Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 2

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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When is Caring or Rescuing crossing the line ?

replies: 13

I just wanted to start a discussion about this, if anyone would be interested in joining me? I feel that I have a `rescuer' personality, and I probably started as a child. There really are so many positives about helping, rescuing, and caring, but I think there's a line, and I feel I want to talk about how how not to cross it. Caring or rescuing, in my experiences, are healthy, and very natural behaviors for anyone with a bucket load of empathy. We don't care about `winning' as much as other people do, because if something or someone we care about wins, that's our win too. But something I've come to notice after some major betrayals in my life by people I cared about, is that caring can turn into abuse of my resources and love. Or alternatively, it can result in me robbing others of the opportunity to learn something for themselves, and develop self confidence. So those are the two main situations I'm interested in discussing..enabling, and disabling. ENABLING: I was slow to come to an understanding what enabling meant exactly. If you looked it up on the internet `back in the day' it was described as buying alcohol or drugs for an addict, or ringing in sick for them when they couldn't work. I couldn't relate to that, but I was flaming enabler since I was a child. I think what finally clicked for me about enabling, is you are enabling if you are paying for someone else's mistakes or bad decisions. You are enabling if you are protecting their denial about what they are doing. Its not always voluntary, as in the case of kids. Disabling is when you do too much for someone. I'm only half guilty, I'm more of an enabler than disabler, but can be both. It might start because they aren't trying hard enough, and so you compensate. But as the pattern continues, one person feels increasingly helpless, and the other overly burdened. But the real significance of disabling, I feel, is if you invest too much into someone, and they don't invest, they don't tend to value you for it. You might be thinking you will be appreciated, but in my experiences what normally happens is the other person feels painful feelings like guilt & incompetence, and they eventually devalue what you do. They think of it as not important, or that they are entitled to it. I believe its because guilt and feeling incompetent are not very nice feelings to live with. Anyone else feel like talking about their experiences with this, and what they regard as crossing the line?

Out of control

replies: 3

My son is 21 and suffers from Bipolar and addiction issues. We don’t know what else to do. He won’t take his medication and spends all his money on drugs and alcohol. He steals from us then takes off and returns once the money runs out. We eventually take him back in and he continues this cycle. He has no where to go his friends have abandoned him and he doesn’t work. He was an intelligent young man but now just sits and watches TV drinks and takes drugs. He won’t help out. We have tried being hard being supportive being soft he won’t obey boundaries he walks out of rehab when the going gets tough as a family we need assistance as we feel like we are on a treadmill and can’t can’t see away out. All our lives are on hold.

BPD husband

replies: 4

Hi, Does anyone else have a BPD husband who’s caused lots of discord in their family life? Looking for tips and hearing other people’s experiences.

Feel so helpless, husband in different state and depressed

replies: 3

Hi, so I’m new to this, let me start off with we had a big move in 2016 spent our life’s savings moving only to find my husbands job that we moved for fell through and we’re both without jobs for 4 months, he finally got the job but it was too late so we decided together that me and the kids would go back and live at his parents, we have now been apart for 7 months but in the last 2 weeks my husband has taken a turn for the worse, I hadn’t realised he was feeling the way he was and told me he couldn’t see colours anymore and everything was dark and grey and then said he was going to do everyone a favour!! Sending me into dispair so i booked a ticket and went to visit him, but he wasn’t the man he used to be he couldn’t look at me, touch me, talk to me or kiss me, he also told me i should nice back to England with the kids but knew this was a front to try and push me away, I told him I would never leave him and would always be here to support him... I stayed strong all weekend and the moment I couldn’t see him I broke down for 4 Hrs looking like a crazy woman on the flight!!! Scary thing is no one asked me if I was ok..... the worst part of it all is he won’t go and see a doctor and I can’t get him to go and see one, I can’t make him do the things he needs to from a different state, I know I need to give him time but being so far apart I don’t know what’s happening.... our kids are very young 18 months and 3 1/2 years but his shut everyone out and won’t talk to anyone, only me over txt rarely, he won’t answer my calls and ignores me, he managed to FaceTime the kids for 10 mins the other day... which I’m so thankful for as my son is starting to act out... I’m really starting to struggle with this... it seems like there’s no end in sight, I know he loves me and the kids but I really need him to come home so we can help him get thru this!!! I’m so lost without him!!!

