bipolar partner smokes pot and argues constantly

KLG · ‎18-09-2017

my partner has been diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and has taken medication for 20 years. He also smokes pot - I find this difficult to accept. He says it helps with tremors that he experiences as a result of his medication and it helps calm his mind - but I still have trouble accepting the habit as I feel concerned it is not necessarily a positive help - he recently started a new medication and has been incredibly reactive, aggressive verbally and abusive and quite often blames me for anything and everything. He tells his psych that everything is going great - I have a very different perception. It is really getting me down to the point I am questioning the longevity of our relationship as I cant handle the feeling of walking on eggshells constantly. I feel he is constantly shutting me down also.

Starwolf · ‎19-09-2017

Welcome to the forums KLG,

Sorry to read your life has become so difficult right now. Your partner obviously has problems he seems to be projecting on you. Whether smoking pot helps him is debatable. The question re what it helps or doesn't is still being discussed around medical circles. His explanation may well be an excuse to keep smoking.

He isn't being honest with his psych, which means he is probably not honest with himself either. Not ready to learn to manage his issues.

Shutting others down is often a by-product of mental conditions. However, mental illness is never an excuse for treating loved ones poorly.

Is there somewhere you can retreat to (friend, family) whenever he does ? Often, this helps bring home the point that such behaviour is not acceptable and that you will no longer take it.

You can help and support a loved one but can never be responsible for another adult. If help and support are consistently rejected, you will have to shield yourself from toxic interaction. Have you discussed living separately for a while ? It doesn't mean ending the relationship. It could help put a few things into perspective for both of you.

Your own mental/emotional well being is just as important as his. Nurturing a relationship takes 2. So please take good care of yourself. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you could check the section called Supporting someone (which includes Looking after yourself). If you feel overwhelmed, do not hesitate to seek counseling for yourself. You would be pointed in the right direction. In any case, a bit of soul searching sounds necessary at this point in time.

Carers Australia (1800 242 636) also has a site which can be accessed by copying this link into your browser :

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Good to have you on board.

Starwolf · ‎19-09-2017

Do you feel your partner's mood deterioration has something to do with his new medication ? Or that it may be a poor combination with pot ? It may take a while for body and mind to adjust to the change.

If it persists, will it be possible for your partner to discuss the adverse reaction with his treating doctor ? Though if the combination is to blame, I doubt he will admit to smoking...

KLG · ‎19-09-2017

thank you so much for your response/s - fortunately we are not living together at this present time (however normally spend each night together staying either at his or mine), and i have found myself, particularly over the last two weeks, staying home as opposed to staying at his at all. I have also told him I am really having difficulty with the pot situation and its not getting easier for me its getting harder = i agree that he is not being honest with his psych and i think its pointless not being open with the psych, this annoys me greatly also. I am definitely becoming more proactive in protecting myself from his abusive behavior by refusing to accept it - which has been part of the problem lately as I just cannot tolerate it anymore. Re the new meds - I think he has been WORSE after having pot since being on the new meds - however he states the new meds are helping him think clearer? Him and I have very different views and observations on what has actually been happening, like everything everyone has their own perspective. If things dont improve I will have to reconsider my whole positioning in regards to continuing to commit to the relationship. many thanks Starwolf

Starwolf · ‎20-09-2017

Thank you for the feedback and kudos for taking good care of yourself. I was relieved to read you have somewhere safe to retreat.

It seems your partner is keen to find excuses to keep on doing what he likes. Smoking pot can be the ultimate escape (been there, done that) so it is probably very important to him at this point in time. However, that's HIS strategy. No need to put up with it if it is unacceptable to you. Acceptance cannot be forced. If attempted over an extended period of time, it will only bring resentment and frustration.

If nothing changes, I totally agree that considering your options would be the wisest, most courageous step you can take.

KLG · ‎20-09-2017

one of the things that makes it difficult when i try to have conversation around the pot issue is it comes up that i knew he was a smoker fairly early on in the relationship - i didnt know how MUCH he smoked tho - he told me initially it was kind of a weekend thing but these days its more often than not - put it this way, if he has it, he cant not smoke it - he will smoke it till its gone, then do what he calls "detox" for a few days (its becoming literally a few days - two at the most) before he goes and gets more - to me that is indicating a definite dependence. its hard when he says that i knew he smoked and he hasnt changed, i am the one who has changed - but i dont think thats entirely fair? this is the first "romantic" relationship I have been in with someone who has a diagnosis of bipolar, and to be honest certain aspects of that alone have been challenging for me, with the pot on top it really is making the situation more difficult than i think it needs to be. It really has become quite an issue, and I really am a bit of a loss as when things are good between us they're great....