Adult son with ADHD/anxiety/depression/substance abuse

cancerianmoon · ‎27-08-2017

Thank you for sharing your story JPH68 as mine is very similar. My son is 27 and has recently come to live with me away from the city in a largish regional coastal town. The hope was that he would cope better with the slower pace which would help him get his life back on track. In reality I'm at my wits end. Diagnosed with ADHD at 7, leaving school in Year 10, he has worked as a chef ever since, struggled to make/keep friends, he gets jobs easily but can't keep them. He has a heart the size of this country, is super sensitive. He is estranged from his only sibling and so I'm his only support. Over the past 8 years or so he has lost 4-5 friends to suicide. Until recently he refused to have any type of therapy which he had a lot of as a child until he refused. He has recently started seeing a counsellor irregularly which I don't believe is enough. He is on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. He self medicates with anti-depressants and/or alcohol. I'm constantly shadowing him and at times feel as though I'm on suicide watch. Last week I called the Acute Care Team as he told me he recently attempted suicide. He has also told me he thinks about death daily and has done for years, even the methods he would or would not use. He was given an appointment by the ACT however the day before this he refused to go, so I cancelled. He then said he was in a mood and would like the appointment after all. I have told him he needs to make this call himself. His father and I divorced 20 years ago and don't really get on however he came here for the past few days after I made an emergency call. I'm not sure my son wants to get better, admitting he is running away from himself and even though he says he hates the person he is. I've tried encouraging him to do the things he loves e.g. fishing however I know getting motivated is a struggle as he is in such a dark place. There are times when I tell myself to just become resigned to the fact he will probably not make it to 30. He's an adult but I feel the need to mother him like a child. He wants his own apartment however I worry this would be a disaster for many reasons I won't go into. He does not drive and knows no one here. I work full time. He shuns the idea of medication, because he says 2 friends died after stopping their own meds, yet he takes other medication which terrifies me and turns him into a zombie. I just don't know what else to do.

White_Rose · ‎05-09-2017

Hello Cancerian Moon

Thank you for bringing me up to date. It is a disappointment that your son cannot access psychiatric help in the public hospital. You could phone the hospital and check this is the correct information.

The Mental Health Plan is usually for ten visits although I understand this can be extended in some cases. These visits should take him to the end of the year and he can start again in 2018. However there will not be enough visits for the whole year. Unless the psychologist is happy to bulk bill your son there will be a gap payment which varies from practitioner to practitioner.

If your son is receiving a CentreLink benefit then he will be eligible for Medicare safety net rebates. This will not apply to visits to a psychologist other than those visits on his MHP. I wonder if your son would be better served by going to a psychiatrist. All these visits are eligible for Medicare rebates and there is no annual limit. These may work out far cheaper in the long run than seeing a psychologist. It works like this. Your son pays the psychiatrist fee and claims a Medicare rebate which will leave him with an out of pocket expense of $50-$100. This amount is recorded in his Medicare file until he reaches a set limit. I am not sure what this limit is but I believe it is about $500. Don't quote me as I am guestimating. At this rate you son will quickly reach his Medicare safety net limit and any further fees will be reimbursed at a much higher amount. My guess is that his out of pocket expense will be around $18 per visit.

It would be best if you went into your local Medicare office and ask them to explain it to you with the amount of rebates and safety net limit. This rebate will last to the end of the year making the financial outlay far less of a burden. It will also mean your son will have regular access to continuous psychiatric care. I believe it would be important to him to become comfortable with his therapist which is not always possible through the public system. He will need a referral from his GP for this.

If you can go with him to CentreLink he may find it easier to explain what is happening and you will know what he has been told so can remind him if he gets a little confused.

I understand how worrying this is for you and the sooner he gets settled with a therapist the more comfortable it will be for him. Perhaps you can have a chat with the GP to say what your son needs. Let me know how this goes. Talk about CentreLink later.

Mary

cancerianmoon · ‎08-09-2017

My son has an appointment today with a psychiatrist. Yesterday the Acute Care team called me to see how he is doing. It's not great. His sleeping pattern is haphazard and his moods change regularly. He is still drinking. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, being careful of what I say. I made the effort to not even mention his health last night. I realise that I talk about it an awful lot. It sort of defines our lives and I know that's not good either. Hopefully today's appointment will go well! On a different issue, after confiding in my manager a few weeks ago, last week I presented with a typed document outlining our (I thought) off the record conversation. It also stated that I had been getting upset at small things at work. I was asked to sign this and explained that I didn't believe it was accurate. I even said to my manager that I was concerned that such a document was now stored somewhere. She hand wrote amendments to it but to date the amended document hasn't made its way back to me. My manager has also spoken with the managing director about me being upset over "small things.." I took the opportunity to open up about my son, explaining that small things per se don't upset me, rather there is a cumulative effect and I do have a tipping point (don't we all...?) due to my son's health and my concerns for him. I'm now worried that my manager has me on her radar and will look at ways to dismiss me. I know there are no grounds for this and I have had no warnings or issues in the past. (My employee reviews have been glowing) I'm disappointed that opening up about a very personal issue seems to have backfired in some way. Has anyone else experienced this? Have I done the right thing? Is there anything I can do moving forward? Thank you for listening xx

White_Rose · ‎08-09-2017

It is very sad to talk to someone in confidence only to find they do not see it this way. If this was a colleague you would probably have no issues but managers can be dicey people to deal with. I think in some cases they are afraid of having someone with mental ill health problems. I know it's your son, not you but they seem to feel anyone associated with someone with poor mental health also has poor health. It is unfair to document a private discussion and she should have warned you it would be recorded. I think it's discriminatory as other people speaking about person problems would probably been given sympathy but no record.