BP daughter

replies: 2

Hi, my BP 1 daughter was in a clinic b4 Xmas & on meds, back at work and doing well. However her Dr told her that it is ok to have 1-2 drinks. I am sure he meant occasionally. Not saying alcohol is an issue with her, but as we know 2 easily turns into more & it affects meds efficiency etc. I could smell alcohol on her breath, didn't say anything but asked her does she stick to 2 drinks when out & she said yes & no side effects at all. I want to discuss my concerns with her but it's awkward. Do I just back off? This is so difficult, constantly worrying about her wellbeing & wanting her to stay well. I have accepted this BP isn't going to go away & she will need to manage for the rest of her life, but as a Mum it's consuming me. I haven't sought help yet for me, but intend to. Guess I am powerless over someone else's actions & just have to be there to pick up the pieces, which I fear and dread.

Mother of a 15 year old girl with anxiety

replies: 3

Hi, I’ve got a 15 year old and has been struggling with going to school in the mornings for about 3 years now. Have been to Headspace but not much help. i need a Phsyciatrist in Melbourne. can anyone one recommend please. Very desperate

BP exhausted

replies: 7

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. During that time she has had 4 manic BP episodes, typically 2 years apart, always starting in Spring. Although she was diagnosed sometime back with BP 1, she generally wont accept the diagnosis and believes she is "high functioning" and self medicates. Each episode last for 4 to 6 months, starts slowly then accelerates before the inevitable crash. I have educated myself on BP because I had no knowledge of it, needed to understand what I was getting myself into and to distinguish the illness from the actions. Even with all this knowledge I have to admit this time I'm stuffed, its been months again of reckless spending, brought a new car even though she had one already, refinanced the home loan redrawing 40k, buying stupid and ridiculous gumtree items, starting a million projects and not finishing one, wanting to party party all the time, and yes aggressive and nasty towards me because I am trying to stop her from making the same dumb decisions she always does. This is always the pattern unfortunately, and then it takes another year to undo all the stupid mistakes. She also is naturally very sexual, and during a manic episode becomes hyper sexual, contacts old boyfriends (just to catch up), recounts the same intense love stories of previous lovers over and over again like she is living it presently. They are always the same stories and same people. Although, she says she has never cheated there have been many instances where this probably occurred, and she will say things during a episode like, "I need to tell you something important, we need to have that talk", then within a blink of the eye changes tact to say we can have that talk another day. When eventually that "other day" arrives, generally post episode, she always claims she has memory lapses and cannot remember what she said or did. I am almost at the end of what I can tolerate, I have asked her to come to counselling but she refuses, I want to go to the DR with her but she will only go alone, she fluctuates between I love you, to days of constant harassment, arguing, if I have an opinion different to hers WW3 breaks out. thinks its funny to tell me how she slept with someone on the weekend only to laugh and think it was funny to see my reaction, because off course she didn't, and apparently I deserved to feel on edge because I haven't supported her enough. I'm so spun out at the moment, exhausted and left wondering.

