Coping with a partner with BPD / Depression

[BJ101]

Hi Guys,

new here but here goes,

My partner has been diagnosed with this and depression after the birth of our first child and am feeling at my breaking point. we have been to some counciling sessions but it feels like she is just going through the motions to keep me happy and dosent really want to change. more doing it to make me happy. As were a young family i am trying to keep us all together.

 i was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups in Adelaide for partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder? or any helpful reading or tips etc.

Regards BJ

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[Kayvee]

Thanks Jo. 

My husband actually will not even speak to me. He moved out two months ago and wants nothing to do with me. he tells people that I am "evil" and full of "venom" and nothing has ever happened - just him slowly but surely pulling away from me.

He has full support from his parents -although now does not speak to his father (whom he was always very close to) as his father is in touch with me to check me and his grandson are OK.

Before he left I tried to convince him to come to marriage counselling with me, thinking it would be a step in the therapy direction - but he refused and chose to leave instead.

I don't have much influence right now as he won't speak to me and doesn't want to talk about our relationship. When I have tried to he is dismissive and says it is over and he wants a divorce.

I am at a loss as to what I can do...... I have read a lot about BPD to try to understand it all but I feel so helpless that the man I love whose baby I have just refuses to have anything to do with me and is full of such anger and hate towards me.

His father and I think he needs to first acknowledge a problem and we don't know how to get him to take that critical step. 

He literally laughs at any suggestion of anything wrong with him. 

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I feel for you that your parents aren't supporting you. They obviously don't know how to deal with it any better - but that doesn't make it feel any better for you. I hope you have other support to help get you through it.

Big hugs to you. 🙂 

[mr_confused]

Hi Jo and Kayvee,living with a person for so long you think you know them,i knew my ex was abused by her father when she was little,but really thought nothing about it,i was in love with her and life was good as marriage goes,after our last child 2 yrs ago,she suffered PND really badly,but they did'nt pick up on the BPD side of things,and to think of it neither did i,cause i was in love with her and still am cause of 19 yrs being together,you accept there are good days and bad.this year there were more bad days than i care to remember,everything is true,u get blamed for everything,rundown,point where depression sets in.i"m glad i'm not the only one who has had a partner with BPD,it drives u insane,u can be as loving kind and generous as possible but its neva enough.she will talk to me if she needs something than bam! rite back to i hate you,stay away from me,ur toxic(WAT THE!!!).for those people who havent lived with someone who has BPD look it up,for those who have when u research the topic,it just blows u away.it did me.But after all those years your partner decides its ova,no spark left,leave me alone ur toxic to me and the family it really does ur head in.funny thing is u can't change them its them who must change.i started to make changes just for her,to keep our marriage alive,but it all feel on deaf ears.when she finally leaves will she be happy or will she come back,do i still love her-yes,do i want her doing wat she is doing -no.i have no say in the matter.if kids were not involved it would be an easier decision to make

[Jo3]

Hey Mr Confused

You know, BPD is such a hard mental illness to get over.  But with the help of therapy with a professional you can get help.  I am currently doing cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) weekly and it really helps BPD sufferers.  

I was only diagnosed 3 yrs ago but deep down I think I have had it for a very long time.  I've been married for 28 yrs and I didn't realise how i was treating my husband and kids.

But a lot of it is being conditioned by a mum who I am sure has narcissistic personality disorder.

There is hope, although at the beginning i never thought so.  But I am starting to believe my psych.  I know it will still be a long road to recovery with my therapy but i have to try.  I have three children 22, 21,18 and i don't want them to see me all the time being depressed, anxious and behaviour of a BPD sufferer.

Reading your others posts definitely says to me that she has BPD.,  She really needs support and help for a psych.  

I am thinking of you at this very difficult time for you.

Jo

[mr_confused]

Hi Jo,she has been to different hospitals in brisbane last year,i thought she was improving.she had CBT it did work,but she just didnt follow up,would have taken are of our 2yr old if she followed up.

it doesn't help when there is bad influences at play.

dreading come tuesday when she returns,just have to stay calm and not say much and hope the house is clean enough(she will find something to nail me on)

thanks for the kind comment,this is my first time on anysite and i'm glad i found it.

[BecomingAThriver]

Thanks Ms Star,

Couldn't have put it better myself!

So well said!

thanks

[Ladybell]

I am in a long distance relationship with someone who I believe may have avoidant disorder.  We have been together for 5 years.  I am 45 he is 50.   We had next to perfect relationship in the beginning up until about 6 mths ago.  He has always lived alone, however my 22 yr old daughter moved in with him a year ago to finish schooling.  It was at this point we realized he cannot handle someone in his space.   He has spent the year in his bedroom when he comes home from work. He is nice and friendly with her but wants his alone time.    Which has now caused him to become depressed and different.   He has asked me for time and space.    Not sure what he wants, seems lost.  Cannot make any decisions, cannot even answer if I should come for a visit or not, cannot tell me he loves me like he used to all the time.   He on his own has gone out and signed up for therapy.    What should I do?  Do I coddle me ?   Put myself in his face all the time and be there ?  Or should I step back and not come around him ?    He is trying to distance himself from me, but says he still loves me, is in love with me and is attracted to me, but says he himself is a bad person and is born to be single and alone.    A complete opposite as to how he portrayed himself for the first 4 1/2 yrs of our 5 yr relationship.   I NEED HELP in how to help him, make him feel better and to salvage our relationship.   I love him dearly and want so much to have him back .