Coping with a partner with BPD / Depression

[BJ101]

Hi Guys,

new here but here goes,

My partner has been diagnosed with this and depression after the birth of our first child and am feeling at my breaking point. we have been to some counciling sessions but it feels like she is just going through the motions to keep me happy and dosent really want to change. more doing it to make me happy. As were a young family i am trying to keep us all together.

 i was wondering if anyone knew of any support groups in Adelaide for partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder? or any helpful reading or tips etc.

Regards BJ

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[geoff]

hi BJ, PND is not pleasant for her as well as yourself. My ex had it for our second child and I'm not sure whether she doesn't want to change, it's just that she can't at the moment, because this is what depression does to anybody, it controls our life, have you asked BB to send you out all the information on depression and PND, it's free and very helpful. It seems that the more people know about this illness the better chance they will have on overcoming depression. The reason I say this is because it may highlight any triggers to avoid, situations that you know will increase your chances of not getting any better. Geoff.

[Sapphire_eyes]

Hi BJ

I have BPD, I was finally diagnosed with it last year after spending my whole life plagued by depression, anxiety and worthlessness. The best advice I can give you is never walk away. No matter how hard it is to stay, no matter how lonely you may feel I can guarantee your partner will be feeling worse. It's so hard for us because we know the way we are and how we are acting is so ridiculous but we are unable to grasp hold of our emotions and things can lead us into a spiral that we can't get out of. My loving husband of 3 years has always been by my side even when it felt for him that I would not come out of it, him being by my side and not giving up on me gave me the best support because I have come out of it, sure I have my bad days still but after already 20 years of illness and 8 years of medication and lots of psychologists and doctors I am finally able to understand my illness and myself and I am getting off my meds. Believe me when I say it wasn't always easy, there were times I thought my husband would leave and so did he, but he didn't and that meant everything to me. I have also experienced a relationship where my partner did not care or even begin to show support or empathy towards me and it made me feel worse, it made me spiral out of control more and more, the countless times I heard "get over it" or "take a chill pill" made me hate myself even more and made me so angry that I though I would do something so terrible. 

Everyone is different but giving your partner time to understand what is happening will help a lot. Don't expect answers because we don't even know answers just be there for support and ride this crazy emotional wave out just as we do. Remember that whatever is happening, it's not a reflection on you or your relationship it is simply an illness that needs time to heal, just like a broken leg. 

I hope this helps at all, if your partner joins this site I would be happy to chat about this illness, we can't be afraid of it, we have to embrace it and then we can move forward 🙂

[neptune_star]

Hi BJ101, I know you posted a while ago but I thought I'd post from the perspective of someone who has been in a long term relationship (22 years) with someone with BPD (and Narcissistic PD, major depression and an anxiety disorder). I really feel for you and your family. Living with someone with a BPD can be soul destroying, no matter how much you love them and want to keep it all together. No doubt you have been living unknowingly with the BPD since you first met but the PND has probably added to the emotional strain pushing you to breaking point. You wrote:

we have been to some counciling sessions but it feels like she is just going through the motions to keep me happy and dosent really want to change. more doing it to make me happy. As were a young family i am trying to keep us all together. 

It is possible that she is going through the motions to keep you happy. It is also possible that she is incredibly scared of therapy and change. Therapy is a hard process for anyone and requires you to look deeply at your true self. For someone with BPD that is intensely scary. They will often do anything to run away from it. My ex-husband sacrificed his family life and his relationship with his children because he was too scared to do the psychological work required to build a stable loving relationship and family. At the core of BPD is emptiness and shame and that is very hard to face.The BPD behaviors, as maladaptive as they may seem to most people, are actually a form of psychological protection and very hard to give up.

That does not mean there is no hope. I would suggest that rather than couples therapy that your wife see someone highly experienced with BPD. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is the usual therapy of choice for BPD. It will take work and commitment and time on your wife's part  but if she can acknowledge that she has a problem and that it is destroying her family then there is hope. It is also essential to treat any other comorbid disorders (PND for example), but treatment for those will be more effective if the BPD is addressed as the BPD will impede her building a working therapeutic relationship with her therapist. Ultimately this will hopefully help her to build a truly mutual, trusting relationship with you, with the help of couple's counselling if necessary. We sought couple's conselling 8 years ago and the therapist basically told us after a few sessions that he couldn't help us a a couple until my then husband had addressed his issues first. He didn't like that (no person with BPD like's being put at fault) and never went back.

