Depressed Husband leaving young family, all my fault.

[findinganswers]

Hello,I've never experienced depression myself, so im finding it very hard to understand what my husband is going through and whether or not its actually depression or whether its truly how he feels.

He was diagnosed with depression approx 3 months ago, he did not go back to the Dr's for review despite the Dr requesting that he does. He has been drinking, not heavily but enjoys a few beers every now and again.

Christmas Eve he absolutely lost it, we usually go through this every 6 months which is the same old complaints from him, but no solutions. We otherwise have a great relationship that needs to be worked on like all marriages. (none of my issues gets address just his)

We have a 9 month of girl and i am 11 weeks pregnant, on Wednesday morning we got into an argument as i am tried, exhausted of his negativity, my own happiness is suffering and also my needs are not being addressed by him at all. He said he wants a divorce and he as made his mind up and that that, he did become physically violent which i have seen previously but not to this extreme. I called the police but did not lodge a statement and i felt that was the only thing i could do. 

Its all my fault, he doesn't want to resolve it we went to a counsellor some years ago (approx 4 times) and clearly that hasn't done anything. He's not happy, he doesn't get his own time, he doesn't want to talk to me he doesn't want any relationship with me. He just wants to say hello and goodbye when i drop of our daughter. He is not willing to work on the marriage he is done.

I told him im not going to make any decisions as this is too important to my family and my children despite him pushing me for an answer as to where i am living. He has packed up his belonging and rented a storage facility. He wants me to give notice to our investment property and sell all the assets. 

I find myself continually switching between he has a mental illness and is not medicated and he actually might not be interested in having a family together anymore. Everything was fine up until wednesday morning, and this was completely out of the blew but his negativity and anger has increased over the last 2 1/2 years. He can also be extremely pig headed, arrogant and stubborn.

I dont know what to do, i deserve better, but he doesn't think he has a problem and he is not willing to do anything about the marriage. Its over in his eyes. We have been together 10 years been married for 2 1/2.

Do i fight or do i go?

Brokenhearted Wife

[white knight]

Hi findinganswers, Welcome to Beyond Blue forums

"Do I stay or do I go?"  Tough one to ask.

In terms of your husband I'm fairly intolerant to some that refuse to seek ongoing treatment. Read my thread - Does stubborness have a place? (use search)

Your husband has made his decision and his decision should be respected. It is his right and it is his direction he wants. Let him go IMO. However, in the near future, especially if he is has cycles with his illness, he may want to return. If you feel you want him back then and only then can you impose conditions like - ongoing professional treatment for his mental illness, zero tolerance to physical violence etc.

But at this point I suggest you carve out your own journey with your child and the one coming, because the relationship isnt working and your safety for your children is number one priority. The next priority is your physical health and your own mental well being.

As far as any future for you and your husband....I'd be trying to maintain any good friendship so communication and stable visitations for your children is ensured. That is a good thing to aim for. A well as your financial stability and stable home for you and the kids.  Good luck

Tony  WK

[geoff]

dear Findinganswers, that's for coming to the site.

People jump to the conclusion and 'it's all my fault', well this could be true on many occasions, but then there is a more stronger feeling that it's not your fault, and I like Tony's reply back to you.

When someone shows signs of anger and violence and wants to leave a marriage or a relationship that's when it's time that they got some help, and if he refuses this, then firstly it's not your fault and secondly he is denying any chance of a reconciliation.

It is true that when someone suffers from depression they can make rash decisions, but whether or not he's medicated the situation is not going to get better, until he sits down and has a discussion with you, and by this I mean a rational one, which doesn't seem as though this is going to happen.

So do you fight or do you go, not an easy choice, but my wife left me and then divorced me, however our sons were over 18, but besides that she had taken the boys away from me on several occasions, and the only reason she came back was because I chased her, but in the end it wasn't enough.

We still talk and see each other, but your safety and the safety and care of your children are of prime concern, plus you want to enjoy some happiness in your life, which won't happen until he knows that he has a problem.

He won't accept being told that he has anything wrong and that's where denial is always of great concern.

So until he wants to get help, it wouldn't be wise to stay with him. L Geoff. x

[findinganswers]

Thank you gentlemen,

I went an saw a physiologist that we have seen together many years ago, because i wanted to ensure that i am mentally stable for the benefit of my kids.

 I will respect this decision, and try to be as civil as possible but like you said my kids are my priority.

I;ve also tried to understand a little more about the drug that he is on (whilst i dont know if he is still taking it) he was the one to identify that he initially had a problem. Which i highly commend him for but his anger and resentment towards me has changed his opinion and denial has definitely set in. Because he doesn't want help, he doesn't think he is the problem, he is not happy, he doesn't care he just wants to move on with his life. Ironically there is no consideration of what my feelings or wants are for our marriage with his thought patterns. 

He has tried to kick us out of the family home, by telling us to move out because he wont, but i have decided that if he wants to leave then he needs to go an find alternative accommodation not us.

I am also the main provider of the household (approx. 95%) and have been since the start of our relationship, whilst money is absolutely not important to me. He has said he wants a lawyer so i guess i will have no choice but to get myself one also. He also wants 1/2 if everything with no consideration of our kids portion.

Many thanks

[white knight]

Hi

Geoff had many good points there.  I read your reply and just a few things.

Firstly upon divorce/separation your children dont get a "portion" of assets. Portions can be determined by what assets you had each prior to getting together, otherwise if it is basically equal then its 50%.

It would be more responsible for him to allow you to stay in the home....with the children. But often partners are full of anger and not themselves for some time. Allow things to settle and like Geoff's ex you might eventually get a communication base.

Good luck and stick to being "reasonable. fair and calm".

Tony    WK

[geoff]

dear Findinganswers, thanks for getting back to us.

I don't know why you need to be reassured about your mentality, because you are caught up in an awful situation that your husband has created, although it's difficult to blame him for having this depression, but what he has now created is a break in the family where he wants no responsibility, and simply wants to walk away, but he has duty of care for the child you now have and when the new baby is born, so he has a legal obligation in regards to this.

Personally I doubt that he would be taking his medication, and I say this because he's in denial, so his thoughts would be 'why should I take any medication because there's nothing wrong'.

I am no lawyer, but as you are the main provider then I would think (don't like the word assume because it's too ambiguous) that you would be allowed to stay, but as I say I can't honestly say.

It would be wise that you consult with a lawyer on a 'no win no fee', and what ever they advice you.

Please reply back to us, as I'm interested in your post. L Geoff. x

[white knight]

Hi,

I was incorrect. I think with 2 kids you might be entitled to 70% of the assets. Seek a lawyer as Geoff said.

Tony  WK