Boyfriend's undiagnosed issues stressing me out

[daffodilia]

I think my boyfriend has depression and I don't know how to help him get help.

Bit of backstory - we lived in college for a while, but now he lives with two friends in an apartment. They're usually busy with work and uni; meanwhile he's only doing one subject at uni, has no job, and no hobbies besides video games/internet. He says he feels like he lives alone since they're out so much. We made a bunch of friends at college, but since we left people are busy and we don't see them much. With not much else to do he tends to get lonely easily, and he spends most of his time with me or home alone. I think he should join clubs or something to fill his time but he says he doesn't want to. This then puts pressure on me as I'm mostly his only source of entertainment.

Anyway a few months ago he told me he thought he might have depression. I'd thought so for a while - I have anxiety/had depression myself and I'd noticed similarities between his behaviour/reactions and my own. We'd talked and it had been ok and he'd seemed a little open to getting help, but wasn't keen on medication.

But that was a few months ago and since then nothing has changed. If I ever bring it up he seems to shut down on me and doesn't respond much beyond "ok" or "yeah I know". I've asked him why he's resistant to the idea and he's talked about not wanting the hassle, or not knowing what the problem is so how could they help? but he's never shut down the idea completely.

I want to understand so I can help, but when I ask him to elaborate on things or feelings the answer is often "I don't know" - I understand that's sometimes because he doesn't, or doesn't know how to say it, but he rarely elaborates and it feels like another shut down. I feel very left in the dark.

He's told me that he stresses about everything - his health, finding a job, money, figuring out what he wants to do, having no friends or hobbies, lack of exercise, no motivation. It's killing me because I can see how unhappy in his life he is, and I can see how easily it could change if he'd just take that first step and get help.

I know it's not my responsibility to look after him, but I care about him a lot and want him to be ok. But honestly, I have my own mental health to worry about. I'm nearly failing uni and I can't spend as much time with him as he'd like, which doesn't help him. Worrying about him, comforting him when he's down or keeping him company is stressing me out a lot, and I don't know what to do.

[Hope_for_the_best]

I can see you care and concern about your bf's issues. I know it is hard, but try not to let this stress you out to the extent that affects your studies. Since you mentioned you have had anxiety/depression, you must have seen some mental health professionals like psychologists. How about you book an appointment with your psychologist and bring your bf to the appointment? I am not suggesting you to fool him to an appointment, but show him how seeking mental help support like. Possibly this will make him more comfortable with seeking help. That's something I learnt from the Mental Health First Aid Course. Hope this helps and all the best!

[daffodilia]

Thank you so much for your suggestion, it means a lot. He's had some experience in the past with psychologists when he was a lot younger which might have affected his views, so maybe you're right, that could be a good way of reintroducing him.

[Blue_Jane]

Hi Daffodilia

Welcome to our forums and thanks for sharing what is going on with you.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. I know how hard it is to have a boyfriend rely on you for everything when you just want them to go back to being independent and happy.

As you would know, when you are depressed you focus on that and that only. It is hard to think outside the box or be constructive on things like getting better.

It sounds like he is open to something changing but he is just not sure what that might be. I like Hope for the best's post above, that could work. Another idea is to tackle one of his anxieties one at a time eg exercise. Maybe you can go for walks together or a swim together (in a heated pool) or drive to one of our national parks and have a picnic. It just means a change of scenery and might be helpful.

However I think you need to focus on yourself. It is easy to say that as you feel responsible for him but you are not. You are trying your best but you need to focus on uni and your own health. This doesn't mean you care less.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Blue Jane

[daffodilia]

Thank you so much for your reply, this has been really helpful to talk it out. I like that idea of doing exercise together - god knows it'd probably be good for me too!

I think you're right though, about focusing on uni and health. It's hard knowing what to say or do, but I think I might take a step back till some of my assessments are over.