Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Husband with bipolar and recently identified Aspergers

replies: 1

Hello I am pretty new to all of this and it’s a pretty complex issue. My husband has had bipolar long before he met me. We are both bisexual. We are in a polyamorous marriage as the openess suits us, particularly when he is having an episode and going to strippers, meeting men, seeing women, etc. He has just gotten a new high pressure job. And a couple of weeks ago his doctor suggested he may have some degree of Aspergers. Since starting this new job he has had two nights heavy drinking and doing drugs. I was with him but it’s too much. He comes down very hard and is not good when tired, let alone hung over!! He is far more aggressive and snappy with my than usual. I can’t say anything right and he picks arguments over any little thing. I’m not from here (I’m from UK) so have no close friends or family to rely on. I did have a good relationship with his Mum but he has sabotaged that with some hurtful comments during an argument. I feel even more iscolated. And unwanted. We haven’t been intimate in a while but he is perusing other people. And that obviously upsets me but it gets turned back on me. Like everything else. I’m lying here now, feeling upset. And I really don’t know how to find the right support. I went to see a counseller on my own mental health plan to try and deal with this and feel supported myself but I really did not gel with her and found her quite irritating. This is a long term thing I know. For my whole life. Has anyone got any advice for getting through these difficult periods?

Helping a partner through depression but he has cut me off

replies: 5

Hi, ive been dating someone for around 6 months now. In the beginning everything was great, and then I started noticing every now and then he would be a little moody and go quiet for a couple of days and then things would be normal. I found out he was on antidepressants which I figured explained the moodiness. I brought up the topic with him, which he got defensive over but I kind of figured some men aren’t so great with that topic. So I let it be. I let him know that it’s ok. And I know of others who take antidepressants also and I’m not here to judge. It’s great he sort help and I’ll always be around if he needed me for anything. So a few months go past. Same moodiness every now and then. He said he’s stresses at work. We went away for a long weekend and everything seemed great, but once we got back. He went silent. For almost a week I got nothing from him. No calls no messages. Maybe a basic “good morning, hope your days good” every now and then. I would ask if he is ok and he would always say “yes”. This went on for another week and I couldn’t take the silence any more. I asked what was going on, why he was shutting me out and he said he was dealing with some things and that was all. He wouldn’t even talk to me about normal things in his life any more. Then I found out he had been to a couple of funerals, he was at job interviews etc. I felt non-existent at this point. I don’t need to know all the details of his day to day life but he wasn’t sharing anything at all. Then goes another week. I had to speak up. We had an argument and he said he needed some time. Almost a week later he calls and explains what’s going on but the conversation was left unfinished. He came into my work with his daughter, for me it was a very awkward moment, it’s almost like he thought things were normalc which they aren’t. And now it’s been almost a week again. And I’ve headers absolutely nothing. I want to be supportive of what’s happening. And I understand that maybe he needs to clear some issues in his life but he has been around his family and friends and I seam to be the only one shut out. He says this isn’t true, he’s like this with other people. how long so I just wait around?

Thank you, carers!

replies: 1

Thank you to my family and friends for their support during my struggles with depression over the years. During the not so good times and the relapses, my family in particular stood by me which I am so thankful for. To the people reading who are caring or supporting someone they love, you are amazing! Thank you for your love and persistence. Thank you, thank you! Even if the person you are caring for tries to distance themselves or tells you to leave them alone, keep up the amazing work! I would not be here today if I didn’t have a strong support network and I am forever thankful. Xo

Is moving interstate going to help? or can we work things out here?

