Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Bipolar husband... im torn what to do

replies: 5

Hi, this is my first time here, i have been through so much that i need someone to talk to. My husband (been together 20 years)has (finally) officially been diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive (more manic then bipolar) but it changes. He has type 2 diabetes, and bipolar AND does not take charge of his medication, he has a dr appointment for the 23rd Feb, and is notoriously a dr avoider. We have had troubles in the past 3 years as he has been mentally exhausting (oh and has a wonderful ice addiction which he has had for 20+ years - the dr recons its lasted due to the undiagnosed bipolar). He has seperated from me as i have changed (apparently), but he cannot see how much he doesnt do for himself, its like for the past however many years he has stopped wanting to live and gets me to do everything. (even has called me up to do stuff on excel at work for him). and im over it. But i love him, and when ever hes been manic (i guess) and things have been hard we always make it work.... but now im not so sure. we have 2 boys (7 and 5) and own our house. He always wants me to change. no back chat, do what he says when he says, be clean (he never helps) stop being negative (he can talk) any way he could go on and on with whats wrong with me. It is domestic abuse, i know and yet trapped. I ve know hes not well and the drugs are no help at all. so i just need to vent.. ive left for a month, but he was at our house and i was paying all the bills so i came home as i was struggling to live. Anyway he said i was ruining everything and we now sleep in seperate rooms. if things start to go all right the moment 1 thing doesnt go the way he expect its like the end of the world. im a useless human and he doesnt know why hes still there. i keep saying its the mental illness as the moment passes and hes ok , but has the memory of me thats now tarnished and its like its growing into hate. im so tired and stressed, i have panic attacks (now supressed but medications) but what to i do, do i stay / leave, my parents cannot cope with me being at home it caused them such anziety and stress. i have the boys to look after and he is a high functioning addict, so smart and can turn pretty much any situation to his advantage. Anyway, thanks for letting me let out the things ive been in. Oh apart from the occasional yelling he is good with the boys (although i am reluctant to leave them with his as he sleeps a lot due to not being medicated properly) AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Depressed alcoholic unwell mother

replies: 2

my mother has always been a drinker, during my younger years I didn’t notice it as much although from about 15 years old I stared to realise and understand the effects more. she would become angry, confussed and emotional it was somethjbg I just got use to. It would cause a lot of fights between her and my father as well as with myself and brother. Although the morning after was a total different story she would always be up early, productive at work, cooking cleaning etc like a “normal” mother. She would never be hung over or act as though anything had happened the previous night although as soon as it hit that 5 pm mark it would begin again. my Mum then got diagnosed with a blood cancer, it was a tough time for her and the family, she started treatment and things went well. Although it did come back, she then would continue trying different treatments some worked others didn’t, during these couple years her drinking did begin to get worse, as did her whole outlook on life. I know my mother is depressed, she is not suicidal although her entire outlook on life is not great. She has no positive thoughts, it’s constantly “I’m ugly”, I’ve got cancer, I’ve got no friends” and it’s as though no matter how good things are she cannot get herself out of the sad state, which ofcourse is why she is drinking so heavily. My dad along with other family members have tried countless times to talk to her about these issues and to get her help although if it’s in the morning she completely denies/ ignores them and usually just begins drinking again I still live at home although I do work full time , so I am coming home each evening to her usually smashed with no clue what’s going on, and I am getting to the point now that I can’t do it I can’t keep watching her like this. It’s also a constant worry when she’s alone as she does fall over quite a bit, she has injured herself a number of times from drinking, also after all her treatments she is quite frail and is prone to infection so even one small cut usually means an infection and antibiotics. I’m just at the point where I am so scared If I don’t do something now something bad will happen. Being 23 I do also have my own life, as mentioned I do work full time, and as selfish as it may sound in this situation I do want to be able to concentrate on me whether that be my love life, travel etc although when I think of that stuff my immediate thoughts are no you can’t you need to get you Mum better thanks

Is it too late?