 It is also imperative that you look after your own mental health and wellbeing. Read everything you can about BPD, There are some good resources on the web (and some bad ones). Try to really understand how the mind of someone with BPD works. It makes no sense to you or I but it has its own logic and this will help you to feel less emotionally battered by her behaviour. Also google/read about the connection between BPD and shame. 

Make sure that you have someone you can confide in about her BPD and the effects it has on you emotionally be it a mate, family member or counsellor/therapist. And setting boundaries is vitally important. Know what you will and won't accept because you and your children matter too. As the partner of someone with BPD you may often feel like you are walking on eggshells and that takes a huge toll on both you and your children. And your children will notice as they grow up. My 10 year old commented that the worst thing about his dad is that he is unpredictable. And also that he acts like a child emotionally. I ended up with PTSD and major depression as a result of the relationship and it has affected my oldest son although we are both doing really well now (with the help of an amazing therapist). I would have found it useful to see a therapist for myself during the marriage to better understand what was going on (he has only recently been diagnosed), to learn to set boundaries, to develop strategies to cope and to know that I am not crazy. And possibly to know when I needed to call it quits.

I know it is not easy, but with help (from trusted friends and family as well as highly knowledgeable professionals) there is hope. It also helps to remember why you fell in love in the first place, which can admittedly be hard when you feel blamed, criticized or yelled at. She is not BPD, she is a beautiful person struggling with a BPD. Try to spend time together, but don't ignore that there are problems and that it is her responsibility to address them, with your support. Perhaps talking with her about your hopes for the future together as a family will help her realise that she needs to do more than just show up at counselling. She really needs to summon up all her courage, make her personal wellbeing and her family's wellbeing front and centre of her mind and really engage with the therapeutic process. That is the true definition of courage, to be able to face something so intensely scary, that opens you up to feeling incredibly vulnerable. If she can do that it will be an incredible gift for you and your family.  The PND complicates things because depression saps you of your ability to do anything. Make sure you both have support. If you or others can take any of the child care burden from her while she is recovering from PND that will help her too. And i can't stress strongly enough, know your limits and boundaries, get appropriate help from a psychologist or psychiatrist with experience in BPD, preferably using dialectical behaviour therapy (for her but perhaps a separate therapist for you too, medicare mental health plan can help fund it), and take time out for yourself to do whatever fuels your passions. It is scary for her and heartbreaking for you but I hope with time, patience, love and the right support you can build the life together that you have always dreamed of.

[Hayley]

Dear BJ,

I really feel for you. I have depression, anxiety and BPD. You really are doing a great job being there for your partner as a loving unconditional support. Although I am not in your state I am aware of a therapy called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy which is skills based.It aims to provide information, support and training in a variety of skills to manage intense distress, manage emotional mood swings and learn how to relate to people in a more positive way. In my case this group is run by a Clinical Psychologist and referral made by a psychiatrist. From my own personal experience this has really been beneficial with concrete skills I can use. Good Luck and all the best. 

[Rossie]

Thank you Ms Star for you insights and wise words. As a loving husband trying to come to grips with my BP wife, I found your words inspiring.

In particular in trying to support my wife in facing her demons..."this is the true definition of courage, to be able to face something so intensely scary, that opens you up to be incredibly vunerably."

[nev52]