Another reason your manager may have documented this is in case there is a problem at work that leads back to you, and her manager would want to know why he/she had not been informed or action taken. In other words your manager is protecting her back.

It's all very unfair I agree and certainly makes you feel unsafe. Are you a member of your relevant union? If so they can advise you of your best action.You have a right to know what your manager intends to with this information and to get this in writing. Unless she is prepared to tell you this you can refuse to sign the paper.

They really have no right to put you in this position.

Mary

cancerianmoon · ‎09-09-2017

My son's appointment with a new psychiatrist yesterday didn't go well. Within about 20 minutes the Dr was talking BPD, we left with pathology request forms for bloods/urine and an appointment in a month, but to have ongoing psychological support in the meantime. I was stunned by the instant "diagnosis" and my son was just angry at me for disclosing info and the Dr for "labelling" him so quickly. The day went downhill from there, with me convinced my son really doesn't want help, only telling the Dr what he chooses, and seeing no future for either of us. I'm ashamed to admit I lost my patience and ended up telling my son that I couldn't have him live with me anymore as I was not coping and don't have the skills to help him. (this would effectively leave him homeless) I went to a nearby park and called the BB support line. I felt SO overwhelmed, SO hopeless, SO alone. THEN I received a phone call from a psychologist I'd been trying to contact all week. He was recommended by the psychiatrist my son saw when he was admitted to hospital recently. After some background info an appointment was made for Monday morning! I was so worried my son would be "over it..." and refuse to go so waited until much later when he had calmed down to tell him. He agreed to go which is a relief (for now..). I know.....my son is 27..... however he lacks basic life skills; is forever losing things - phones, wallets, passports (twice!), forgets appointments. I feel like I'm a helicopter parent, always hovering, but usually that term relates to parents/young children. My child is an adult. At what point do I let go and leave him to manage his own life? He has missed appointments recently which he really needs. I guess by telling him to leave the house I was hoping to shock him into thinking about how his behaviour affects me. He had already told me he doesn't think about this. He has said he doesn't believe therapists can help so with this mindset can they? I've explained they will give him the skills he needs to help himself but it's up to him to let them do this. I've drawn a line in the sand here; that if he is not willing to get this help he will be on his own and the future will be bleak (my words..)

Guest_128 · ‎09-09-2017

Hi there Cancer,

First up just a big squishy hug,you poor thing,I wish I could help YOU more.

Sounds like it's getting very serious, you have done your absolute best and that is a hell of a lot more than most mums would. I am very worried about you,you do have a life as well,I think you are doing the right thing giving your son some really big home truths.

He has to except he has a problem before anything can change,he has to want to ask and get help.

He needs to know for your health,that you are full,not coping,not happy.

I would seriously go on a holiday maybe a cruise whatever just go try relax

And let him work it out. What do they say hard love.

Dory

White_Rose · ‎09-09-2017

Hello My Dear Cancerian moon

Dory is right you know. However hard it is children have to make their own decisions. I'm pleased you have set the rules with your son and I realise how hard it will be for you to enforce them. At 27 he should be able to look after himself unless he has an intellectual disability and I feel this is not the case.

I cannot help about the BPD as I know little about it. I am however surprised (write own word here) that a psychiatrist can make such a decision within 20 minutes of meeting someone. Must be a pretty good clinician.

Don't blame yourself for getting cross with your son. You have told him what he needs to hear about himself and how unwell you are becoming because of trying to help him. Good that you can go with him to see the psychologist. I wonder why he has to wait for a month to see the psychiatrist again. Blood tests etc don't take more than a couple of days.

I believe with BPD a person finds it difficult to empathise with others but this also applies with Asperger's which is his diagnosis originally. I really think these experts have favourite MI and anyone coming close gets labelled that way. I may be doing them an injustice and I definitely think we have many good psychiatrists. I suppose the trick is to find a good one.

I hope all goes well on Monday.

Mary

Guest_128 · ‎11-09-2017

Hey Cancer,

just checking in, how's it going?

cancerianmoon · ‎11-09-2017

Appreciate it Dory! Today's appoint with new psychologist went well, with another appointment next Monday. It's a positive, which is a welcome change but it's early days. I saw my psych today too and she explained there's a fine line between "supporting" and "enabling".... that it would be good for him to move into a place of his own and be responsible for himself. So pretty much what you and White Rose advised, god bless you both! AND I have decided I'm just gonna jump on a plane to Bali for a week(it's so cheap from where I live). He'll just have to look after himself (and my beloved dogs...) How are you doing? ( I hope the advice for your dog helps! I've done a bit of positive reinforcement work with them in the past)

cancerianmoon · ‎13-09-2017

So... caught between a rock and a hard place..... nowhere to turn as any advice doesn't take into consideration the athermath of a) police intervention or the b) acute care team. Son has had (for him) a crisis which I understand would not affect many the way it has him. Still, I have a floor with broken glass and dogs hiding in my room with me... scared

Guest_128 · ‎13-09-2017

I am really sorry and frustrated for you.😤

I don't know the process,

Who is it out of all this ca help YOU???????

Please get some HELP even if it's the cops!

He is sick and needs help.

Dont wait any longer,