Husband in Denial

replies: 5

My husband suffers from MI and has done (noticably) for a few years. I've asked on several occasions for him to seek help -not just for him, but to save our marriage as it's really reaching a point where its affecting me also. I've read through a few of the threads and found comfort in knowing that there are others in a similar situation to ourselves. Hubby is like Jeckyl and Hyde. I find it hard to change my mood as quick as he does, when one minute he's telling me he no longer wants to be around and the next, he's laughing at something on the tv or talking to a friend on the phone like nothing is wrong. Sometimes things get thrown around for no obvious reason. I obviously don't spot the triggers I guess? Although, he's never physically harmed me. But I'm really struggling to want to be around him, however he keeps saying that I'm the only one who cares and I'm his only friend. I feel a massive sense of guilt because I'm struggling so much to make him happy again and because I don't know what to do to fix things. He frequently donates significant sums of money to mental health charities, but refuses to get help himself, he posts on social media about looking out for signs of mental health issues, but fails to recognise his own and he doesn't see how not getting help is creating this massive turmoil in our marriage. What do I do? Do I walk away in the hope that he seeks assistance because he realises that I can't cope or do I stay, knowing that it is affecting my health and happiness but I can help keep him out of harming himself?? I feel so lost.

What do I do...

replies: 6

Hi everyone... I come here out of desperation and don’t know what to do... Long story short, my wife is denial of her regular mood swings and what happens when she gets angry... i know it’s a mistake on my end to react but I do, which amplifies the situation even further... I try so hard to control myself but more often than not, I end up reacting... I am only human so not perfect either... the doctor has diagnosed her with PCOS, so my understanding is that regular mood swings and irrational behaviour a result of this... problem is she is denial of what she does and what happens... she wont seek help... its affecting me so much to the level I don’t want to go home anymore... if I was to try tell her parents about this, I am sure she would say I am making stuff up to them and I can’t get anyone to genuinely help me to help her... I guess the reason I am here is because I still do love her... and genuinely want to get her through this or some sort of help or manage it... I am accused of trying to attack her if I want to help... i have tried so many times to try genuinely say we need a solution to fix this but it falls on deaf ears... i think what amplifies the situation is when I react... I try so hard but can’t put up with the irrationality... i explain things rationally and she will ignore it and harp on about something else, which makes me fume even more... some examples of the behaviour: 1. Wants my attention all the time. If she doesn’t get it, mood swing... 2. If I am tired, doesn’t understand it all... gets moody. Slams doors or storms off. When asked about it, either denies it happend or justifies it that I should be more excited or energetic... 3. She will fight to death about stupid things like 1 plus 3 is 5 (metaphor for how something with a single rational answer can’t be anything else...). 4. Can have so many emotions or swings within a short time. 5. Just picks random fights, e.g had a doctors appointment set by the doctor then yells at me we have to go to the doctor on my timetable... I have to go now but will provide some more details soon... in the meantime... any suggestions for help...?

Contacting a family member or friend when you’re down

replies: 2

Hello all, I have been encouraged to talk to family and friends more whenever I feel down and depressed, however, I am noticing some trends. I invite you to add to this discussion about what you have experienced from those who know and do not know about mental health. I find that some friends do the ‘me too’ idea a little too much. Eg. “yeah that’s like the time where this happened to me, that seems similar but actually isn’t and I just missed the point”. This leaves me feeling like I am over reacting and not managing my sadness ‘normally’. What’s worse is that after saying this, they often either avoid talking about the strategies they took to overcome it or just mention the whole ‘time heals’ thing. I think the biggest issue here is that yes they have had hard times, but they haven’t gone through depression/the feeling incredibly sad for no reason thing. The next one is my parents. They are ‘fix it’ people. If I tell them I am feeling down, they jump to the ‘why’ and ‘here is the solution’. Having grown up with lots of neglect, all I am after is consolation and support, a hug, or just acceptance that crying is okay. When I was little, my parents always thought I was putting on the ‘water works’, as a result, a state of crying is always a T intersection of either ‘get over it’ or ‘solve it’. Was the suggestion of contacting someone close to you not a good one? Has anyone tried this to find it worked?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 2

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

When is Caring or Rescuing crossing the line ? replies: 13

Out of control replies: 3

BPD husband replies: 4

Feel so helpless, husband in different state and depressed replies: 3

BP daughter replies: 2

Mother of a 15 year old girl with anxiety replies: 3

BP exhausted replies: 7

Husband in Denial replies: 5

What do I do... replies: 6

Contacting a family member or friend when you’re down replies: 2