replies: 5

I believe my partner (or ex) and mother of my children to have traits that resemble someone with high functioning BPD. She has kicked me out of the house and I have the children most of the time. I really care for her and want my family back together more than anything. I've removed myself from the situation because she refuses to work on our relationship but is still making demands and contacting me almost daily. If I don't reply the texts keep coming. Im awear we are both responsible for the relationship breakdown not an illness but I'm prepared to work through it and she refuses to believe my concerns. She wont let me back in the house and won't work on the relationship. I guess what I wanted to ask is it too late to change anything between us now I am out of the picture or try to help her work through what she is going through?

ex boyfriend broke up due to depression

replies: 22

My (ex) boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up with me about 2 months ago. Ever since november last yr, he has not been himself. He started medicine last yr and stressed about exams and broke down before his finals.He called me for support and I was there. I had noticed a big change since then in terms of his outlook on life. After he broke up, it made more sense. we were fine one minute but he'd get easily frustrated at things that we used to get over and not worry about. He'd get angry, even when I'm calm.I had gone through a rough patch last yr myself and was depressed so I know exactly how he must feel now. He told me once he was a bit depressed and he's living by the day. I tried to talk about it but he didn't want to, ever since he hasn't mentioned and just said he's fine with life and didn't seem unhappy. I initially believed the break up was actually us not being happy, but with time apart, it made me realise so much about how he has changed. He became distant and wanted space and missed me so much the other times. I saw him a month after the break up,I was finding it so difficult to accept the break up, I tried my best to be happy around him and show how comfy he is around me.He seemed to miss me so much and seemed so upset and not okay but denies it and acts so fine with others. He'd say things like he's not a good person, he will hurt me, he is damaged goods. It was scary for me to see him like that and I decided i should keep contact and check up instead of leaving him alone. I still wanted to be his gf and lacked the patience.He would say, you're expecting a relationship out of me, i can't give it and theres no chance for us again. i don't want to believe this because of the state he's in but hearing it hurts so much! He says when the time is right, he will find someone,he will have to live with the consequences if he made the wrong choice about us.I know we were only dating for 3 yrs but we were very serious and really set on future. Suddenly I'm not his future, I'm not the one, he can't make me happy and that i made him miserable. I do want to be there for him, make him come out of this well and show him I am always there for him and I am a fighter for the both of us when he can't.But he keeps pushing me away. Face to face he seems to struggle but online he is so fake. Should I believe all the things he says, will time help? I don't want to not contact him but I don't know if I'll be okay being there and knowing i'll never have him. Please advice

Understanding Aspergers

replies: 5

I have a 28 year old son that I believe has some kind of mental illness. As a child he was always difficult to deal with. Tantrums etc. He also had delayed speech, did not interact with others well (and still does not have a lot of friends)and slower in development although quite bright with some things. At the time I took him to a some different specialists but never with any clear diagnosis. A family friend is a psychologist and thinks that he may be on the spectrum of aspergers. After I separated from his father about 15 years ago my ex-husband (who I left because of similar behavior traits) was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been having ongoing treatment. My son appears to show signs of similar characteristics to his dad. What I am needing support with is to understand the way his mind may work (if it is aspergers) as I never seem to say the right thing and he is always quick tempered and this is also observed by his work colleagues. I really want to help him but I don,t know when or how to say the right thing. I do note that when he is really down he tends to communicate and ask advise but then he changes and I become the worst person in the world. At times I wont tolerate his behavior and I set my boundaries but this then follows with me feeling remorseful and desperate to help him. Just wondering if anyone has had a situation similar to mine and whether I should just back out of his life for a while but then I fell like I,m abandoning him. So confused as he only seems to see things in black and white and no in between and I have to think about everything I say to him.

It's International Women's Day: Why are most carers women? What does this mean for us?

replies: 7

Today is International Women's Day and to all the other women out there caring for a loved one with a mental health condition, I salute you. It's not easy, it's often thankless and, yet, it's vital to our families. Make no mistake, our contribution is also vital to the economy. In 2015 there were 2.7 million unpaid carers in Australia. The replacement value of the unpaid care provided in 2015 was a whopping $60.3 billion--over $1 billion per week. More than two thirds of primary carers were women. In return, our economic security is compromised making us more vulnerable. We receive less super and fewer opportunities for promotion, if we are lucky enough to manage work and caring. Given the foundation if inequity is economics, I think this says a lot about gender equality in Australia. Why do you do it? Do you worry about your future? Are there more important "returns" that you receive? Should we be trying to bring about change? Have you tried and been successful? What do the men in your life have to say about this? Do we have a voice that reflects our contribution? And, if we don't, how do we get it?

