Adult son with ADHD/anxiety/depression/substance abuse

[cancerianmoon]

Thank you for sharing your story JPH68 as mine is very similar. My son is 27 and has recently come to live with me away from the city in a largish regional coastal town. The hope was that he would cope better with the slower pace which would help him get his life back on track. In reality I'm at my wits end. Diagnosed with ADHD at 7, leaving school in Year 10, he has worked as a chef ever since, struggled to make/keep friends, he gets jobs easily but can't keep them. He has a heart the size of this country, is super sensitive. He is estranged from his only sibling and so I'm his only support. Over the past 8 years or so he has lost 4-5 friends to suicide. Until recently he refused to have any type of therapy which he had a lot of as a child until he refused. He has recently started seeing a counsellor irregularly which I don't believe is enough. He is on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. He self medicates with anti-depressants and/or alcohol. I'm constantly shadowing him and at times feel as though I'm on suicide watch. Last week I called the Acute Care Team as he told me he recently attempted suicide. He has also told me he thinks about death daily and has done for years, even the methods he would or would not use. He was given an appointment by the ACT however the day before this he refused to go, so I cancelled. He then said he was in a mood and would like the appointment after all. I have told him he needs to make this call himself. His father and I divorced 20 years ago and don't really get on however he came here for the past few days after I made an emergency call. I'm not sure my son wants to get better, admitting he is running away from himself and even though he says he hates the person he is. I've tried encouraging him to do the things he loves e.g. fishing however I know getting motivated is a struggle as he is in such a dark place. There are times when I tell myself to just become resigned to the fact he will probably not make it to 30. He's an adult but I feel the need to mother him like a child. He wants his own apartment however I worry this would be a disaster for many reasons I won't go into. He does not drive and knows no one here. I work full time. He shuns the idea of medication, because he says 2 friends died after stopping their own meds, yet he takes other medication which terrifies me and turns him into a zombie. I just don't know what else to do.

[Guest_128]

Hi Cancer,

Really happy you got some sleep and it's settled down for you.

Sounds like the support system is trying hard for you and your son.

Its a beautiful day,try and get outside,maybe take the dogs and your sons to a park for different scenery?

thinking of you

Dory

[cancerianmoon]

I keep dwelling on why the silence from my siblings. I know it's not healthy and I should focus on something that is happening but it keeps rearing it's ugly head....I opened up to them a few weeks ago about my son and since the initial phone call from 2 of them, nothing... I know if the situation were reversed I'd be checking regularly. I guess I need to remind myself that one sibling has kept in touch. Her own life has been rocked by similar issues... maybe the other two have been fortunate enough to enjoy great mental health for themselves and families. My son's only sibling struggles to understand what's going on here and appears stuck in the old mindset of "just get over it....." He tells his brother what he should do, failing to understand that it's not that simple. I've suggested he just ask the question "How are you doing....?" and LISTEN, because we don't have answers and because often it's helpful to simply feel HEARD; that someone else cares enough to ask the question. I guess after years of my sons being estranged, it's promising they're in contact again because of this situation. So, from this post I will take 2 positives; I have a sister who is checking up on us and that my 2 sons are attempting to rebuild their relationship. The sun is shining and the breeze is warm....Hope springs.....

[White_Rose]

Hello Cancer

It's so good Dory is able to answer your posts more quickly than me. I feel quite guilty not being here for you. Still, you do know we care and can talk to each other.

Siblings can be so blind to each other. The saying, "You can choose your friends but not your family" is so often true but there is also that familial tie that keeps a family together. The sister with similar difficulties knows how hard it is for you, both managing your son and keeping in contact with your sisters. Is it worth one more phone call to bring them up to date? Can you ask them to phone reasonably frequently because you need the comfort of knowing they care.

I'm not sure if they can anything in a practical sense unless you need a refuge, but a sisterly voice once or twice a week would help you immensely. We all battle our various problems. What makes it bearable is knowing someone cares about you and is willing to sit and listen. Perhaps you can tell them that. They may believe you will want them to care for your son at some time.