replies: 4

My boyfriend (21, neurotypical) and I (27f, high-functioning autism) have been dating for 3 years. We met in Sydney at a university college where I was studying a master's degree and he was starting a bachelor of engineering, I came from Adelaide and he came from rural NSW. After I finished my Master's we made the decision to move together back to Adelaide where I have a home and a 9-year old son (who high functioning autism and supports in place here). Neither of us has friends down here, he does not have family here & my family is not emotionally supportive. I am exactly where I want to be, I am a little stressed (home renos, new job etc) but feel close to achieving my goals. A move would mean tearing my life apart, ripping my son out of established supports, losing my home and the stability it affords me toward my goal of owning property, I could lose my horses and a recent dream job opportunity. While I could eventually figure stuff out, I am 27 and I don't want to be starting again right now. I would be happy to move in a few-5 years. For him, he doesn't have a career set-up (lost interest in engineering, got rejected from policing), is stuck in a job he hates with irregular hours & night-shifts, is struggling with responsibilities at home, and is isolated (lost touch with old friends, doesn't know where to start making new ones). He could move without much disruption to himself & only stays for the relationship & the home (is sick of renos!) - he ultimately believes everything would be instantly better if he moved back with his family. I want to be together and it pains me that this could tear us apart. I have encouraged him to seek psychological help and he is booked in for a start in January (best they could do), I am trying to help him set smaller goals and have pointed him towards MoodGym (I am unfortunately very problem-focused and I have to work hard to pay attention to his emotional needs to!). I don't want to move, I think things could get better here and I kind of resent the idea of tearing my life apart because it might be easier for him - but in all fairness it probably would be easier for him to start from there - especially as he currently feels overwhelmed and powerless to change anything. I don't know what to do Over the 2 years at college, he lost interest in his degree and decided to do policing. He lost interest in his degree and decided to do policing, I finished my He is 21, left a engineering degree and attempted to

I love my husband but how much can you take

replies: 3

i have tried speaking to friends but really need to get some support off others who can understand and relate to my situation hence why I am here. I am 99.9% sure my husband suffers from depression (although he wont see a professional to get an official diagnosis). His father passed away about 3 years ago and it has been a downward spiral since then. He always had a strained relationship with his dad so I think he has strong feelings of guilt following his death. He has been a pot smoker as well (although not as heavy these days) which I know does not help. At first it was subtle changes in his personality but it has now got to the point where he will sleep all day, he has disengaged from our friends and family and I am constantly making excuses as to why he has not joined in on things when he used to be so social which is difficult for me. He has also recently left his job. He will not go to a doctor about it and whilst I am trying my hardest to be supportive it is now starting to impact on my mental health. I am trying to keep myself heathy by still exercising and going to friends events on my own but it is lonely. I have had thoughts of walking away but I love him and just want him back to the man I married but how do I help someone who wont help themselves ???

Trying to be strong for my partner.

replies: 6

Hi, I’ve never done anything like this before but here goes. Reading some of these threads makes me feel that things could be much worse but here’s what’s going on anyway... my partner recently became depressed. We’ve been together for 10 years since we were 16 and he is my best friend in the entire world. He also has worked in mental health for 3 years and is amazing at what he does. Since about 5 weeks ago hes been unable to work due to his mental health and he hates himself for it because he says there are so many people that need him. He also tells me that he hates himself and has for awhile now. He lost his mum when he was 10 to cancer and his dad is as unemotionally available as they come. He began antidepressants 2 weeks ago and is seeing his GP weekly and a psychologist fortnightly. He has been trying everything he can but is so sad and numb all the time. I’m trying to be positive around him and treat him the same because he doesn’t want to be treated differently but things are so different, he’s so different and I feel like he’s not there. I feel guilty thinking about myself when he’s in so much pain but I feel sick every day because he’s so sad. I just want to take it away from him and I feel guilty all the time like I should have known this was coming. It breaks my heart that he hates himself. I feel guilty leaving him so I don’t want to make plans with friends. At the same time I want to have a break but feel so guilty.

Married to a man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

replies: 3

Hi! I've been married to my husband who is suffering from OCD for 16 years now. On our first few years together, his OCD wasn't as severe as it is now. There were signs, of course (like not wanting to touch money because it's dirty, frequent handwashing, etc.) but I did not realise that it was OCD back then. And now, it's become so full-blown, that an ALL-OR-NONE rule is in force in our house. It's taking over our family's quality of life. My kids did not get the chance to "explore" the world like other kids because my husband would not allow them back in the house without changing clothes and taking a shower, after they play outside. We barely have guests in the house, not because he doesnt want to, but because we have to literally "decontaminate" the entire house after they're gone, which is REALLY EXHAUSTING each time. Nothing that's purchased outside can be brought inside the house without being "processed/sterilized" (if it's something that's "washable", we have to wash it with detergent. If it's not washable, we put it in the microwave to get "sterilized"). The list goes on, and I don't see an end to this. It's taking a toll on our family, and of course to his health too! Because he spends hours and hours of cleaning and decontaminating, he often gets fatigued and sometimes sleep very late! I love my husband and my kids, and I strongly believe that this OCD is slowly killing him and our relationship!!!! I tried so many times to talk to him about this but he just dismiss it and says that it's too late for him to change! I don't know what to do, and any help will be much appreciated.