Bpd daughter 19. Mum had enough

replies: 9

My 19yo daughter has been arrested twice in 4 days. Just fin year 12. Disrespectful threatening hides wifi. I want to get off the roller coaster I can’t cope anymore. Told her she needs to move out and get a job. Feel I am enabling her. She needs to grow up get a job and take some responsibility for herself and her actions. She refuses help medication it’s all my fault argh who else lives with this horrible life

Friend with Anxiety, and wont ever stop reminding me.

replies: 1

By the title, I don't mean, he wont stop showing signs, I mean. He LITTERAL

My boyfriend is autistic and suffers from depression, feeling vulnerable as he needs time alone, need some advise

replies: 1

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. To give a little background. He was a backpacker and currently is living back in his home country and we have manage to survive 8 months apart and remain close talking everyday. When we started dating, I found he couldn't do certain normal things ,simple debates got very heated once he emotionally lost it and said some provoking things to me and slept in another room.He also suffers from anxiety so job hunting and meeting my friends was difficult. Eating out was a chore and with his autism, we can not go to busy noisy places.I had been a carer to my sister with mental illness so I am able to handle it but I am also aware of the long road down ahead. The last two days however has been the hardest when he announces he is depress and needs time alone. He has done this before but never a total shut down.He had come back from a boy's nights out drinking the night before and we had a political debate, one that I fear triggered something in him.The next morning as I said my usual good morning, his responses was short and emotionless. I knew something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and if he was upset from our debate. His response was that he was depress. I asked again if he was sure that I didn't upset him. He responded want to go again then? So I gave his space but I find the silence so hard to handle. I have read up notes on depression and how to deal with it and as much as I am trying to be patient and remain calm. My mind jumps to the worst conclusion, is he cheating , has he grown to hate me,and the worst thought is I want to break up. It becomes so choking and makes me depress and full of anxiety and I question myself why am I like this? and I think it's because it feels so familiar when I was my sister's carer.I don't think I have it in me to be patient, I feel I am entitled to feel selfish to not want him to be depress and think about how this effects me too.He has no plans, no support network, no safe place for the both of us. He doesn't want to seek help, he just wants to be in isolation till he is ready and for some reason I feel so selfish.I am scared that his depression will kill us and I must do what is right for me.It's only been 2 days but it's been hard as I have noone to have a honest conversation with. My friends and family has never understood when my sister was diagnosed even causing fights with me and I am too tired to do this again.Most of all I feel scared.

partner has really bad anxiety and I don't know how to help

replies: 2

My partner has really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to travelling and planes. I love travelling and really want to do it with him, he wants to as well because he knows it makes me happy but he is so anxious that deep down he knows he wont. He feels like I need to just leave him because he is pulling me down and not letting me do the travelling I want. I don't know how to help him feel less anxious. When he has gone on a trip with me and he sad and sick the whole time. What are somethings I can do to help him or what are some things he can do to help himself? Even if its not to help him want to travel but just to feel less anxious about everything. I dont have anxiety so I don't know what it feels like to help him Thank you

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Bipolar husband... im torn what to do replies: 5

Depressed alcoholic unwell mother replies: 2

Is it too late? replies: 5

ex boyfriend broke up due to depression replies: 22

Understanding Aspergers replies: 5

It's International Women's Day: Why are most carers women? What does this mean for us? replies: 7

Bpd daughter 19. Mum had enough replies: 9

Friend with Anxiety, and wont ever stop reminding me. replies: 1

My boyfriend is autistic and suffers from depression, feeling vulnerable as he needs time alone, need some advise replies: 1

partner has really bad anxiety and I don't know how to help replies: 2