Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

[Katie]

Hi,

My husband has had depression for over 8yrs, during that time he has felt better stopped his tablets several times, spiralled back into the black hole of depression. At these moments he questions if he wants to be married, suggesting that he would prefer to be by himself somewhere. Once back on tablets he feels better and is 'happier' with life.

This time he is still taking his tablets but having notable mood swings, feeling flat and wanting to end our marriage and then feeling ok and trying to work things out. Communication with him is almost zero. He hates the word 'depression' and doesn't want to talk about it, preferring to try and ignore the problem.

We have been married for 20yrs with 3 kids  and usually get along well. with this latest episode of depression I am seen as the enemy and the cause of his depression.  He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness. I am worried that he is not thinking rationally and may regret his actions.

Guess I am not sure how I can help him, I just hope he can seek help and then make his decision with a clear head.

Just wondering if other people have experienced this sort of thing.

[Rollercoaster]

hi there, know a bit how you are feeling. Every time my husband has a downer I become the enemy!! Normally a loving relationship.Roller coaster ride is very fatiguing though. I myself am not sure I can ride much longer.

[micknheidi]

Howdy,

I love my family but the problem is my parents seem to be negetive all the time towards other people that they know & don't know. They pull me up for being so dark but they refuse to pull themselves out when pointed out to them. They treat me like I'm a baby & can't make life choices for myself or family. We've tried talking to them countless times but it doesn't seem to work as it seems to be falling onto deaf ears. When we decide to go to the city near where they live - it seems we can't tell anyone because everyone would want a visit from us & we'd get nothing done that we wanted because of the bush telegraph. It's simpler to go to the city & tell no one that we're in town doing what we need then get the hell out of there. My partners family are good because we can catch up without the saga of the bush telegraph knowing & wanting a visit. My partner's family just goes with the flow of what is going on at the time & it's alot more relaxing seeing them than my own family. My side of the family - everyone is edgy for some reason & there is no rest for the wicket & as for my partner's side their all relaxed & going with the flow of everything which is alot better for me as I've learnt to relax with them then it's game on with my family with go go go go all the time. Not good for our daughter either because after a visit from my parents our daughter is a loonatick & doesn't listen because of the games we've tried to stop. As for my partner's family there more into no games played until you do this little job & our daughter is happy to do so. My partner's family are all great too & hardly any thing bad to say about anyone unless it's just a comment on something.

Thankyou

[Katie]

Thanks for your comments, it is so hard. My husband has left me and the kids. I hope that he can get help and hopefully we sort things out xx

[Kip]

Hi Katie...tricky times! Just want to send support and well wishes your way. I too have recently separated from my husband of 16 years /2 kids and its tough!

The happiness they seek will be short term at least .As my days as a single mum go on my space is getting clearer and I am also moving on! Its not ideal but sadly what in life truly is...I am now focusing on building a better home environment for my kids and rebuilding my own confidence and passion for life! All the best to you Katie and your children. xx

[Debho]

OMG, the same thing is happening to me. We have been married for 33 years, have 4 grandchildren and 6 grandchildren. My husband has been diagnosed with Bi-polar and ADHD and has been on medication for well over 10 years.

He has recently tried to take his life twice, but has called for help. He has moved away, yet we aren't öfficially separated". I don't know what we are! He's always angry. Or crying. I am the enemy. It's my fault that he's in this situation and that we're no longer close. This is just an abbreviated rendition....there's so much more. We have been together since we were 17 and 18 and I don't want to break up. But I"m so over it all. I suffer from mild depression myself and am trying to keep things together, but I just don't think I can anymore. I'm tired of living on eggshells. When he calls I worry what his mood will be. When he comes home, the same. We still have a 14yo daughter at home and it's so hard on her.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I never would have thought 33 years ago that this is how we would be.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Katie,

"He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness".

But he won't be living by himself.  He'll be living with his usual negativity, depression, moods, endless doctor rounds and general crankyness.   I believe, having done a similar move about 6 years ago, that I merely relocated all my problems whilst at the same time negated my family support.   So, it was actually much worse on my own.  Much, much worse.   On return I was bouyed and loved.

What most mentally ill want is a release or freedom from the illness.  Suicide is only one way out (and a huge % take this or at least try to) and any "freedom" with living changes is often seen as "the solution".  But it's not that simple.  A relationship, however worn down or stressed, still  carries us through the day somehow.  Even oldies constant bickering is a psuedo form of life support.

Why not be extreme ?    Move to the Moon.   What an isolated, extreme point of the Universe devoid of human interaction and awareness.   Crazy idea.  But if the Moon isn't gonna work then what is ?  To isolate your choice of residence and also still be isolated with your illness..............sorry, but not much happiness there.

Adios, David.

[Katie]

Yep depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close them too.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Katie,

But maybe the person with the depression suffers more.    They get to feel guilty for inflicting such an illness on the family, are subjected to various drug treatments that may or may not work, isolate as a way of protecting the family, share drama with others that may have "heard it all before" and won't be as empathetic a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th or 20th time more, get criticised for "not getting help" when they know that "help" at some stages will be little more than a band aid, receive minalist attitudes like "Yep depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close [to] them too" and generally get misunderstood, made fun of, blamed, put out to the rest of the world as a "problem" and a huge effort and burden on the family.

Sorry, what was your arguement about family "suffering" in the same way ?  There's not much happiness there for the whole unit but surely it is the person with depression that goes through the wringer.  Every day.   I'm not sure saying "I become the enemy !!" [Rollercoaster] is exactly helping either.  I mean, if the partner has these feelings of tiring helplessness it stands to reason that the depressive sufferer would be feeling it a 100 x more.

If we were talking about cancer then the sufferer would show huge signs of woe, bear scar marks from radiation treatment, loss of hair from chemotherapy, weight loss, bowel disfunction, etc.   Would all these comments about "I become the enemy !!" or "not only  does the person suffer but those close to them" seem fair then ?   I don't think so.  The saddest part would be that even after a funeral this attitude of self aggrievement would persist.  Instead of applauding a sufferer's plight and courage in the face of huge adversity a similar attitude might just say "oh, it was just as difficult to live with I can tell you - we were all victims".  Really ?

But we all have different ways of coping.  Twisting reality is just one of them.

Adios, David.

PS   A person doesn't chose a mental illness but the family/friends can chose support.   It is depression that it the enemy.   (Even the Bible agrees).  Just saying.  I can anticipate a lot of "That's not what I meant" responses but, really, when someone needs help why do others feel left out.  It's a bit selfish.

[Katie]

Don't anticipate anything, this is how I feel and each person's journey is different.