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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Msjett At my wits end
  • replies: 3

Hi All. Looking for any advice with regards to supporting / managing a spouse who has depression and looking after myself while doing so. Long story short, my husband developed depression and anxiety (and I think bi-polar tendencies that have not bee... View more

Hi All. Looking for any advice with regards to supporting / managing a spouse who has depression and looking after myself while doing so. Long story short, my husband developed depression and anxiety (and I think bi-polar tendencies that have not been formally diagnosed) just after the birth of our son two years ago. The condition/s were managed with anti-depressants up until three months ago, where he spontaneously took himself off them. We are now back to where we started with him sleeping constantly and not being interested in anything, anyone or activity. He loves our son, plays and cares for him-- this is not the issue-- the issue is that it actively feels like he's avoiding me, even to the point that ten minutes after I get through the door at the end of the day, he will just go to bed and leave me with everything until about 9pm, including the house work, dinner and bath for our son, our dinner, laundry and household administration (bills etc). I have tried so many different ways of approaching this topic with him with no success over the last two years. I have confronted him about this, tried the caring approach, tried ignoring the situation and just "getting on with what I need to do". I'm at the point where I am now getting four hours sleep a night, doing a full day at work and then all of the house stuff. He promises that he will change, try harder etc but there is no carry over from this commitment- even when he was on medication. I DREAD going home and only do so because of my son. I can't carry on with this level of stress, it's affecting my own mental health and my own physical health too. Any advice would be appreciated. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Pixy My partner tells me he hates his life and insists there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere.
  • replies: 1

Hello, This is my first time posting. Im concerned about my partner, we have had a lot of up and downs - mostly struggling with his depression, social anxiety, constant arguing and problems with alcohol (also my own depression and trauma as well). He... View more

Hello, This is my first time posting. Im concerned about my partner, we have had a lot of up and downs - mostly struggling with his depression, social anxiety, constant arguing and problems with alcohol (also my own depression and trauma as well). He goes through phases of not working and falls into a very long and deep depression (this has happened twice over our three years together) has been on and off antidepressants and has tried counselling which apparently didn't help much. Things are actually ok..ish at the moment however I feel the need to push him in the right direction so it doesn't happen again. He hates what he does for work and I know he feels trapped and doesn't know how or what he wants to do with his life. He has said to me he hates his life and tells me there is no point discussing it because it never goes anywhere. I find this incredibly frustrating as I am a very practical person and I feel like I could help him navigate options if only he was more open minded, but he is so negative. I strongly think he should go back to study to help change his direction and pursue his interests. But money is of course an issue, but he doesn't want to do share housing to make it possible, and we are not emotionally stable enough to live together. He is in his early 30's and knows that he does not want to continue in his line of work which is very labor intense and long hours but is making no effort to get out of it. His lack of effort to seek change drives me nuts when all he does is complain about it! I just want him to find purpose or at least not dread going to work everyday, what can I do to help? He makes it very difficult to talk about this and says it's a sensitive issue and has contributed to his depression and anxiety for a very long time. All of this is strongly impacting out relationship, I won't want to stay with him if he chooses to repeat another year like this but it's unfair to threaten him like that. Even if we don't work out I still want him to be happy and find value in his life. Any advice on what I can do?

Flowerpower26 Husband showing signs of depression...
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum but after reading other people’s posts thought I might be able to get some advice and support in this time. My husband and I have been married for 2.5years and we have a beautiful little 16month old boy who we both ... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum but after reading other people’s posts thought I might be able to get some advice and support in this time. My husband and I have been married for 2.5years and we have a beautiful little 16month old boy who we both love dearly. I have been with my husband for 7.5 years and as a partnership we are very strong. Since we have been together, my husband has been able to work in his dream career as a professional athlete (I won’t disclose what field), but this is unfortunately also becoming a large source of emotional and mental stress that I beleive is really starting to cause him a lot of pain. His field brings on a lot of expectation, politics and in his case continuous “disappointments” that have quite often been out of his control. However, being in the public spotlight it is often not portrayed like that and he worries about his reputation, which adds a layer of pressure. As is often observed, the birth of our son has again seen my husband put even more expectation on himself to “be the best” and “do well” because he feels it is his responsibility to support the family (which he is doing already, he just needs to be reminded sometimes). lately, I have noticed he has been on board a rollercoaster of emotions -good and bad days. He sometimes talks and vents about his feelings and other days shuts down about it. Some weeks he doesn’t have a full day off causing him to constantly be around the people and environment that are aggravating his emotions. He is confused about what to do, and is torn between doing what is best for himself mentally because of the “damage” it may do in his career. We have spoken openly about his feelings, and he knows that he is supported by me and is looking to speak to a sports psychologist. However, i am wondering if anyone has any other tips on what I can do for him on this journey? Also, while I am positive about him seeing a sport psychologist I am worried that he may need additional counseling support that addresses more than the sport aspect and performance. Maybe someone can clarify more about what a sport psychologist can do for him to me? I feel he showing more signs of depression than he realizes, but I don’t know how I can address this with him? I am scared it will make him feel worse and I know that he will worry about the effect it is having on me and my son more than himself. thanks in advance!

