Where to from here?

[xYuna]

I grew up with the end goal of never living past 27, and now I am almost 31 and that scares me.

I never made plans, never anticipated living this long. I moved from one country to another in hopes I could find a drive, make a plan, find a life, but it’s been a lonely existence here.

Making friends - genuine friends - is hard in another country. My sense of humour is dark, my many different jobs have also been dark, and I find myself more alone than I’ve ever been. I find it hard to connect with people when the things I have seen makes me not want to waste time on superficial conversation.
 

I just wish I could make a deep and meaningful connection. I wish I could just put the rose-tinted glasses back on and pretend that my life isn’t mundane, or for nothing.

I wake up, I go to work where I sit on my own for eight hours a day, I go home and sleep - repeat. I try to get past my fear of people by going to local events, but frankly I’m so scared. 

People leave, and I stay where I am.

I feel I am just existing. I have nothing to show for my life. No career goals, debt, friends that are in another country with their own lives to lead, people who left when they garnered something better. I am alone, utterly alone. 
 

I wasn’t meant to live this long, the constant reminder on my brain as I get closer and closer to my birthday, another year wasted.

What do I do here? I am in a foreign country and I can’t keep doing this. I need help, direction - something, anything. Please.

[Croix]

Dear xYuna~

Welcome here to the Support Forum. At least here you will find some whose conversation is not trivial, however in the long run text is no substitute for real people.

Apart from living in a strange country away from friends you do say you are alone. For many people interaction with others comes about from day to day employment, working wiht colleagues, however yours is solitary, cutting off that source.

Do you mind if I ask what your fears are? They do appear to be limiting your life, and as a result loneliness and lack of stimulation result. Also with others one is more likley to feel satisfaction, even accomplishment.

For some who are very reluctant to be with others it is quite appropriate to see a GP in an extended conversation and explain fear and the limitations it imposes.

Once you feel ready looking for employment of a different nature might be helpful too.

It is easy to not be aware of one's own strengths and accomplishments. You have a sense of humor, have held down many jobs and traveled overseas,  just to name a few. That is not a wasted life, it is a richer one than many. Life takes unexpected turns and the things you were aiming for, plans and goals, may cease to be important to you.

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

[Guest_27104948]

hello! I just wanted to quickly reach out and say I wasn't meant to make it past like 17 ish. But I'm still here today, standing proud! I honestly didn't plan much for the years following my 17th birthday but I've been managing. moving countries is for sure a difficult decision but I'm so proud of how brave you've been. if you put yourself out there I'm sure there's a tonne of people who would want to get to know you and be your friend. so don't be afraid! also, I totally get the thing about deep connections and rose-tinted glasses. that's how my life was with my ex-best friends. after we stopped talking I crumbled a bit. but I managed to pick myself up and I'm doing quite well. despite my sometimes rough and depressive attitudes, many people actually like me and want to be my friends! if it can happen to me it'll happen to you. don't worry!

[Scared]

I get it.  Seriously I do.

I know one thing about living in another country is expats are there too, from your home country.  Expats are often lonely for contact with others needing conversation like yourself.  
You just google " expats in your adopted country as you are an expat yourself" and just see what comes up.

I get frustrated with superficial people and I feel like Im the odd one out even tho I know what Im thinking is super important and relevant. I feel like screaming at them wake up.  But slowly Im learning to not worry about these people and let them run off to buy their next consumer fix.  I lived many years without purpose in life and it was the shallowest period of my life. I also have dark humour and some people find it very funny while others seem to be offended by it   I just want to say to them stop being a prude .  I know one true thing in this life that is so important to our mental health and that is if you dont have purpose in life then life generally sucks.  Dont feel bad because finding purpose is not easy to find.  I met a girl whom gave me purpose in helping her in life.  She gone now and I struggle now similar to you because I lost my purpose

I did many social experiments over the years and I noted the alcoholics and drug addicts that were in my world all lacked purpose and happiness.  I had to get rid of them because like you I know there is something much bigger and deeper and really important to find. Just reach out to expat community and just maybe purpose will follow.  Some things I write on here dont meet their criteria so I never know if its posted.  Truth is not always valued on here so I cant go deeper than this.   Dont stop your humour ok 

[bookworm1]

Such a coincidence reading your post and remembering when I told myself I would not live past 27 years old. I thought I was at the end of my life at 26 years old. My intrusive thoughts are less intense than before, following therapy and hospitalisation. It must feel very isolating to be in a foreign country, I hope you can find something to keep you busy, entertained and that makes you feel a little more at home. I also hope you can find a way to combat your own thoughts.

[resistor]

Hi xYuna. I just want to reach out and say you are certainly not alone.

Like yourself, and many others, I too didn't expect to pass 27. But I did, and fell in a spiral after passing that age. I too moved to other cities, and now another country, making "disposable" friends but never deep connections. It was a tumultuous time.

My life only started after 37. The point is it's never too late, it may feel hopeless but I promise you it's not.

I hope you are okay, xYuna.