Can't trust since my husband attempted suicide

[KylieC]

So my husband attempted to take his life nearly 12 months ago. He has been in rehab for this entire time and still is. He is physically ok but has some now severe brain injury. He has no short or long term memory is often confused retains no new information and needs helps and promoting in all his cognitive functions. If he was to come home he would need full time care to make sure he is ok. I have decided that he can't come home and now is facing life in aged care home. I struggle with this decision daily. I feel the majority of this decision has been made as I can't face that he may do this again and just can't get over the fact that one day I may have to or my kids witness what I seem last time which will never leave me . I also have two small children and to leave work to look after him would mean we have no money to live and my kids don't deserve that.

how can I stop this feeling of guilt and try and move on !!!!

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[Kathryne]

Hi Kylie,

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions . From your post I believe you are doing the best you can faced with current position.

Making the decision to place a loved one in care is the hardest decision we have to face.

You have 2 young children that also need you. Sometimes we just need to accept what we can't change and deal with what we can.

Guilt feelings can be hard to resolve, however if you look at the care needs your husband has , he will be better off in a facility with the ability to care f or him 24/7.

Your children need to be able to have some normality in their life's.

You need time to resolve your fears and concerns about placement. You didn't choose the situation, however you can make the best of it.

Wishing you well Kathryne

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi KylieC,

I am so sorry for the situation that you are in and thank you for reaching out to us.

Obviously this is not an easy decision to make and I don't think that there is one clear answer.

Do you have a lot of support around you? Have you or your husband been in touch with psychologists or neurologists? Often they can help provide some insight into his emotional state (whether he is at risk), as well as his quality of life from the rehab, both now and into the future. They may be able to offer more insight and support into your decision as well.

I'm just wondering too if you are aware that some facilities offer short-term respite. This may be appropriate if you are concerned about his safety and also for your own peace of mind, without wanting to commit to long-term accommodation and care.

I can also see why you are feeling guilty, but there is no reason to feel guilty. You are in no way responsible for this; and deciding whether your husband will go in this facility or not will not change how much you love and respect your family. It goes without saying that none of us are in a position to decide here although I do think that end of the day it comes to what do you believe is going to provide the best quality of life for you, your children and your husband?

[KylieC]

Thanks all for your replies. My husband has no recollection of the event and why he is in hospital I have been advised he want make much more recovery he has lost all short term memory and doesn't retain any new information I have been given advice that if we were to discuss what happened he would go through a traumatic time understanding what has happened and the next day or hours later has no recollection of the discussion so it's pointless putting him through this. I would hate for my kids to witness what I had to this will never leave me and daunt me for the rest of my life. I guess I just need to do what feels right. If only he knew what that split second decision would do to his and our lives he was such a wonderful man with never any signs that something like this would happen

[White_Rose]

Dear Kylie

I am sorry this has happened to you and your family. I can appreciate how difficult it must have been to place your husband in a nursing home and all the guilt that accompanies this. Remember it was not your decision for him to try suicide. He will now never be able to tell you that and you cannot tell him why he needs to stay in the nursing home. And this is very hard for you to live with.

You are now the breadwinner in the house. To care for your husband means staying at home and probably living on a carers pension. If you take him home and pay someone to be with him during your working day it will cost a lot making your income so much smaller. I know it's hard putting up the love you feel for husband against financial reality and I would hate to be on your position.

When you and your children go to visit him at the home you will be rested and refreshed. Every time you see him it will be uninterrupted time together. No trying to do chores and talk to him at the same time. You will be giving him quality not quantity and I think it is the best option.

I also suggest you have some grief counselling. Your husband has not died but in many ways he has because you now have to live without him. Even living in your home would not bring back the person he was. This is such a heavy load for you to manage so please consider getting some grief counselling because I do think this will help. Continue to write in here because someone will always talk to you.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Kylie, I don't know how much I can say that I'm just so sorry that this has happened and has now changed your whole life, but you weren't to know that he would even try this to do this, but unfortunately made this decision not knowing what the outcome could turn out to be like and thankfully he doesn't recall the incident, but for you it's turned out to be a nightmare, but the damage he has done means that he can't live with you at home, and if he was able to return home would mean you would have to stop your job, giving him care for 24/7, and that would make you exhausted.
You aren't trained to do this and the disappointment and frustration would over power you to the extent that the children would suffer in return, so he is being taken care of now in a place that houses people like your husband, so please don't take any personal blame for this.
The aged care home knows what he tried to do and every precaution will be taken to make sure he can't attempt it again, but if he was home you can't physically look after him all the time, because you may want to do something with your children and leave him alone, that could a dasngerous time, so he is better off in this home.
It was only his choice to do what he did and had nothing to do with you, but that's how strong depression is, it makes us do what we are thinking of doing and we never discuss it with anybody else.
Your children must be asking you questions and I know they would be very difficult to answer, but perhaps your doctor maybe the best person to tell them, because you will find it so hard plus the tears won't stop from falling.
Have you thought that you may also need some grief counselling.
I hope that you can get back to us, knowing how upset you are, because we are here for you. Geoff. x