Boyfriend has hit rock bottom and I'm mentally exhausted

[BritH255]

Hi everyone, I'm new here so I would really appreciate your help. 

 My partner is 24 and has had depression and anxiety since he was a teenager. He is on medication and has been going well for so long. Over the past year his anxiety has developed a lot more. He has finished his Uni degree and started stressing on getting a job. This past few months he has gotten a job that he thought he would love, but a few weeks in and he is finding it hard to be motivated and will early because he feels uneasy and his anxiety plays up. He does has sleep apnea too so this doesn't help, however does sleep with a support machine but the anxiety makes it worse. 

He questions himself, suggesting he is a failure and worries he won't be able to provide for me in the future as we want to get married and start a family. He also feels his family and I judge him as we don't understand and out reaction sometimes isn't want he wants to hear. Lately it has gotten so bad that he will just leave work and say things that do worry me. Nothing suggesting self harm but things like he is going to lose me as I will look for someone who isn't as sensitive. He repeats a lot of the same feelings and cannot relax at anything he has tried. 

For me, I'm used to dealing with people with mental health issues as I am a social worker, however as this is so close to home, I feel I have a conflict of interest and don't want to treat him as a client. I worry I am putting my own health at risk by stressing and constantly  worrying how he is feeling and checking my phone to see what he says next. I'm mentally drained from repeating myself so many times a day and ensuring he is okay. 

I would really like some support as how to support him more and to detach myself from the professional life to support him. Although I have used many resources to help, he doesn't seem interested and does not think I understand. 

Cheers, 

Brittany

[PatT]

Hi Brittany,

I can imagine how draining the whole situation must be for you, on top of being a social worker. I'm much in the same boat as your boyfriend at the moment - 24, just finished uni, daunting this new task of having to adjust to the adult world. Lots of people go through really rough phases after they finish uni, as though the world now expects so much more of them and they're obliged to take on all these new responsibilities. He's landed himself a good job presumably in line with whatever he studied but he sounds like he is having trouble settling down. 

What he's going through right now may (hopefully) be a phase. Post-uni life is pretty daunting and I know I'm pretty wigged out with the thought of actually getting serious with my life and career. As for trying to separate your social work and your boyfriend's stuff, I really can't give much advice there. How much stuff do you do to look after your own mental health? Do you exercise, socialise, do recreational things? Or is all your time spent stressing about your boyfriend?

If it is, it's going to be near impossible to help him in such a state. Try taking better care of yourself if he's unwilling to accept your support. It's easy to become dragged down by a partner's mental illness so avoid the trap by putting up some barriers through your own mental wellbeing.

[Paul]

Hey Brittany,

As PatT has mentioned, and you probably know all too well, you must look after yourself. I do understand how difficult it is when someone you love is unwell, especially as your occupational impulse is to care and your instinct as a loving partner is to care as well.

Something struck me about the wording you have used which could be a clue. I wonder if your boyfriend may need to chat to his Dr about the effectiveness of his current medication. That, coupled with the stresses of the changes that have been happening could be a recipe for a snowball.

My own experience has been that biological stability provides me with a foundation to be able to deal better with stressors and helps me to "catch" things before they affect me.

So, I'm wondering if a medication review might be required. The stress of changes is obviously a factor, but I wonder if they are amplified.

You **may** need to put an invisible counselling hat on to encourage your BF to visit the Dr

What are your thoughts?

Stay well Brittany

Paul x