Anxiety and parenting the pre-teen

[es030609]

I'm new to the forum world but have suffered depression and anxiety for many years. I'm 31, married and have 3 gorgeous daughters. I'm glad I've found this site.It appears I'm seriously struggling with my anxiety with our eldest about to start high school. Walking home, social media, applying herself at school, rebelling. I'm constantly worrying. I was a bit naughty for my parents so that's definitely adding fuel to the fire.although she has a friend to walk with, I worry her mother is too laid back and let's them do 'normal' things I wouldn't necessarily let them do or have strict rules regarding. I know I have to loosen the chain but how do I do this with anxiety without restricting my daughter on learning and growing?!i think I need to see someone professionally but don't want to go to that extreme yet. Can anyone please provide me suggestions or remedies of overcoming this anxiety associated with pre- teens? Please! Thank you  

[ci]

Hi es030609 I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I'm here to say you not alone. My son starts high school this year as well. I can definitely relate to this I  had anxiety issues for years and recently diagnosed  with ocd so loosening the chain as you put it feels impossible. He's great kid don't want him to feel don't trust him and don't want others to make fun of him cause mum won't let him do things but want to keep him safe.

I never agreed  with kids having phones but we have purchased one so he can call if needs or we can find him if we need. 

Good luck with your daughter starting I'm sure it won't be as bad as we are imagining. 

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I am a 22 year old female, and it has been a bit over five years since I left high school. It's great that you're quite a young Mum and have a husband to support you. I can understand why you would be a bit nervous, as this is an important transition for your daughter. If you have a close and trusting relationship with her, then this is a great start. Walking to and from school is positive, as your daughter will get to spend time with her friend while getting fresh air and exercise.

Seeing a health professional about your anxiety is definitely not "going to the extreme" 🙂 Many more people than you'd realise see psychologists or counsellors. I really recommend you see your GP about a referral, in order to help manage your anxiety. This is likely to improve your emotional wellbeing and mental health.

Talk to your daughter about social media safety. Try to do so when you are both relaxed and in a good mood, and keep it positive. Most schools now educate students about social media too. My parents had two completely different high school kids. I was very shy and self-conscious, and struggled with anxiety throughout my teen years. I have also always been a non-drinker out of choice. My younger sister was more outgoing, and started drinking at around 15 and went out very regularly in her later teen years (especially since finishing high school). She is really smart and doesn't ever take drugs, so that is a major comfort.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to be a positive role model and ensure she knows you are always there to talk to if something is bothering her.

Good luck with this transition for your daughter 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[es030609]

Thank you SM. I have a referral to a psychologist which I will utilise tomorrow. Also I just had a chat with my husband. 

We are lucky that #1 is mature, smart and has a level head. 

I suppose I worry more too because I was that rebellious teen. We are honest with our girls and teach them well about social media, right & wrong so hopefully this will work in our favour.

thank you again

[es030609]

Hi ci

thank you. We also bought our daughter a phone for high school. She has Instagram but only after I attended a parent cyber safety meeting with local police.

she is our smart one and is aware of my anxiety, dangers and generally applies common sense.

im worried about influences. I have to trust her. Hopefully me attending a professional visit will help ease the anxiety. 

Good luck to you also

[Zeal]

Hi again es,

You are very welcome. I'm glad you are seeing a psychologist - good on you! It is fantastic that your daughter is mature and smart. That will help so much during her teens, and also shows that you have been caring and supportive parents 🙂 I think your girls have had a nurturing upbringing, and this will certainly help them in their future.

Best wishes,

SM

[Mares73]

Hi Es you might like to read my thread under the "Depression" forum, called something like "how do I get my children not to resent my depression" & another called " I'm back-latest chapter in world of turmoil".

i have a 16yr old daughter & 11yr old son. Given I grew up in an extremely abusive family I remember holding my daughter the day she was born & promising her unconditional love & that I'd raise her to be confident in herself.

she dresses nicely, loves debating issues, is mature for her years & going to a girls schol doesn't yet add the complication of boys.

