Coping with someone that has depression /anxiety

[Koko79]

Hi there..im a newby. I would like some feedback on how to deal with and support my partner who is currently going through a rough time has a bit of depression and anxiety. We have been going to counseling for around 12 months now,its helping but im finding it hard to stay afloat. Im angry and frustrated at him as he isnt trying to help himself. Im beginning to wonder if i csn carry on. I want to understand him more so i can support him,not be angry

[MsPurple]

Hi Koko and welcome

it can be really frustrating living with someone with depression however I am glad you are trying to be supporting and that they are seeking therapy. I just want to remind you as a partner you are not able to fix them. You are there to support them. It can sometimes feel like your job to fix everything however this is not possible. They need a professional to help them with this and they also need to want to get help. When you say 'we' have been going to therapy have you baught this up? It is ok to mention your struggle to deal with all this. You just need to acknowledge when bringing it up that 'it is not their fault'. You can voice your frustration however I suggest doing so in therapy so it can be talked about in a productive mannor (no one feels like they are being attacked). If you don't voice this then it will just build your frustration up.

I also thought I should attach a video from WHO. It has some really good insight into it especially for loved ones https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8&t=133s

[Koko79]

Hello and thanks for responding. We always talk about what we're feeling amd wgat he needs to do to help himself whilst in counseling however i feel once out of there that things just go back to the way they were. Meaning he can be what i describe as 'an empty shell' hes physically here but isnt..he tells me he knows the things he needs to do to try and help himself but loses motivation quickly. He still has a full time job and the depression doesn't stop him from getting out of the house or anything but its frustrating for me when he sits around like a sad sack (how i describe him) if hes had a hard day..or even when we go out for a family dinner he mopes and its frustrating..i try all different ways to try to get him to be happy but its just temporary. I feel frustrated that i cannot help him anymore. I understand he needs to help himself but im not sure how long i can go on..

thank you for link i will check it out

[MsPurple]

Hi Koko and thanks for popping back in.

Seems like he is relatively high functioning with his depression. It also seems like you may not always see the high functioning part and you see most of the low points. It can be hard seeing predominately that part. Have you ever gone to therapy to vent? I find it is helpful for myself, however I do have GAD. I do understand therapy is not for everyone (and not always required).

Hopefully others can come on here and also help with some advice. As I am not in a relationship (and haven't been in a long time) I am not as experienced with dealing with partner's depression.

[quirkywords]

Koko,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

I hope you looked at the link Ms Purple mentioned. It is based on two excellent books.

I liked the way it explains things simply using illustrations . I would be interested how you found it.

You mention about your partner going to work yet when he is home he sits and mopes around. Sometimes when one has depression one can manage things like work but when one comes home one is so exhausted and emotionally drained they can't do anything else.

In the video there is a list of rules of engagement, that maybe helpful.

There is talk about self preservation for the caregiver. You need to work out your own needs and limitations.

It is sad and frustrating seeing a loved one so depressed.

I think you are doing well as it is an incredibly challenging role looking after a loved one with depression.

Is there anyone you can talk to about your concerns. You can call the Beyondblue support line 1300224636 and took to a trained person.

Also there are carer groups that may help you find people who understand what you are going through.

If you look on threads here you will find people in a similar situation as you are.

I am interested in your response to the video.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

[white knight]

Hi

I can see your tolerance is being tested.

Google these threads below, they might help

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Good luck.

Tony WK