Does your other son understand what is happening to his brother? If not it would be good to sit down and explain it from the beginning. It's good they are trying to build their relationship again. I take it your other son does not live you.

The sun is shining a little in Brisbane and it's a reasonable temperature, 24C I believe. Hope does indeed spring eternal. Keep hold of that thought.

Mary

[BlueSkyDreams]

Hi Cancerianmoon,

sorry to hear that things are tough for you and your son. Drug and alcohol problems can be so complicated and mixed up with other mental health issues...

Not sure what state you're in but there's a few good websites and services in Victoria you can get info and support from - the support is pretty useful even if you live in another state.

have a look at www.thefirst stop.org.au or www.fds.org.au which I found helpful.

take care,

Blue sky

[Guest_128]

Hi Cancer hope you have been able to get some rest.

Dory😘

[White_Rose]

Hello CC

Haven't heard from you for a few days, is all well with you? I would love to know what is happening for you.

Mary

[cancerianmoon]

I'm on (stress) leave this week. I went to my GP last week and he increased the dose of my ADs. The worry about my son has impacted badly on my own health. I've had a few therapy sessions and scored very high on the depression scale, not so high on stress and anxiety. I seem to be back where I was a few years ago to be honest and don't like it much. I have 2 more therapy sessions this week. I'm trying to motivate myself to get out and about but don't have anyone to do stuff with. Can't get excited about going on a holiday, ditto same reason as getting out and about. I was really struggling to stay focussed at work so made the decision to have a week off. Boss wasn't exactly thrilled but what can you do? I do feel more relaxed at home than I would if I was at work, just terribly unmotivated and flat.....

[White_Rose]

Hello CM

I see I called you CC in my previous post. Sorry about that.

A week's leave is not bad. Going on holiday by alone is not my favourite either. You need someone there to discuss what you have seen and done. Instead of trying to get out do you have hobbies/activities you can do in the house? I'm not good at going out unless I have somewhere specific to go and/or do. Perhaps you can try a walk round your block. Exercise is good and you also have some different scenery.

You are having a lot of therapy in a short period of time. Are you finding it beneficial? If your depression is going backwards can you remember what you used to do when you felt particularly down? It may help you again.

I found going to work helped me but I had to be at work before I felt OK. So sometimes I had a day or half day off because I could not get myself out through the door. When I look back I can see how badly I was managing and I wonder at times how I actually got to where I am. The important thing is that I got here however I achieved it. It's the same for everyone trying to move forward using little helping aids and sometimes larger ones to keep going. The one day you look back and realise how far you have come. Don't suppose I am telling you something you don't know but it does help to be reminded I have found.

Do you think you can contact your sisters? They may like to meet for a coffee or shopping, perhaps going to the cinema. The cinema was one place I could go on my own though I have no idea why.

Mary

[cancerianmoon]

Hello White Rose,

My son returned to the big city a few days ago. He felt just too isolated here. He'll live with his dad for the time being. I know he plans to see a GP who he trusts and he's even mentioned rehab.

I will continue to worry for him and hope that his GP can link him with appropriate support. In the meantime I'm seeing a psychologist and trying to rest. I actually went to a movie yesterday! I also plan to catch up with my sister tomorrow. We'll watch the AFL grand final, even though we don't support either team, it's still that one day in September!

Thank you for your caring advice. I'm continually blown away by the support online here. I'm not sure I'm able to give back at this stage but hope I can in future! CM xx

[White_Rose]

Dear CM

It has been my pleasure and privilege to walk this journey with you. I am certain you will continue to worry about your son but for the time being you have a time of respite. Congratulations on your trip to the cinema.

Please keep up your visits to the psychologist. Sometimes it takes a few days or weeks for the realisation of all you have been through to finally catch up with you. I think this will be a time of grief and mourning for your son and a time of recuperation for you. Strange how they can operate at the same time.

If you wish to continue writing here please do so. When you feel more rested and relaxed you may want to come back and talk to others. It's up to you.

Mary