Delusions of Grandeur

Quiettall · ‎13-02-2017

Hi. I have an older brother who has been working on an educational project for more than 26 years. In that time, he constantly brags that it is the best project out, that it will be accredited nationally, and according to him, that will force all State agencies to use it to educate teens in their driving skills.

He has lost respect and all support from the other siblings (I come from a large family) who are sick and tired of his ranting and raving and demanding that they believe that one day he will make millions of dollars from this course being implemented. He went quiet for 10 years and only a week before Christmas, surfaced again with the same story. I have persisted in trying to support him and somehow bring him to see reality, and guide him in his quest to re-establish relationships with his siblings.

Unfortunately the feedback I have from the other siblings is that I should give up as he has not learnt or progressed with his quest, nor with his grip or lack of grip on reality. What I find sad is he is 65, has a wife who has just discovered she has serious health issues, and yet he persists with the same story and behaviour. Two of my other older brothers have tried gently to tell him, he should be pleased to have developed the project and got it accredited (if in fact he has) and now move on to support his wife, his elderly mother in law, and focus more on rebuilding positive relationships with his family while he has the chance.

I have taken to monitoring the phone and only accepting one call a week, as he rings every other day where he repeats the same story over and over. I am not sure what else I can do, as he wont here anything about seeing a counsellor, and denies he has a problem.

Any suggestions? I dont want to abandon him like the rest of my siblings, but it is getting increasingly hard to do anything else with this issue

Croix · ‎13-02-2017

Dear Quiettall~

I wanted to remark you seem to be a guiding force in your family. A hard task with no map or compass to guide.

I don't know if it is of any help but I always find your proposals and actions reasonable and caring.

Croix

Quiettall · ‎14-02-2017

Thanks Croix. I also find your posts very insightful and informative. It often gives me a different perspective on issues that arise from the postings. Have a great day

james1 · ‎14-02-2017

Hey Quietall,

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time which is not only something that really tires you out, but it's also a habit that your brother's had lots of time to reinforce constantly. It must be super frustrating because he seems to be wasting his life, but to be blunt, that's what he's chosen to do. You sound like you know it's out of your hand and you're just wanting to make sure you've exhausted all possibilities.

I don't mean to sound...I can't think of the word. But you may have thought of all these already.

Have you tried talking through his plan? I mean every step to really listen to what he's trying to do and why he thinks it'll work. It'll be tiring because it sounds like he can be a bit arrogant, but cut through the arrogance and really get him to talk about what will actually make it feasible. Where will that lead? I don't know. But it's quite possible he feels like no one listens to him and so he just has to repeat and repeat until someone listens. Or maybe he'll just get bored of answering your questions.

He clearly doesn't like being told what to do. He might even treat any suggestion or guidance as being told what to do, and hence he just doesn't listen anymore. What if, instead of suggesting things to do, you just flat out told him what was wrong? Rather than telling him to mend relationships, tell them the relationships are broken. He might try to run and hide, but that's really, at the end, his prerogative. If you give him facts, he may take them more seriously than suggestions. And perhaps it might kick him into doing something useful.

James

Quiettall · ‎14-02-2017

Hi James

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Some of my siblings, and myself have tried to reason with him on each and every part of his "plan". Even as late as last Sunday evening he burnt contact with my oldest brother, when he was ranting about how we was going to bring "Hell and brimstone" down on the Premier through the media, if she doesnt agree to a financial settlement for all the time and energy he has put into this work, without this or any other State recognising his work. My oldest brother tried to suggest to him that to threaten a Premier with media in order to get a financial settlement for an issue which that State would not see as feasible to adopt, is unreasonable and irrational. He tried to talk through possible scenarios with my brother, but the disturbed brother just got "aggro" and demanded "it will happen, and all my siblings will finally realise my success when they see me with the money in hand."

I will take your suggestions on board and try again to walk him through the issues and offer alternate views and options. At least you cant say we dont try. But as you say, it is his choice. When his calls come through now, even my wife says she is sick of the ranting and repetitive stories, and just says to him, "this is all ok, but why dont you wait until you achieve all this before you ring us back, and we'll be the first to celebrate with you". I'm feeling like I am getting similar way to my wife, but as his brother there is some sense that I should persist with the effort to try and get him to see sense before he goes under, both mentally and financially.

james1 · ‎14-02-2017

Ah geez, that's one heck of a problem you're trying to help out with there. Understandable since it's your brother, but I'd be pretty worn out, so kudos to you.

It really does sound like you're giving everything a go and I just hope this last bit of persistence will help.

James

Quiettall · ‎24-02-2017

While I was in Melbourne last weekend at a training programme for overseas aid, my wife got a call from my brother. He has now been totally closed off from all his other siblings because of his rantings and ravings. Most of them have emailed or texted me saying they wont entertain his calls anymore. So I am the only one left that deals with him. I feel the next call, I will need to give some tough love, It is bizarre that he has burnt bridges with 8 of his siblings all within a few weeks.

james1 · ‎24-02-2017

Hi Quiettall,

Ah that must be so frustrating. Some tough love sounds like it's in order, though you sound quite skeptical about how successful that will be. Perhaps a way to help view it, even if it doesn't help the situation, is to see it as him giving up on himself, even if he doesn't see it himself. It's hard to find empathy in these situations, but I do find that empathy is just more productive and easier than anger or frustration. It's his problem to deal with and only he can solve it. If he's unwilling to see the issue in his behaviour, there's only so much you can do. But you can maintain understanding and support in case he does decide to change.

James

Croix · ‎25-02-2017

Dear Quiettall~

I wish there was a simple answer -but if there is it escapes me. One thing I did want to ask, if that's ok:

From both this and other things you've mentioned it sounds that the welfare of your wife is very much in your mind when she is confronted by such behavior and htat you try to shield her. This is an additional stress for you on top of everything else - as it would be for me if I was in your place.

When she has to deal with unpleasant calls and sometimes visits in your absence does she have effective strategies and a support network that leaves her ok?

I hope you don't mind me raising the issue.

Croix

Quiettall · ‎26-11-2017

its interesting to read the postings on this topic from early this year. My brother phoned again last week and got my wife, because I was in the shower, getting ready for a meeting. The story and rantings have not changed in over 9 months. We were both shocked he still insists on believing and promoting this fantasy of his. He is totally cut off from the rest of his siblings, and it is of concern as to how many real friends he has left.

We have decided not to entertain or accept his calls anymore. My wife has arranged to have a girls catch up with his wife (my sister in law) to see how she is ( she has diabetes as well as a very unwell elderly mother in a nearby nursing home). My wife will try and ascertain gently and subtly whether things are ok with the sister-in-law, and whether my brother is under any treatment. This fantasy he has been pursuing has gone on for 23 years, and nearly sent them broke.

I think apart from this action, we will need to move on and leave him to live his life/their life however they choose, and no longer be captive to his behaviours