Husband suffers massive anxiety after job redundancy - need help to help him, please

replies: 3

Hi My husband was made redundant last Tues (4 days ago) and has slipped into a very dark but unfortunately familiar place for him. He is the sole bread winner in our family and has massive financial obligations. I am a stay at home mum with our 3 year old and do not work - nor am I of a qualified nature so can not earn enough money to cover child care so me working is not an option. He was given a good severence package which should last us 5-6 months (depending on good budgeting) He has suffered anxiety and bouts of depression in the past in 2009 he was made redundant and took till Aug 2013 to re enter the workforce. He thinks this will inevitably happen again. He is meant to go back to work for the month of November to fulfil his obligations but is now in bed shaking, sweating, panting and unable to get out of bed with the thought of having to go in tomorrow and face his peers and boss and appear 'in control'. He needs to go in and seek out any possible chance of applying for other positions in the organisation and to take part in an outplacement program. He has a team of 17 people and is a General Manager so has quite a presence at work. The redundancy seems targeted as well as he had 3 months away from work earlier this year due to a rare and sudden onset infection that required serious surgery. In the time he was away the co worker who filled in or him did quite a bad job and it appears that the only fault of my husband was to not fire him quickly enough once he was back on deck How can he regain his confidence to put himself out there again? I feel scared, anxious myself and hate telling lies to my 12 and 3 year old as to why daddy is in bed and am sick of hearing family say 'he'll be alright, he'll get another job easily, stop over reacting' - unless you live with someone who suffers from this you just can't imagine Any words of help, advice, would be so appreciated Lu1212

My adult son has been anxious, depressed and using drugs since 16 (he's 27) and won't seek help

replies: 9

My first post. Long story, my poor boy. He suffered through a bitter divorce and left my home at 25 to live with his dad. Hasn't worked for four years,won't sign on for unemployment benefits, had had drug dependence, is utterly resistant to seeking help. I waver between just accepting him and trying to help with food and transport to urging him and proposing medical help. Nothing seems to work. I try to encourage his dad to take action, but he is also isolated and despite his high income, chooses to live in a badly maintained, squalid house. I'm beyond frustrated at my sick son's refusal to trust me or his dad with his problems or seek help. Live tried urging his dad to try removing wifi access and negotiate some rules about earning the right to play computer games, but he won't. I've bought my son a car hoping he could earn by Uber driving but he can't won't get set up. I've paid for courses, encouraged, continue to call and cook meals, tried to intervene and got angry, backed off. My husband now suggests I just accept and stop trying to help. What should I do?

21 yr old son quit his job and lives in his room

replies: 4

I am looking for advice on how to help my son. Three months ago he quit his plumbing apprenticeship and stays in his room all day on his computer. I got him to come to the Dr who prescribed him antidepressants but he stopped taking these after three weeks as he said they didn't work. He doesn't want to see a psychologist and basically says he doesn't see the point of anything. I cannot talk him into just going outside and going for a walk. Any advice would be appreciated.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Husband with bipolar and recently identified Aspergers replies: 1

Helping a partner through depression but he has cut me off replies: 5

Thank you, carers! replies: 1

Is moving interstate going to help? or can we work things out here? replies: 4

I love my husband but how much can you take replies: 3

Trying to be strong for my partner. replies: 6

Married to a man with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder replies: 3

Husband suffers massive anxiety after job redundancy - need help to help him, please replies: 3

My adult son has been anxious, depressed and using drugs since 16 (he's 27) and won't seek help replies: 9

21 yr old son quit his job and lives in his room replies: 4