Chronic depression ... But says he doesn't have a problem I have

[Snowflake71]

My husband was medically retired from his workplace back in May 12 after a long period of injury to his neck . He has had many operations and still no improvement . He has a poor outlook on life and improving himself to live a semi normal life . He is on so much pain killers nd very strong ones that he now just seems to Rely on them . He has been to pain management specialist , physiology , physcarist you name it. I have also been on a couple of occasions when ask by his doctors. I get ask my option how are things in the house but when I speak the truth they seem to fall on deaf ears. I try to recharge out by even writing letters to the physcarist but my husband tells me that  he thinks they're the biggest lot of bullshit ... It's the truth what I feel and write. His pattern for the last almost 6 years is late sleep ins late breakfast/lunch .. Computer ... Watching DVDs then at around 1.30- 2 pm he has his shower and on go his pyjamas for the night ... He then hides out in the workshop in the garage . I have encouraged him to eat healthy.. Try go for small walks... We even had a pool built but he never uses it .. I want him to loose some weight as he has put on at least 30kg .. And had a heart attck in 2012 and another  scare a year later... He doesn't seem to have many positive friends they all seem to have a lot of hang ups from there previous workplace ... I'm left alone and feel lost , I tend to do a lot of things on my own.. We have been together for nearly 10 years but only 2 1/2 of which he had no injury... His attitude lately is that no one is going to tell me what to do ... Only yesterday he told me to f*** off. I'm gutted as I've always been there for him.  I just want him to work with what he's got and do the best ... Only recently I noted he keeps cancelling his physcarist appointments. I have reached out to friends and  family for advice on how to.. But sometimes I think it's best if I leave as im  not sure that things will change ... A friendly ear would be nice to hear from ... The thing that hurts the most is that we never do anything together .. He always has an excuse and he hasn't gone to bed the same time as me for a few years , doesn't seem like much but it hurts been alone 

[white knight]

Hi SF, welcome

You could read the following article I wrote some time ago google this- "Topic: Talking to men- some tips - beyondblue"

That might help a little. But he has been through an awful lot hasn't he. So what can you do?

Well I'm a great believer that the best way to lead a partner to some activities is to go on them yourself and sooner or later he should follow rather than continue his slump. Same with some people with relationship issues with their partner. If they don't accompany you to a counsellor then go to one alone. When he/she asks what happened at the counselling session you reply "if you want to know you'd come along". And if he/she asks why you are attending a counsellor  "its to learn to cope with you".

Then there is the reality of your situation. You mentioned it might be "best if I leave him". You seem to have given it your best shot and his attitude leaves little reason to enjoy life with him. It's your call in the end but in your situation you are searching for answers that are not there. The answer is in his love for you, how much he loves you and cares for you. You know the answer.

I hope you are ok. if not and need support beyondblue are here.

Tony WK

[Snowflake71]

Thanks heaps Tony.. It's nice to here from someone else . I will take your advice and go to a counsellor ... He has a lot of letter referrals to different people but he doesn't follow through ... This year I'm looking after myself . Getting my own referral and going ... Thanks 

[geoff]

dear Snowflake, your pain living in a situation like this is not good, for the both of you, but if he doesn't want any help, then you won't be able to get him to see his psychiatrist, but he has to make the decision to get better and not rely on pain-killing medication which is easily becomes addictive, and eventually he will rely on stronger pain relief, just as an alcoholic needs another drink one more than yesterday, just to get the effect.

There is always a decision that needs to be made in a marriage or relationship when one person refuses to get help for whatever injury, including depression they have, and the point is whether you should decide to break up or wait until the depression has subsided.

It's not an easy choice, but if you leave that doesn't stop any love for him that you have.

I still love my ex after 12 years of being divorced, but we could never live together again, and personally I wouldn't want that, nor would she, after being married for 25 years.

You need a life that suits you, and by saying that I don't want to take away what pain your husband is suffering from, but some people can't handle all the 'won'ts and wants' someone always needs, leaving you to live a stressed out life, where you too aren't getting any joy in life.

Life to us is short and although we love and want to look after someone, it's only a benefit if they co-operate and try and help themselves. Geoff. x

[CopingSince2012]

Hi Snowflake,

I agree with Tony, you need to look after yourself at the moment; you've been through a lot and now 2016 is the year of the Snowflake.

If you get out and about doing the things you want to that you find enjoyment in, hopefully after time he'll want to join you and your fun. If not, then at least you aren't sitting at home doing nothing but listening to the voices in your head. I'd only suggest not doing things he can't physically do because if his injury.

As for the bedroom, I think an honest conversation with him at an appropriate time would be good. You're both adults; with needs... Just keep in mind that depression reduces the libido. It's not that you aren't an attractive wonderful woman, but that he might not be up for anything, with anybody, at the moment. So, once again, look after yourself 😉

Take care of you

[pipsy]

Hi Snowflake.  I feel so helpless reading your post, but one thing springs to mind.  There's been suggestions made that maybe if you went to counselling, curiosity might get your hubby to go with you.  He might, but the old saying is: you can lead a horse to water.....  The problem is with his negative feelings at the moment, any suggestion made to him might fall on deaf ears.  I think CopingSince 2012 might have hit the nail on the head.  If you can start participating in things hubby can share, things that don't require a lot of physical activity, you just might get his interest.  Going to counselling might happen if he sees you swimming and really enjoying yourself.  Counselling, you may or may not benefit, he may ask you how did it go, what did you discuss etc.   If you say: if you accompany me, you'll find out.  He's just as likely to 'switch off'.  A lot of people have the idea that counsellors tell them what to do, how to live etc.  You and I know that's not the case, but my ex was the same.  His argument was: I'm not having some counsellor tell me how to live, how to spend my money (his main hang up was money).  When you visit the counsellor, they give you written strategies for guidance.  Leave these lying around, he may ask what they are, invite him to read them.  Don't tell him to read, invite him to, if he wants to.  Once you start trying to live by the strategies, eg: the way you converse with him, the way you compliment him, this could help him realize how helpful counselling has been.  Tell him, I love you, I want you around so we can grow old together.  Don't berate him for what he isn't doing, encourage him to swim, go for a short walk so you can share what sort of day you've had.   Having a heart attack is scary, he's probably terrified he'll have another one if he tries to do anything physical.  I know you said you've tried, but tell him you need him.  Tell him you're just as scared as he is. 

I know it's hard on you, but who said marriage was easy?  You've been together 10 years, tell him you want another 10.