Btut in saying all that I do let her go where she wants as long as she texts me she's safe. And a few weeks ago she told me she was staying at a friends house as they will let her drink. I thought about it hard & realised I'm lucky she's honest with me. So I took the girls to the bottle shop &?explained the ones made like a soft drink aimed at young girls which affect you quickly as so easy to drink.I also explained the horrible feeling of being "out of control" when your not in a safe environment. I then said as a one off I would get her some drinks. I kept check on them most of the night.

in the morning my daughters friends were fine, they said they just wanted to taste it but my daughter drank a spirit straight from the bottle & was sick & crying. I held her, got her lots of water, made her food & a bath & then she cred saying how lucky she was to have me as a mum. I gently told her young people generally drink to get drunk & what if she got into situations she couldn't control or was pressured. It was a big wake up call for her but I too was taking a risk. 

I strongly believe staying close to your daughters & being active in their lives to be crucial. Then if one is upset you may know why because you are up to date with their friendships. At this age friendships btw peers are a big deal.

The tighter you hold her back-the more she will rebel. I think expectations such as knowing where& with whom she is going out is necessary for you to know. You can also set a deadline & ask your daughter to call or text you when she arrives.She's at an age she thinks she knows everything but we know she doesn't. 

I'm very thankful for the open trusting relationship I have with my daughter. She's  knows  the boundaries so we rarely need to remind her. Hanging out in shopping centres, going to a cafe etc are about developing autonomy. The issue for you is safety.

Im sure your doing a great job

Mares

[es030609]

Thank you Mares. I hope I can have as good a relationship with my girls as you seem to.

i am very open with the girls in the hope that they are with me. I'm concerned though cos where I thought we were close, she didn't tell me when she first got her period. ( people assure me it's simply cos I prepared her so well).

i am slowly letting her do more with the expectation that she keeps in touch, even if it's at my expense. I don't want to not let her do things. I let her walk home with her friend the other day for the first time which was massive. It was only 200-300 mtrs. 

I can guide my girls but I just need someone to guide me for a little bit.

i hope I can have a relationship with my girls the way you do. well done & thanks again

[es030609]

Thanks SM

 I can guide them. I just need someone to guide me 🙂

[Mares73]

Dear Es I was wondering whether you get anxious about other things as much as your anxiety about your daughter?

Sorry I can't recall whether you have seen anyone about your anxiety such as GP, Psychiatrist and/or Psychologist? If you havnt I would strongly recommend that you do. Things like medication, talking through issues with a therapist etc can really make a difference re your anxiety.

The main question is whether you have high levels of anxiety about other issues apart from your daughter? I've found early teenage girls to be very affected by fitting into a social group, questioning their individuality& generally having a bit of a crisis around this age. I've learnt to acknowledge that my daughter is growing towards being an independent thinker who wants to try & set her own boundaries. And as long as my daughter is safe, everything else follows.

You sound like a very caring mother who wants to protect her daughter. That's admirable. I guess the issue is getting the right balance between encouraging her to grow & learn from her mistakes versus ensuring she is safe & protected.

I can relate as I used to worry about anything my daughter did. I had to learn to let go of holding her too tightly & allow her to gain some independence & learn from her mistakes. This way she will learn how to cope & manage difficult issues & strengthen her ability to make responsible decisions.

I appreciate its hard as a parent to get the balance right -however you are trying your best & obviously deeply love your daughters

I've learnt to acknowledge that my daughter is growing towards being an independent thinker who wants to try & set her own boundaries. And as long as my daughter is safe, everything else follows. My daughters moods are swinging like mad at the moment which I know are due to hormonal issues. At the end of the day as long as my daughter is safe & not engaging in activities that are potentially harmful-that I need to loosen the boundaries a bit. You sound like a very caring mother who wants to protect her daughter. That's normal & admirable

My daughter stopped complaining when I took her for coffee & explained my thoughts & my responsibilities as a parent. Never underestimate your daughters ability to pick up on your concerns etc. 

You are doing an amazing job as a mother. It's not an easy job by no means. And you demonstrate such deep love for your daughters. You should be proud.

Mares X