Boyfriend with depression. In desperate need of advice

[thorn-clarks]

I have been with my partner for 6 months. I'm not going to tell you our relationship were perfect in the beginning and then it all fell apart because he has depression. But I am going to tell you, he was different. He had motivation for life and work, he once enjoyed affection, and loved being around me. So much so, he moved after a couple of weeks of being together. As of about two weeks ago he started living back at home, due to feeling an overwhelming need to be alone. I have approached him regarding this issue, and yes it did cause a fight which resulted with me in tears. The following morning, it ended with him in tears scared that I was going to leave him.

I should point out that I have Bipolar disorder, so identifying signs of depression is kind of second nature. Having been living with him I was able to see him at his happiness, saddest and most vulnerable. And he's showing all signs of depression, however in the past two weeks particularly its taken a major toll on our relationship. I understand its difficult for someone with depression to focus on anything but what's going on in his head, however I feel if it continues he's going to spiral down and fast.

He's agreed to see a professional, however won't commit to a day. My main concern is what can I do, to help him and salvage our relationship.

[Amy1]

Hi, thank you for sharing. I would also like to see some posts on this, I have been with my boyfriend nearly three years and he shuts down now and again. He closes me out and its really hurtful. It can last for weeks too.

It takes a toll on our relationship too. I find if I hang in there and don't take it personally he does eventually snap out of it. But when I try and gently let him know that he is part of the problem, his defences come up and he says no I have got the problem. It drives me insane sometimes as I know that it can't be all me.

I feel hanging in is good, but when I am emotional as I am now, in particular with this wild weather we are having, I am having thoughts of leaving.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Kind regards

[Carmela]

Hi thorn-clarks, welcome to Beyondblue and thanks for reaching out. I am sorry you are experiencing a tough time in your relationship. Depression can certainly take its toll on a relationship leading to frustration and anger.

It is important for your partner to seek help and possibly medication. He needs to take ownership of his health. Have you suggested that you could come along and support him? This may make him more inclined to make the appointment.

Does he have a family member or good friend he confides in or is comfortable with? Maybe he/she could have a word with him about his mental health.

It takes strength, patience and compassion to stand by someone with depression. It sounds like, from your post, you have these qualities from your lived experience with BP. Unfortunately, you cannot put depression on a timer. It is up to your partner to acknowledge he needs help and get the assistance required. I would keep gently raising the need but do not push. He needs to come to it in his own time.

As for yourself, ensure your wellbeing is a priority and take some time out if things get tough. Do activities that make you happy and ensure your health is on track. I believe it's important to fill up your own cup of life, so you can be the best support possible. There is no selfishness in this.

I hope l have been of some assistance.

Carmela

[Carmela]

Hi Amy1 and thank you for your post. Firstly, is your partner seeing a mental health professional and/or medicated? It certainly makes life difficult when they struggle to acknowledge their mental health decline.

Unfortunately from my experience supporting my husband with depression, the blame game can raise its ugly head. I found my hubster could not see with clarity, and so would come up with reasons to pass blame if things didn't go to plan, etc. At first, it was difficult, but them l could see a pattern emerging where l soon resigned to the fact that it was the depression.

As l mentioned to Thorn-Clarks post, it takes patience and compassion to see out someone else's depression. You indicated that you are willing to hang on and that is great. I really believe that is all our partners want even though they struggle to say it. In the meantime, to get through this crazy weather and unsettledness in your relationship, focus on you and your health and wellbeing. Catch up with friends, focus on your health or simply sit and read a good book and have a cuppa at your favourite cafe. Find what makes you happy and do it when days are a little challenging.

Hang in there Amy1. Things will settle and hopefully this weather will ease up!

Carmela