As a carer, can you tell your partner how you're feeling?

[Rockpool]

Hi all

I've posted a couple times here as my partner has depression and is working his way through. I can see how hard he's trying to feel better, he's seeing a psychologist, GPs and we're exercising regularly. He's tackling this head on. He's appreciative of my support and care and I'm thankful for that. I do find though that in order to make things easier for him, to not stress him or make him feel guilty, i have to act like I'm totally fine and that this is not affecting me at all. Truthfully i feel stressed, exhausted and worn out. Along with this situation, we have recently moved cities, I've started a new job (so has he), and I'm still dealing with the death of an immediate family member. This is also compounded by the fact that he needs a lot of space and our current appartement is so small, so I'm mostly living in hotels. I'm so aware that i need to be settled and to feel good to be able to support him, so currently l'm currently looking for a bigger place to live, which is adding to my stress levels.

I feel like i can see small improvements in him everyday, so i feel if I'm honest with him about how stressed i am it will set him back. I have support from my parents (they're the only ones who know what's happening, his family don't know) but they don't live where i do. As I'm not had the opportunity to settle in, I've not met a lot of people here. Anyone else in this situation have thoughts about how to express or if i even can be honest about how hard I'm finding things? I mean, he is the one person who i should (and normally would) be able to be honest too.

Xx

[blondguy]

Hello Rockpool and a Warm Welcome to the BB Forums and thankyou for posting too

My name is Paul and I am sorry that you have found yourself in a situation where you find you are compromising your partners' health by feeling you cant communicate your feelings. I have had depression for many years and I have always appreciated to know what my partner thoughts while she was caring for me.

I understand the pain your partner is going through, however it may benefit him to know how you are coping with his depression and his symptoms. Even with suffering depression its still a two way street so to speak...

My partner told me very firmly that she was having coping and that actually provided me with the motivation to book in more often with my legend Gp and my therapist for the help I really needed.

I am sorry about the passing of a family member Rockpool. That actually is and should be a priority for you and your healing...as well as being a great carer for your partner.

Even with depression your partner has to accept reality. He is still ultimately responsible for his healing, sure you are a devoted and kind hearted carer but its shouldnt be at your own expense Rockpool.

Your health and well being is paramount...all other considerations are secondary...with all due respect to your partner and his depression of course. Your partner is pro-active and well done to him, and you both have new jobs too! You seem to have a lot on your plate Rockpool..I hope your partner can help himself heal by letting his parents know....Its the same as a physical injury.....a virus....an infection...a broken limb...

You are an intelligent and kind hearted partner Rockpool....Be kind to yourself and let your partner know how you are feeling...

I hope you can post back and let us know how you are going

My Kindest thoughts for both of you 🙂

Paul xx

[Rockpool]

Dear Paul

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, i appreciate this so much. In fact i even shed a tear in relief that you understood my situation. I also appreciate that your experience is from "the otherside". This helped me see things from my partner's point of view.

I felt guilty writing that post, as if i was betraying my partner's need for and trust in my ability to remain strong and unflinching in this, but you showed me it's ok to look after myself and be honest. A reminder that in fact I'm not a machine, I'm human after all.

Thank you again!

[blondguy]

Dear Rockpool

I have only been on the forums since mid January after being made redundant as a senior manager...I was nervous and awkward posting. Even after posting just before I felt like I was being judgemental, I hope I didnt come across that way. My GF at the time really did 'tell me' how she felt and within 48 hours I had another appointment with my counsellor and Gp to get a 'tune up' 🙂

As a guy with depression and anxiety under management I think you are doing so very very well and congrats to you too!

Please be kind to yourself Rock xx

Paul (Vic)