21 yr old son quit his job and lives in his room

[Caterr]

I am looking for advice on how to help my son. Three months ago he quit his plumbing apprenticeship and stays in his room all day on his computer. I got him to come to the Dr who prescribed him antidepressants but he stopped taking these after three weeks as he said they didn't work. He doesn't want to see a psychologist and basically says he doesn't see the point of anything. I cannot talk him into just going outside and going for a walk. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Caterr~

Welcom to the Forum. I know you have a very worrying problem, and one that may others have had to face too - have a glance around just the "supporting-family-and-friends" section and you will see.

It is very upsetting to be so powerless, particularly as you can clearly see what needs to be done for your son. However he is the one that has to do it -and want it to succeed too. By now I'd imagine you have tried everything you can think of, maybe even to the extent of causing resistance or arguments.

Has anyone else been invited to try and persuade him, a friend, special friend or other family member?

His retreat into a less pressured environment with the stimulus of gaming is hard to discourage. As is complying with his medical regime, which may feel unpleasant

He has to act and you have no way of making him so with one exception you are stuck with using indirect approaches. That exception is of course if you believe he is in immediate danger of taking his life, in which case your course is clear-cut, ring emergency services (000)

I would think keeping up the pressure to see the doctor, take his tablets and come out of his room is only going to make things worse and cause a rift between you.

I don't have any real answers - I wish I did. Perhaps I can offer some thoughts?

If he does say anything, take it on board, even if you disagree. The idea being that unlike when you were trying to get him to do something unpleasant, he can get to see you as someone he can at least talk to without strife or feelings of guilt. Also if there is any ill feeling establish you have boundaries, walk away and return later.

In the same way can you get him to see you as being more of a companion, maybe by doing things with him -even a game? If you can establish some level of willing cooperation that might be good. Is there anything he has particularly enjoyed or wanted in the past you can do together? Perhaps as time goes on getting him to help you, maybe run you to the shops or something like that.

Only two more things. you keep trying, it may be a very slow process, and when things fail you just let him know you will always be there for him.

The second is your welfare and health. In such a stressful situation you too need support. Is there anyone there for you?

Please come back and say what you think

Croix

[Caterr]

Thank you Croix you have reiterated what I believe is the truth that at the moment he sees me as the enemy and that I don't care because I keep trying to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. I will need to back down from that for a bit and see if he will then open up a bit more over time. One thing I am really not sure I am doing the right thing is withholding his money that he put in a savings account with me controlling when he was working. I am convinced that if I give it to him he will use it for drugs and that could be fatal but on the other hand my controlling him might be making things worse for our relationship and for his taking responsibility for himself

[dragonflies]

Hi Caterr,

I can imagine how hard it must be to watch your son quit everything, not see the point in life and feel so low. Especially when you feel helpless and keep trying and trying with no results. I am aware of this because I have been through a similar experience with my dad. He tried for a long time to help me and would become angry and frustrated when he knew what the right thing to do was and I just simply would refuse to do anything. Overtime he changed his approach and slowly reached out and introduced me to the idea of mental illness and how I was feeling was not myself because of it. He wanted me to see a doctor. I didn't. In the end, after a long time and a lot of encouragement I did see a doctor. Though I needed to feel like it was my choice and to do it in my own time - I didn't want to be forced.

I was very against starting medication and once I agreed to, it took months and months to feel, it is not an immediate change at all. 3 weeks isn't long enough to start noticing any change. However, it is important your son knows he needs/wants to take the medication because it is up to him whether he will commit to it... For me, medication was a difficult step. I was required to talk to my psychiatrist (referred by my gp) about how I was feeling, thoughts I was experiencing etc in order for him to help me properly - he needed to know how to correctly treat me and what I needed. Overtime, trying different medications, increasing dosages, adding in other medications I began to notice a small change - like the negative thoughts silenced a little. I am severely depressed - for me this medication wasn't enough. Only in the past few weeks I have started on another med - stimulants. I can notice it. Point is, medication takes a while to figure out what works best - there is hope for it to help.

I replied to a post another parent had, concerning how to help their son. I tried to explain my experience with my dad to hopefully offer some insight.

I too shut myself out of everything. Push everyone and everything away. Don't want to be involved in life. Don't see the point in life. Just like to stay in my dark room by myself.

For me, a big part of starting my journey into 'getting better' was that it needed to feel like my choice. Love, support, encouragement, understanding, space and time were all a part of this process.

If you'd like to check it out it is called - What to do when they DONT WANT HELP ? posted by a member called How.

dragonflies

[Croix]

Dear Caterr~

I found Dragonflies post to you really great, perception backed by experience. I think we are all feeling the same way, for your son to want to use the medical system to get well he has to feel there is a point in doing so and that it is his decision.

That may well take time. His money is a difficult one. In an ideal world it should be his decision to lock it away so that the temptation to buy drugs is not there. I guess you have to balance the likelihood of him buying drugs against the continuation of the existing rift.

If it was me -and I'm well aware It is very easy for me to give advice - I'd leave it locked up. No doubt you have explained the reason. Some of the commonly available drugs are so harmful there is no return. My son works in A&E and some of his experiences are horrifying and so sad.

Try to be a serious non confrontational companion who values his presence and opinions even so.

Maybe in time you will be able to trust him to lock the money away himself or use it for some worthwhile purpose. Something else to work towards I guess.

I wish there were easy pathways to follow and matters were quickly resolved. Unfortunately that is not the case. Love, luck and perseverance are really the only tools one has.

Croix