Bi Polar Partner - SOS!

[hope1978]

My husband was diagnosed with bi polar around a year after the birth of our child. It has been a rollercoaster ever since. He went completely manic, following me around the house talking about how he was going to make millions. His plans for this included becoming a 'professional boat thief' and buying an airport to turn into a drag racing venue for teenagers (apparently that way they would not be out on the street in cars and everyone in the community would love us). He started drinking heavily and being verbally abusive, a couple of times physically. Then he withdrew from me, wouldn't really talk to me and kept saying alcohol was the only good thing in his life. I couldn't believe this was the sweet, quiet, gentle, affectionate man who I married. The breaking point came when he disappeared, I couldn't contact him as he either wouldn't answer his mobile or answered and screamed at me to leave him alone. Then the police brought him home bloodied and bruised. He had held up a pub and everyone in it at knife point, on a Sunday, at lunchtime, for no particular reason he knew of. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and now has a criminal conviction. He is on medication and something else to dampen crazy sexual desire that also got him in trouble. Things go along ok for a while, then he will go slightly manic, get ideas about becoming rich, spends all the money on the credit card, usually get fired from whatever job he has at the time, then get depressed and angry again...then the merry go round begins again. I'm soooo exhausted. I feel like I don't have a partner, my son doesn't have a proper dad as my husband gets irritated by him too easily and needs space and peace all the time. I spend so much of my time looking after my husband, fixing up whatever latest problem he has got himself into, sorting out money issues, trying to find a new job for him, walking on eggshells and sorting out Centrelink. Im ashamed to say it but I dream of what life would be like without him around. I don't know what to do. The next step is cutting up credit cards so the spending sprees don't happen again. Wish I had some support, i'm drowning in this.

[white knight]

Hi Hope, welcome

Cutting up credit cards isn't such a  drastic first step. Radical opposition often needs radical responses I'm afraid.

I'm not bipolar type 1, but am bipolar type 2 (among other issues) and I'm quite calm and less extreme than bipolar 1. I had a bipolar 1 acquaintance and his wife attend our home for dinner and he was quite bazaar. He insisted we sat where he told us to (in my own home), that we couldn't sip our coffee until he put the milk away (I asked him "what if I want a little more milk?" to which he replied "I'll get it for you" and finally he lectured me on why our lawn was so long when we'd mowed it the day before. His wife came to the rescue to tell us he mowed their lawn every day often without the engine of the lawn mower actually working!!!

This is not to tarnish any bipolar person in any way. We are all different. But I'd like to point out that he and his wife had been married for 32 years with his condition going for most of that period. She told me she coped better than most not because of her love for him but her ability in her personality to cope with it. "I'm the type that can survive it" she said. "I do love him but see him as an unwell child" is another comment.

I think you need support. A GP visit should be a regular thing for you not only to discuss your husband but to talk to him/her about you and your coping issues.

I don't have any other ideas. I feel for you and hope you find ways to be happy. One article I wrote some time ago that is relevant is this- (google it) ......."Topic: who cares for the carer? -beyondblue" It discusses bare minimum of care the mentally ill person should be able to return to you on a daily basis. Otherwise your relationship begins to be too one sided with you being the nurse, wife, carer and many other hats worn.

Alcohol and mental illness is a bad match. Take control and be strong and seek support at the same time.

Tony WK

[PennyAngela88]

I just joined this site for very similar reasons. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and have four kids together. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder long before we met. His highs dont go to the extreme that your husband's do but his lows are our breaking point. He becomes emotionally and verbally abusive and has also been physically abusive towards me. The kids and I have packed up and left several times. However I always feel badly for him and go home when he has returned to somewhat of a normal state. I know he is unwell but he refuses to get treatment. He has been severely depressed for a few months now and life is miserable in our house. Like your husband he has very little patience for our kids and always needs "alone time." If I ask him to do anything or really if I say anything at all he becomes angry and snaps at me. He says I am "drowning" him. The kids dont want to be around him and honestly I can't blame them. I feel like I am suffering from what they call "depression fallout" almost like his depression is contagious. I know its his illness talking when he yells at me or puts me down but I cant help but take it personally. So whilst I don't have any advice for you know that you aren't alone. X