Puppies Caring for yourself
  • replies: 3

Hi there, I’ve recently been having difficulties with my long-term partner of 4 years. He deals with depression and anxiety. Over the last few months I’ve realised that I don’t know how to look after myself. When friends or family members tell me to ... View more

Hi there, I’ve recently been having difficulties with my long-term partner of 4 years. He deals with depression and anxiety. Over the last few months I’ve realised that I don’t know how to look after myself. When friends or family members tell me to take care of myself while things are being sorted, I always say that I will. But then when I’m having one of my down times where I overthink everything, I realise that I don’t know how to take care of myself. There are days when I wake up and instantly have bad thoughts about what’s going on, and then I don’t want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep. What ways have you or people you know dealt with overthinking/anxiety? What methods do you use to feel better? And what would be considered self-care? - puppies

lioness18 Partner with depression - hoping for advice
  • replies: 3

I am supporting my partner who suffers with depression. We have been together 2.5 years and episodic depression is something which he has struggled with the entire time we have been together. Generally we have a very happy relationship, we love eacho... View more

I am supporting my partner who suffers with depression. We have been together 2.5 years and episodic depression is something which he has struggled with the entire time we have been together. Generally we have a very happy relationship, we love eachother very much and barely argue. His depressive episodes are sporadic and he has extended periods of time where he is absolutely fine. Generally his low points come at times in our lives where things are unsettled or we are struggling with money. Due to pursuing his passion taking him across the world and back again, he has not got a career as he has had to take more casual work that has offered him flexibility. He is now approaching 30 and although I try to tell him that when he's 80 he'll look back at this time and be happy that he pursued his passion rather than get a career, during down points he feels very worthless because of this. I feel that most of his depression is circumstantial - in that he is triggered by stressful situations in his life - e.g. moving abroad, not having any money, being stressed about getting a job etc. When he is down, I find it extremely difficult to support him. I'm desperate to help him but he won't talk to me and I am the only person who truly knows the extent of his depression. He pushes me away and flips between telling me he's not good enough for me and lashing out at me about small things. He won't get help because he doesn't want to be medicated and doesn't feel that talking to a professional would help. He knows how to help himself in terms of diet, exercise and meditation etc but when he's at his worst he can't bring himself to follow those basic principles and I can't make him do it. I find it extremely stressful and draining and I feel completely helpless/useless. I'm terrified he will break up with me because he thinks he's not good enough for me or worse, that one day in an extreme low he may hurt himself. I can't talk to him about how I feel and the impact it has on me because he can't support himself let alone support me through how I feel about this at these times. Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel he has called me selfish and I have learnt that that is fair, but I don't have any support or anyone to talk to about it myself. I really don't know how to help him or to help myself. Any advice would be welcomed.

Mims 15yr daughter refuses to come out of her room
  • replies: 3

Hello, I’m in desperate need of help. I’m feeling very helpless and so emotional that I’m not able to function. My daughter who suffers severe depression, anxiety, self harms and borderline personality disorder has totally shut her family and friends... View more

Hello, I’m in desperate need of help. I’m feeling very helpless and so emotional that I’m not able to function. My daughter who suffers severe depression, anxiety, self harms and borderline personality disorder has totally shut her family and friends out except for her older brother. She has refused to come out of her room for about a week now. Everytime my husband and I would go in to check in on her... she screams, cries and refuses to even look at us. It breaks our heart to see her like this... she looks at us like we are strangers. I have to get my son to bring her food in her room otherwise she would starve. She also refuses to take her medication, only eats one meal a day, probably took 3 showers in the last 7 days. We are all concerned about her. Tomorrow is meant to be her first day back at school from holidays but with her current situation I don’t think she’ll be going. My main concern is her mental state. We’re all worried sick about her. We have spoken to a psychiatrist whom she refuses to see. The psychiatrist said to be patient with her and to give her time and space. I can not watch her spend her life like this. How long do we have to wait.... what can we do to get her out of her room??? My son said she is scared of people (including myself and her dad). Why is this??? Does anyone know the reason for her feeling this way? I’m lost, confused, heartbroken and helpless.

Adviceplease99 How to help my brother living abroad
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on supporting my brother. We have suspected he was unwell for a long time but recently he admitted to having quite severe mental health issues. He’s been through a lot for the past 8 years, a close friend recently taki... View more

Hi, I’m looking for some advice on supporting my brother. We have suspected he was unwell for a long time but recently he admitted to having quite severe mental health issues. He’s been through a lot for the past 8 years, a close friend recently taking his life and an abusive relationship along with other stuff. He moved abroad at a very young age and is now living in quite a dangerous area. A couple of days ago he was attacked by his ex-girlfriend, and he appears to be the lowest he’s ever been. He’s started smoking a lot of weed again and stopped seeing his counsellor. It’s got to a point that my parents are worried either he is going to take his own life or something will happen to him due to the area he’s in and because he is still in the house with his ex. My parents have tried to support him for years but feel they have nothing left. We have all suggested ways to help himself and given him money etc. They feel their only options are to distance themselves for their own sake, or to fly to the US and try to bring him home to give him an opportunity to sort himself out. I have also very recently moved here so we are all trying to support from different continents. We are all struggling with our own issues partly down to this. Has anyone got any suggestions for anything we can do to help him? I am struggling to stand back and watch things unfold because I am so worried for his life. Thanks in advance.

