Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.

Redhuta · ‎10-05-2018

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Redhuta · ‎09-06-2019

Well its been quite some time since I have been here. II hope everyone is doing well but I also thought I would give a quick update.

My husband and I have been together now for 1 year after the separation. There is a lot more communication however there are still issues as per any normal couple however we are both aware on how to communicate which is key. My husband is going to see a physiatrist which he has never done before. it was during a session that we went to with a child physiatrist as my younger daughter has mild anxiety, and this doctor suggested he also see one after asking him questions about his childhood.I hope that his medication is changed as he has no sex drive and this is the hardest part and he agrees so I know he wants to change this too. I have been trying to find threads where people have found success in this area as I know it cause a huge hole in our relationship. Its so sad as he was not like this and although its not like we were ever rabbits so to speak I really miss my old husband.

quirkywords · ‎10-06-2019

Redhuta,

Thanks so much for your update.

There are threads about me not having a sex drive fore different reasons.

For me, when I was manic I was hypersexual and then when I was on medication I did lose any desire but I realised all my adult life I had been either high or low and never knew what my drive was. I know everyone is different. It took me a while to work it out. I think for some men it is different as there is a lot of pressure on them to perform in many ways . I know where men have after a vasectomy have lots of trouble talking about what has happened to their bodies.

I hope the medication can be worked out and your husband has a chance to talk freely about how he feels.

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎10-11-2019

Hi All,

I thought I would drop in and also gather some advice if possible?

Firstly we have moved into a bigger place and we also got a puppy which has been such a positive effect on everyone especially the kids. He has been a welcome addition and he is especially helping my youngest with her anxiety.

My husband and I are doing well as parents and all is fine in that front. He started seeing a physiatrist who in fact has diagnosed him with anxiety rather than depression and is in the process of changing meds. I am so grateful this time he is in the hands of a specialist than a GP from a medical centre that he constantly changes.

This has also brought other issue that maybe I have put on the back burner and I suppose I too find very hard to deal with so I have always found activities/or ways to fill the voids. The main one is intimacy and affection. As the years have gone on any sort of affection is not directed to me but rather my daughters. When they were young to be honest it seemed natural but as they have gotten older I always just thought it would one day be directed to me. I have mentioned this previously and he makes an attempt for a few weeks and then its long forgotten with the pressures of life/work etc. My 16 year old is now aware and has asked me why her father never shows affection? I suppose I have always just thought it would change ( optimism is my second name) yet it does not. I wait with any appointment he has with his psychiatrist that some new revelation or the start of a new med would bring his emotions towards me back but I am always left waiting. Last week after an appointment he told me that he discussed why he is unable to show me emotion ( or any other partner) however he finds it so easy to do so to his daughters. I don’t know why but it was that admission that was like a knife straight through my heart. I felt like something inside me died. I have been to see my counsellor who thinks I am grieving and that I need to now make some plans to look after my self and my emotional health. I think its the realisation that my life moving forward now is a life without intimacy.and the only way I could get the intimacy I need is to leave him or to have an affair. Just feel exasperated and hurt 😔

quirkywords · ‎11-11-2019

Redhuta,

Thanks for your latest feedback.

I can feel the sadness in you writing when you have worked so hard, for so long and yet feel so exasperated and hurt.

The topic of lack of intimacy in relations has been discussed a lot on the forums but every case is poignant and different. It is lovely your husband is affectionate to his daughters but that must be so painful when he can not show you any affection.

I have been both sides of the coin, the one who couldn't give any intimacy and affection and the one who craved it but was not given it. That was with 2 different people and it is so difficult on either side but until I was the one with someone not able to show me affection I realised how your self esteem is not existant.

I have no words of wisdom but you have put so much effort into this relationship, I suppose are you wondering is there any more energy to try again, left?

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎12-11-2019

Thanks Quirkywords.

The counsellor I have been speaking to did say I am grieving so I am very withdrawn and just very sad.

I am in the process of putting in place a way of me just moving forward removing myself from being his “carer” which is exhausting. I think focusing on myself now is important so it will be a wake up call when I am no longer alway making sure he is ok emotionally. Thank goodness I work and have a lot of friends therefore its time to put myself number 1 again. Our daughters are older now too so much easier than when they were little,

quirkywords · ‎13-11-2019

Redhuta,

Thanks for you reply. I wrote a long reply yesterday but my computer decided to freeze and I lost it.

Somwill keep this short.

I am glad have friends and support and can look after yourself and make you a priority .