I feel for you. 22 years is along time. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a girl I loved. She had bi polar which she never told me about for almost 7 months. I tried so hard to understand but every time I tried she would tell me there was nothing wrong with her. She took medicine (tablets) so she was fine. We got on so well and had really good times together. The bad times were hard to deal with but I really loved her and really believed she loved me. The bad times where her not wanting me to be with my friends when I could be with her. Even work mates. She never even met my ex girlfriend but she become jealous that my ex and me had been a fairly good couple but had decided to part. She had a bad relationship with her ex husband.It became really bad when she even started becoming jealous of any girl I talked to. Even a checkout chick in a shop. never knew the girl but accusations soon started about how I knew her and what was I talking to that girl for. We sorted worked through that but you could also sense it was there with the coments she made every now and then. I really loved her so I tried harder. We were even getting married. Had brought a ring and signed papers to marry. I worked a lot of fly in fly out shifts 3 on/1 off. It was ok with her at first because the money was good and helped. But over time she hated being alone. I told her I would work local once we were married. As much as I thought she loved me and wanted to get married I got the feel the closer to the date we got the more frighten she became. One jo took me back near my hometown in another state. Good money (for the wedding) and I could check on a house I owned and rented in a town not too far away from where I was working. It was ok at first with her the first time I went but the more times I went away she began to worry about other ex girlfriends. I tried. I really tried so hard to get her to see it was only work. I don/t think she believed me so  I decided to make this my last job away so we could get married. Over time my back had become really sore and most doctors had put it down to work. during my last job I work so hard and fast to finish I eventually had trouble walking. I thought it was my back again but turns out x-rays revelled it to be 2 worn-out hips. So bad the local doctor couldn't believe it and put me on the short list for hip replacement. I tried to explain to her what had happened and that I had to have 2 hip for operations. She wouldn't believe me no matter how hard I tried to explain and accused me of only being away from her because I must be cheating on her with an ex. She even made up stories I couldn't/t  understand. She even made up people she claimed to know. This lead to endless sad emails and phone calls .She  just became so sad and angry at the same time and  frustrated. Then she just stopped talking to me. Deleted her emails and moved out of her house so I wouldn't/t find her. I didn't/t no what to do and became so depressed. I tried to deal with for 3 years now and by chance found out the town she had moved to. It was another smaller town close by to where she had lived before. I still care about her and wonder  if she is better and happier where she is. Maybe she has found some one who does understand her and she is happy with them. I don/t want to spoil that for if its true but I also wonder if she is just as sad as she was before. I understand bi polar a lot more now and want to ask you a question based on what I have written. Do you think it would help her if I contacted her again after 3 years. She really hated me when we broke up and never wanted to see me ever again. But I never did anything wrong and I certainly did not cheat on her. I don/t want to hurt her anymore by contacting her and Im afraid if I do it might wreck any relationship she is in. but I don/t want her to be sad and alone because she believes I hurt her. We were so great together during the good times and I still cars about her. Would it be a good idea to contact her after all this time or should I just leave it be and hope she is ok and happy? 

[jaycee]

Hi BJ. If you are still looking for a support group in Adelaide for carers of someone with BPD, there is one called Sanctuary. Contact MIFSA on 08 8378 4100 for further information.

Hope that helps.

[Kayvee]

Hi there - do you know if there are similar support groups in Sydney or Wollongong? I have just separated from my husband who may have BPD plus depression/bipolar. It is so hard as he is not diagnosed and sees nothing wrong with his behaviour, so refuses counselling or addressing any issues. He also turned from loving husband to hating me almost overnight and for no reason, so I am left with our one year old son alone. 

He has been living with his parents the last two months and there are some issues there now with him not talking to his father.

We all love him and are struggling to know what to do to try to steer him towards help. 

[Jo3]

Hi Kayvee

I can understand what you must be going through.  I have BPD and have had it for almost 4 yrs. when diagnosed by a psychologist.  I hate, it feels like it controls me and it's not who I am.  I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I am having DBT(dialectical behaviour therapy) therapy especially for BPD sufferers, just started but it's good so far.

My husband sort of understands me but at times I push him and my kids away because I want to be left alone.  I never knew how I behaved until my psych pointed it out.

I feel your husband needs help in seeing a psych, or counsellor that specialises in treating people with BPD. 

As much as it must be very difficult for you as you have a one yr old please if you can support your husband, just be there for him, let him know that you're there to help and you want him to get better.  

As much as it was difficult for me to accept I now know that yes i have depression and BPD but with therapy I will get through this, however long it takes.

It's good to know that he has his parent's support.  Unfortunately, I don't as when I told my parents 3 yrs ago that I remembered that i was sexually abused as a child they abandoned me and I haven't seen or heard from them. But that's okay, I'm starting to slowly accept it because I have a husband and 3 children to be with.

I really hope you can get some help for your husband, even if you go with him to see your doctor.

Good luck, let us know how he goes.  I wish him and you well.

Jo

ps. sorry can't give any recommendation for Sydney as I'm in Melbourne