Break up or not break up?

[trying-to-find-peace]

Hi, first time poster here.

I should start by explaining some background. I have been with my partner for over a year now. We share a fun and loving relationship most of the time and share a lot of aspirations for our future together.

However not everything has been rosy. My partner struggles with intense Depression. He has been medicated but often in the past has been off and on his tablets. For a long time he has tried to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Spending time with the “wrong crowd” That itself has put a lot of strain on us in the past.. as I am very anti-drugs.

I have been his rock. I truly have always tried to be as supportive as I can, because I love him.

Some background on myself, I used to struggle with bad bad depression when I was a young teenager. Nowadays it’s more anxiety that gets to me. I have always had issues with myself but I have always found myself in friendships/relationships.. trying to help someone else rather than care for myself too. Two years ago - My mother died by suicide. This is an obvious pain in my heart that is always there. She was my bestfriend.

A month ago - my partner tried to do the same thing. My partner was admitted to hospital (special care unit) He has since been released and had all these wonderful goals to turn his life around. Fast forward to now, ever since he left hospital, he’s been back on the drink. Drinking heavily with his medication.

Lashing out and getting very verbal. I am frustrated. I am angry and disappointed that he is not trying to better himself. I have tried to help him but all this is taking a massive toll on my mental health now too. Everyday I wake up sick to my stomach and I can feel the stress crushing my body.

I am scared that it won’t get better. I am scared he won’t keep up with his therapy programs or make healthy life choices when I am not there. I am scared one day with a mix of alcohol and drugs in his system, he could try to harm himself in front of me... or maybe even hurt me too. Although there is no past of physical violence, the way he speaks and gets angry is enough to scare me.

I love him with all my heart... but when is enough, enough? When do I need to draw the line and start looking after me? How could I care for me when I spend so much time and energy on him?

Thank you

[Doolhof]

Hi Trying to find peace,

Sounds like you have a lot on your mind at present. Must have been really difficult to live through your Mum's suicide, to have had mental health issues yourself, now to be confronted with your partners mental health concerns must be quite a situation for you.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have someone there professionally you can talk to about all of this?

The beyondblue website has information on how to assist people with depression as well as how to care for someone after a suicide attempt.

As much as we desire a person to change their life around and live differently, there is only so much we can do to help and assist a person. Ultimately the individual has to do a lot of the work themselves.

Hopefully encouragement, strategies, encouragement and assistance will help your partner to see ways he can live his life differently.

It is important that you look after yourself in all of this as well.

Wishing you both all the best, from Dools

[Jemma89]

Hello trying-to-find-peace.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine in many ways. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. Last week he broke up with me because he can't give me the love I deserve and it doesn't feel 'right'.

I am confused if this is how he really feels, or if it's the state of mind his in that has helped him make this decision. I have been doing soooo much research and am starting to suspect bipolar.

We often have these disagreements where he says I would b e better off without him etc and I usually fight it and remind him it will pass, it will get better. This time I didn't fight him and let him break up with me. It has been 2 weeks now. I asked him if he was expecting me to fight his decision and if he wanted me to fight it, he said no becuase we aren't working and things don't feel right.

He believes he is better now and doesn't see that he has any issues. He has stopped taking antidepressants and seeing his psychologist.

This is hard for me becuase when his moods are seemingly good, everything is perfect. He is perfect for me. These moods can quickly change too. I am able to recognise when he's about to change, he will do things like clean the whole entire house, start throwing things away and I can also see a look in his eyes.

I am doubting myself and wondering if it's me with the issue having trouble accepting what he has decided, or if this is how I should let things sit and see if he comes back to me?