1 year with partner and last month has had real lows and broke it off

dre1989 · ‎18-01-2021

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, when i first met him, he told me he did get some lows sometimes but that was linked to an gambling addiction - during the first few months of the relationship he got support through a councilor and that seemed to help. He started a new job and due to the way the rostering works, he had to stop his weekly talks. I'm not sure what triggered it but i noticed it quite often and now he has ended things saying i deserve better and that i should find someone who can provide me what I deserve etc.. he says he needs to get his head sorted before he can be in a relationship - I understand but im also finding it really difficult because he is my best friend and in a way i know i've kind of lost my support person. I've been checking in just to make sure things are okay and to let him know i love and miss him but should i be doing this? I don't want to say the wrong things or make him feel more guilty than he already does. He did tell me yesterday, he has looked up for some support and we are meant to be catching up one night to discuss further. Im just heart broken so finding it difficult where to draw the line, i love him and want nothing but happiness for him, but could i make it worse holding on?

white knight · ‎18-01-2021

Hi, welcome

Yes, you could be making it worse for yourself. We have to protect ourselves - thats the bottom line.

Love as you would know is a two way street, if its one way then it isnt ideal and potentially hurtful. Where do you draw the line and move on? When someone goes so far as to break things off and then not display some "i'm missing you" sort of communication....then its is definately one way and its better to move on.

This will be heartbreaking for you. Many of us have overcome this grief period post breakup, I myself 3 times all over 7 years duration. So please remember- you will come out ok, you'll eventually meet someone more compatible that you'll fall in love with. Although these words are sad for you now, they are true.

We are here to support you anytime.

TonyWK

HollyBlue · ‎19-01-2021

Hello Dre1989,

Firstly, welcome. I am going through something quite similar to yourself, and I know it isn't easy. There are many people here that offer wonderful advice, and I hope you can find some comfort in their posts.

While I can see where White Knight is coming from, I don't entirely agree. Almost two months ago now my significant other went through I sudden low point and cut off contact, saying he couldn't be in a relationship right now, he had too much work to do on himself, and I deserved better. Though I am not so lucky to be hearing from my loved one, I don't believe the only option is to give up on them and move on. Often people push the ones they care about the most away in times of deep depression, especially men. There's a deep shame in depression for some, and they can feel unworthy of their partners and unable to fulfill what they believe is their duty in a relationship. Many partners that take this action regret doing so when they begin to recover.

I choose to hope. I check in with him occasionally and let him know I sill support him. This brings me a mixture of peace and frustration, and it's not easy. I wish you the best in whatever path you choose, but remember that you need to take care of yourself first. Trying to care for a loved one through a mental health crisis can be trying on your own mental health. My counsellor has been so valuable to me through this.

Take Care!
~HollyBlue

815 · ‎20-01-2021

Hi Dre1989

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you here and I do hope you can find some comfort and support here.

I have only been in this situation, of trying to support a loved one through mental health issues. for the most part of last year. And I am definitely still very much in the middle of it all. But I can understand how heart breaking, how sad and hurtful all of it is to deal with.

I think that you wanting to be there to support him, and worrying about whether what you are doing is making things worse for him, is admirable, and shows how much you are.

I have thought many times in my own situation whether what I'm doing is making things worse. And honestly, I think there are a lot of things that I did that probably made the situation worse for my husband. But it was never the intention. So I just have to remember that what I did or said, was purely out of love, and not be too hard on myself for it. And I think that checking in on your boyfriend now and then, is not necessarily a bad thing. As I had written in a reply to HollyBlue as well, I guess you just need to learn to not expect much return and if you want to continue trying to support, you need to be OK with that and whatever the outcome is.

But like HollyBlue, I have also chosen hope. And I will continue to choose hope. And I think like HollyBlue says, whichever path you choose, you do also need to look after yourself and get support for yourself, which you have started to do by posting here. It took me a long time to realise that our own wellbeing is just as important as that of the ones we love who are are trying to support.

Have you had a chance yet to catch up with him and discuss things further?