecting on myself and focusing on my mental health too which has made every day a little easier to get by.