All I want to be is Happy

lilley · ‎05-07-2016

I feel as though a can't breath , all I want is for it to stop,I can see hope, I can see happiness, I can see a future , my life is half over but I can still find joy. I can't see life through his eyes his darkness his sadness,his pain. Am I selfish , I try and try but his constant misery,his spiral of destruction,his words of death. I really pray sometimes that I will die first just so he can be alone and see that I was a person once truly alive but not noticed or appreciated . My feelings matter ,I am just as vulnerable to the world as you, ,I can't see the world as you ,I don't want to die like you do, you know you are depressed ,you know you are able to get help .But you make me want to die the one who is suppose to love and support me ,your moments of hope and joy and love then just complete blackness. I just want to end it, but I know there is hope I know there is joy in life , I can find joy in small things but you only bring me false hope .I think all is getting better and then it just crumbles again. life has been hard together but I am not sure I will survive.It is not your fault but then what is it when you refuse to get help or even try, who's fault is that. I don't know the answers all I know is the pain I feel every day and the fight to not give up and push though my thoughts of hopelessness. To try so hard to only hear your words of darkness . I cannot survive in this world ,but I am not one to walk away. I only see my self-destruction

geoff · ‎06-07-2016

dear Lilley, how sorry I feel for you and the restof your family, it must be a real struggle, so I can hear your pain, I can see your pain, and I know what pain your are going through, come here and rest your head into my shoulder and let out the tears you have stored up inside you, while I can gather my thoughts for a moment or two, can you do this for me. Thanks Geoff. xx

Carmela · ‎06-07-2016

Hi Lilley, l am so sorry you are feeling so much pain with life. I have read some of your previous posts, and it seems you are not getting any respite from your pain and sadness. Are you speaking to someone like a counsellor or psychologist Lilley? Taking on other family members mental illness takes its toll, and it’s important to seek professional help when life becomes just too much. You deserve support as well, so don’t forget about your mental health needs.

Based on your previous posts, rather than reiterating what has already been said, l would like to talk a little about the title of this post – ‘All I want to be is happy’. Caring for loved ones with mental illness, I find we can automatically go into rescue mode. It is in the many attempts to rescue; we become depleted of energy, our joy of life is diminished and hopelessness sets in, as we witness one failed attempt after another. The hardest part I find in supporting someone is realising and accepting that it's not about you. We can love them and be there, but it is ultimately their responsibility. We also cannot control their depression nor the outcome, but we can control one thing, and that is how we react and feel. The biggest blessing you can give yourself Lilley is happiness as this starts and ends with you. Find things, activities, etc. that bring you joy, to shift your mindset gently but gradually to where it needs to be. You don't have to make huge changes initially. The baby steps are good and will eventually lead to big changes. Make time for you and don't sweat the small stuff like house duties etc. They will get done, but you need self-care time first.

Can l leave you with - life serves out the hard stuff, but it is our job to dive in with all the love and passion that we can conjure up to live abundantly in health, happiness and love. These you can control as it's your life and no one else. Make no excuses and be your main priority now, without guilt and do things that nourish your spirit. You may find that you are more able to give and cope with your home situation better when you fill yourself up first with goodness and self-love.

Blessing to you Lilley.

Carmela x

lilley · ‎06-07-2016

Thankyou for your kind words and listening to my pain.

lilley · ‎06-07-2016

Thankyou it's hard not being able to help them, just being able to release my feelings and knowing I'm not alone gives me strength.

geoff · ‎07-07-2016

dear Lilley, Carmela has given you a lovely reply to try and start the repair which you are desperately trying to find through this very dark wilderness which you are struggling with.
Darkness creates darkness and what you used to find as happiness no longer feels that way, but with your husband to try and tell him that he will find joy and love once again, is something that confuses him and he feels as though he has been misunderstood, no matter how much effort you are putting into helping him, but it's not that easy because he won't seek any help, so everything that you say to him is just bounced back to you.
You go to bed exhausted with so much sadness in you and hope that you fall asleep quickly, hopefully you do, but then wake up and so this terrible day continues, hoping there will be a crack somewhere where he can see some light.
People who see life so dark and down the black hole so deep can't understand what depression actually means, but it's an intense pain that can't be idendified in any part of the body, because their leg or stomach doesn't hurt because then we would know where the pain is coming from, but with depression where does negativity come from.
Lilley you need to walk away for an hour or so and what about seeing a psychologist yourself, because you need the care and reassurance for all you are tryng to accomplish, it's such an enormous, exhausting and very repetitive effort you are putting into this very difficult situation.
As Carmela has said 'fill yourself up with goodness and self love' so that you feel better to cope in this situation.
We hope that you can keep this post open and come back to us. L Geoff. x

Carmela · ‎07-07-2016

We are always here for you Lilley and yes, you are not alone. Please take care of yourself. Carmela x

blondguy · ‎10-07-2016

Dear Lilley

Im Paul and have just read your post.

Geoff and Carmela have really said so very much, not just words either..but heartfelt help for you Lilley

Im sorry that I am late in responding. My heart is also with you....If you wish to shed some pain please let me take some..I can absorb it...no problem at all...

(Hug) if thats okay. Paulx