You have been through a lot over the year or two .

I have mentioned before that your posts give hope and a a realistic outlook to people in a similar situation.

You know there is support here and I am always interested in hearing how your life is going.

Quirky

Redhuta · ‎19-09-2021

Hi All,
Well, I am back, and unfortunately, my husband seems to believe that his anxiety is too high, and he should move out again. However, this has come out ou to the blue today. My daughter found some dating apps on his phone, and he told me he was planning on leaving after my eldest finished her HSC. He was contacted by a woman he met on a dating app years ago and chatting online. He seems to think it's not cheating, but I feel it is, and I have said I would move out because I think he needs to have the time with his daughters, and I need to go and, this time, look after myself. I am exhausted, sad, but surprisingly calm? We are in Sydney, and the lockdown has been challenging; however, he does not express his anxiety. He has not seen his psychiatrist for over six months, and he was doing so well, but it feels he has given up. Our relationship, I thought, had been fine. WE do not have sex, which is mainly something we have just slipped into due to his lack of desire and my going through menopause and probably giving up as the rejection hurts so much.

I cannot move out till after lockdown, and the thought of having to separate again is so sad, but I know this would be it. I just cannot come back. I have asked him to see his psychiatrist and see our marriage counsellor set him up emotionally to deal with our daughters. Financially it makes more sense to me to move in with family than for him to rent another place.

He said the woman he speaks to was going through marriage problems, so they bonded over that, but he has never actually met her? I find this strange, but apparently, she is now separated.
He said he had been very stressed with our daughter, arguing that I am the disciplinarian in this family?
I am so tired

quirkywords · ‎20-09-2021

Hi redhuta,

Thanks for keeping us up to date but am sorry the news is so sad.

I know through your posts over a couple of years that you have tried so hard to make your marriage work.
Do you think he may change his mind as he just announced it.? Is he depressed.?

I can feel your exhaustion through your words.

It does seem sad for me as an outsider knowing how hard you have all worked over the years.

Will he go to the marriage counsellor with you.?

Is the main reason he wants to leave because of this woman he met online?

It is good to hear from you andI can’t believe it has been 22 months since I posted here. My life has changed a lot too.

Did covid affect your relationship at all?

Are you still getting support and how is your health.

I am asking question so I can learn more, just swear what you can ?

Redhuta · ‎20-09-2021

He said the woman he speaks to was going through marriage problems, so they bonded over that, but he has never actually met her? Apparently, she is now separated. According to him, she reached out about six months ago to see how our relationship was going? He said their relationship is plutonic, and they discuss various things, and he has confided in her the issues in our intimacy?
He said he had been very stressed with our daughter, arguing that I am the disciplinarian in this family? Covid has intensified everything with all at home!
I asked if he felt it was betrayal discussing my personal life with her, and he said no. I explained that I did not feel that way and that it was very upsetting to me. He is a very private person and does not talk to many people. He said he had never heard this woman's voice? I am probably not so trusting and feel no woman would be talking to a married man online about his problems if there was not something there for her? He then told me it's also boredom and told me he has been watching porn at night too? I was happy about the porn, which surprised me as he has no desire to have sex any more, but I saw it as a positive so that he still actually thinks about sex.
We talked a lot last night, and I was so upset; and I think he was surprised and said he wanted to see the psychiatrist. I said I believe discussing our issues should be done with a medical professional, not a stranger he met three years ago on a dating site.
First thing this morning, he asked me not to make plans to leave till he had had time to speak to the physicalist. I said that was fine. He made the appointment and an appointment with the GP to get the referral. I also made a couples therapy appointment for tomorrow. I left my company last October and thought I was going into a dream job. It turned into a nightmare with the most toxic environment. My husband was so supportive, and I was so upset he told me to quit which I did.I then returned to my previous company in a different role and I have been so happy.
Up until yesterday, I did not know my husband was feeling extremely anxious. He said it started about three months ago, so I am sure the lockdown has not helped. His psychiatrist did not work for a few months, so maybe that also contributed? He tries to protect me from it and then its almost like he explodes? He tells me he knows how unhappy I am which is not reality? I know its the anxiety and this is where we are now.

Redhuta · ‎22-09-2021

Another quick update we returned to couples therapy and it was once again insightful. I am learning more and more about the physical and emotional effect anxiety has caused my husband. I find it takes therapy for us to communicate openly and effectively. I think my husband also is understanding how I interpret his actions which I appreciate.