Best approach to caring for someone with depression.

emn_ems · ‎08-07-2016

Hi there, this is my first post in an online forum and it is a rather lengthy one, please forgive anything that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
I am seeking some advice on how to best approach caring for someone very close to me who suffers clinical depression and terrible mood swings.
Some background; in April last year I was coming out of my own recovery from a four year battle with anorexia when I met one of the most wonderful people I ever have who became my partner. He has been under the control of a depressive disorder for the last six years and I have known this about him for almost as long as I have known him.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was very open about it all, including about how the new and intense feelings of love and happiness scared him. Our relationship was as near to perfect as can be, and for a long time I helped him through his mood swings and the conflict that came in both the highs and the lows. A few times now he has cut contact with me, cut off the relationship, with no discernible reason or prompt. Each time within weeks or even days, he returns and I see how broken he is over that. Knowing the control a mental illness can have, I do not and have never blamed him for those and I still care about him, love him, very deeply.
After a long while of this back-and-forth love-and-hate, we've finally reached a point of being on the same page, that a romantic relationship is not possible and not healthy while he is under such a powerful control of his depression.
In essence, we are "on hold". We speak nearly every day, and still have the same easy connection we always have, but there are days that he very unpredictably will cease contact; not talk at all whether it be casually or about what is going on in his mood.
In my searches for advice on "loving someone with depression", almost every source tells me that reaching out is the best thing to do. In the past I have tried to reach out to him when he is in a low mood and it makes him *extremely* angry, and sparks fear in me that he will hate me for trying to help but doing the wrong thing.
How do I care for him, is there anything that I can do to help him, when I don't think he even knows why he feels so bad?

Fairywings · ‎10-07-2016

Hi there and welcome. It saddens me to hear that your partner is struggling and to know of your own monsters you were dealing with. fighting the monsters of a mental illness is never easy and from experience cannot be done alone. I am so proud of you for sticking by him. yes he will show all sides to his personality but I am proud of you in knowing what a mental illness can do to a person. By chance do you know if he is linked in with a GP? psychologist ? psychiatrist? medication? I think it is very important he see a GP if left untreated his metal illness can take over in unimaginable ways. He is very lucky to have you yes it may feel like he is pushing you away, getting extremely angry but just remember that is his mental illness playing mind games on him, but in fact that is his cry for help. I am just thinking of ways if you can get him to see a GP if he refuses to see one have one come home to visit him and take things from there. for home visits you can just call the home doctor online service. "National home doctor service" just google for contact details. let me know what you think hope to talk to you soon xx

emn_ems · ‎10-07-2016

Hi Fairywings,

He has begun to see a psychiatrist this year, and a GP for (so far only) a mental health care plan. What terrifies me, and I know that it is selfish that it does, is that his psychiatrist urges him to cut himself off from me and anyone who is marginally close to him. When I know that isn't what he wants to do, I struggle sometimes to see the logic in his psychiatrist's decision in that advice but as she is the professional I would not argue against it. But ultimately it is his decision, and his decision in his 'moments of clarity' has always been that he wants someone supportive and close to him, and he allows me to be that person.
I wish sometimes that I could ask his psychiatrist what her approach in his treatment is, as everything I know of mental illnesses from my own experience, friend's experiences and even just reading material, is that isolation is not a solution.

Fairywings · ‎10-07-2016

I am struggling with that notion too why would the psychiatrist urge that?? I'm so happy he wants you there to be a part of it because he def needs that. Ur a def 100% correct isolation is def not the answer. I know from my own experience with my psychiatrist my partner has been allowed in the room, he was very concerned for me at one stage in my life and my psychiatrist was happy to hear what he had to say about me and the concerns he had for me. I think it would be a good idea to attend a couple of sessions with him explain to her the reason why you are there and that then you will all be able to get a idea of how to help him recover the best way possible for him. She should allow you to sit in on a couple of sessions after all it is in relation to the one who love and care dearly for. would your partner hesitate to have you there in the room?

geoff · ‎11-07-2016

hello, I too can't understand why his psychiatrist would even say that to him, because that's only going to confuse him even further and complicate everything especially if that's NOT what he wants to do.
I would suggest that he gets another psych and also I favour seeing a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, because my experience with the latter have never gone the way I hoped it would go.
When you love someone who is suffering from depression we have to realise and more important understand that there will be times in the day or week that all they want to do is hibernate, and it may appear as though he doesn't love you or reciprocate your love approaches towards him, which can be taken very hard by you and feel as though the love in the relationship has finished, but never be confused with this because it's a stage where depression has taken grip of him and closed the roller door between the both of you, but it doesn't mean that his love for you has gone, it's just temporarily blocked by depression.
You have to have patience because you can't get rid of his depression until it is ready to leave him, and what time frame there is no one knows, but with counselling and medication could the start he needs, but again with these it won't automatically disappear.
Just tell him that you are there for him when ever he needs someone to talk to and that you love him, and don't feel upset if there is no response back from him.
On his good days you could suggest doing something that you know he always loves to do, and as much as you want to talk to him it's not good to ask him question after question, this will just make him crawl back into the black hole, let him talk, participate with him, but he has to be in control with the conversation.
Depression is a curse for the person but also for those close around him.
I hope we can hear back from you. Geoff. x

emn_ems · ‎11-07-2016

I have considered a few times before asking him if I could speak with his psych as well, I'm never sure how he will take it. Anger is an enormous part of his affliction, and sometimes the tiniest and most trivial things set him on weeks-long periods of being very angry with me and not even speaking.
I think if I were to ever have a chance to ask to be involved more formally with his treatment, I would need to wait for him to be in a very good mood (and that's definitely not now unfortunately).
It becomes very difficult to speak with him about things like that, because in his mind, we are nothing but people who speak and know quite a lot about each other, whereas in my mind, he is my love and someone I am giving my all to be there for, until he is able to accept that love in the way he says he wants to.
I guess I'm just not sure how I would bring up the idea with him. I see a counselor (not a psych) of my own on occasion, but it is hard to gather any advice from her on how I should be behaving in his/our specific situation.

emn_ems · ‎11-07-2016

Hi Geoff, and thank you for your reply.

I sincerely hope that you are right, as stated in my reply to Fairywings I love him and care about him very deeply, but I know that at this stage, he doesn't see me as such an important person in his life as I see him in mine. When the times come that he does withdraw, I find it very difficult to not descend myself into some small despair - thinking things like "he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to" or "he doesn't even want or need me here for him".
It's very early days for him seeing a psych, I know that he doesn't enjoy it but if he is ever open to speaking with me about his appointments and what he thinks of her treatment guidelines, I will ask him if he is open to exploring other options. In my experience in treatment with anorexia, I found much more benefit and sincerity in the treatment I received from psychologists and counselors than I did with psychiatrists also, it's a funny thing isn't it?
I suppose for now the most I can give him is time, and work hard against my own defeatist thoughts that surface when he is in the grips of his depression.
Thank you again.

Fairywings · ‎11-07-2016

oh sweetheart you are such a strong girl, stronger than you think caring for someone who has a mental illness is never easy and also with your own issues my heart can understand this sort of pain. I have also suffered with anorexia nervosa many many years ago from childhood to in my early to late teen years it was something i used to do to cope with whole notion of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and every other monster this brings out, drug abuse, self harm etc etc. I think if it is difficult to talk to him right now i would write him a letter saying everything you want to say and give it to him and let him digest it for a while. you may just never know xx