Depressed and suicidal husband

[Lostwife2]

I am feeling really lost and confused and don’t know what to do. My husband has suffered from severe anxiety and depression for a very long time (10+ years). He has had breakdowns at various times over the last few years, triggered by changes like buying a house (we withdrew from the sale) and getting a dog. He has withdrawn more and more over the years. He is from the UK and has no family in Australia. My own family support is very limited. At the beginning of the year we bought a house and the day after the purchase he spiraled again. He wanted to withdraw from the sale but we were unable to because it was purchased under auction conditions so was unconditional. He phoned me at work multiple times and begged me to stop the sale and not to sell our current house. He told me that he would not move to the new house with me and our teenage children.  He withdrew himself from any aspect of buying or selling and left all decisions to me. We decided that we would relocate to the UK so he could be closer to his family. With my insistence he started to see a counsellor and tried medication but stopped after trialling two different types because both gave him unbearable insomnia and made him feel more suicidal. I took him to the hospital to try and get him admitted but was turned away because he wasn’t suicidal at the time we were there. After selling almost all of our furniture and storing what remained of our possessions we flew to the UK. After almost 2 months there staying with relatives, our children were still not enrolled in a school and my husband had not made any attempt to see a GP or counsellor. He thought no one could help him and he started to talk about suicide again. He had written notes and planned his funeral. I returned to Australia with the children to re-enrol them at school and give them some routine and stability again. I feel so lost and guilty for leaving my husband in the UK and for separating my husband from our children. I don’t know what more to do and it is taking all of my energy to stay strong for my children while my life falls apart. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think you have gone through so much I dont blame you for needing help. Very often carers need the help after some time as they struggle to help themselves as they are too engrossed in helping their partner.

As a bipolar man that has a wonderful wife as a carer and supporter, I've witnessed her fall down emotionally while trying to reach the heights she needed to so as to remain strong for me. My fragility can be overwhelming. Indeed recently I had a tough time and she helped, the result was that we both saw different doctors to get help.

You've mentioned his suicidal plans and letter and so forth, however, you are not wonder woman, you have cared likely more than many would have especially your efforts in regards to selling and moving and the hurdles you had to jump in his changes of mind which would have been real turmoil. There is a point whereby the other 3 members of the family should take priority and you have done that, hats off to you, I think after all your effort he must find ways to survive especially that he has tried only 2 medications and then gone without, that was his sole decision and I can say, after trying 12 myself before a result, his effort there wasnt enough. When these issues boil down to his decision making, then as a carer you can no longer be expected to also be a manager with ultimate control over his medical care including medication. There is a difference.

I think your husband has had his best opportunity in having a good future and yes, we can all feel sorry for his condition. But there is many mental health issues people have out there that also has a requirement of the patient helping themselves. For you-

THE LIFE BOUY

Adults with denial or a stubborn streak

Reduces you watching down to a peak

Naught you can do and nothing can you say

They have to carve their own way

Throw a lifebouy out from the pier

Supress your anger ignore your fears

Not only must he swim to get some help 

He must also grab the bouy himself

TonyWK