TheDailyGrind Husband has anxiety, need help to cope.
  • replies: 10

My husband of just a year has anxiety, he does not leave the house unless forced. He stays at home all day and plays video games. This leaves me as the sole provider in our family as well as the person who does most of the housework and all the cooki... View more

My husband of just a year has anxiety, he does not leave the house unless forced. He stays at home all day and plays video games. This leaves me as the sole provider in our family as well as the person who does most of the housework and all the cooking, I am so stressed out all the time, I’m not sleeping properly and I worry about everything. My job is not secure, I’m employed casually and I have no guarantee of employment next year. His suggestion is that I find more work and that stresses me out even more. He says he can’t work and will not seek any therapy, he’s hoping for a magic pill to make the anxiety go away. I dont know what to do, am I a monster for feeling so stressed out and thinking he should at least try to get some part time work to help the finances. I’m just not coping right now and I fear we will lose our house, the house I worked hard for before I met him. I feel like I’m coping worse than him right now.

Muumy4 Is it ok to be angry?
  • replies: 5

Apologies in advance, newbie here. My partner has just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We’ve been together for 3 years. I’ve been aware of it for months but it was only after I left him for a few days that I think he actually understood t... View more

Apologies in advance, newbie here. My partner has just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We’ve been together for 3 years. I’ve been aware of it for months but it was only after I left him for a few days that I think he actually understood that there was a problem and it needed to be addressed. After trying everything else I was at wits end. Not only as his partner, but as a mum to 4 kids who just couldn’t cope with trying to manage his moods and actions and do what needed to be done for the kids. Im dealing with my own mental health issues, and have done for years, and I know it’s scary and overwhelming and it eats you up from the inside. But I work at it, I have worked at it daily for years. Mat the moment I’m struggling. Struggling with anger, hurt and frustration, resentment and guilt. I’m angry at his family for just assuming I’m ok with this. I’m angry at his ex wife for still insisting we have my step son even when I’ve said to her he’s not well and I’m not coping, can she just give me a weekend off? I’m frustrated that he’s still in bed at midday and yelling at the kids for making noise. I’m angry at myself for resenting him when I know it’s not his fault and he can’t help it but why did it have to take me leaving after months of talking to him about it to get to this point of seeking help. I’m tired of feeling guilty because I keep thinking can someone just deal with him so I can deal with my kids and be ‘me’ for five minutes, and why is it up to me to financially support us because he can’t get out of bed? I feel so selfish for thinking ‘where do I fit in this picture’. For thinking why do I have to farm my kids out for the weekend to work so he can lay in bed and blame everyone and everything else for his crappy life, when all of it was his own doing and decisions he made? I know there’s a mountain here to work through, and I know he’s taken the first step, and I love him and this is what relationships are, supporting each other through good times and bad, but I feel so terrible for what I’m feeling towards him. And his family, because I know it’s not their job to ‘fix this’, mum just scared of where these emotions are taking me.

Wizard1 Is it OCD? How can I help?
  • replies: 13

Hi all, My partner and I have been living together for 3.5 years now. Over these years, I have noticed that she seems to have anxieties when it comes to the security of our home. She has owned her home for 5 years now and hasn't allowed her friends t... View more

Hi all, My partner and I have been living together for 3.5 years now. Over these years, I have noticed that she seems to have anxieties when it comes to the security of our home. She has owned her home for 5 years now and hasn't allowed her friends to visit her there. If I invite my family and friends to our home, she becomes very anxious and is concerned that my guest will break something. If that someone happens to be my 3 year old niece, she starts hating me for inviting her and threats to hit my niece if she breaks anything. When we leave the house, she is always routinely checking the windows, oven and electrical outputs. She stares at the window for 10-20 seconds trying to decide if the window is in the correct position and secure. Quite often she goes back and double or triple checks the windows. When she locks the door, she checks the handle 6 times, and even then walks away a few meters and then goes back and checks again. She also very conscience about dust entering our home. For example, she gets really anxious when I need to bring the tool box into our home because of the dust it might bring. We get into an argument about it each time. My understanding of her, is that she sees our home as a sanctuary and she fears anyone or anything that would violate that sanctuary. Although I do believe these issues are manageable for now I am concerned that it could get worse particularly if something tragic happens to her life and it will become so bad that she will start seeing me as threat to our home too. I would like to know what everyone's opinion is here? Is this OCD? Should I encourage her to seek help or am I worrying too much? If she does have OCD what is the best way I can help her? For example, she wants me to join her when she is checking the windows before we leave each morning. Should I check with her or is this encouraging the wrong behaviour? Many thanks in advanced