Hi Jay
With cancer being such a fearful experience, the level of courage and determination someone who faces such a battle conjures up speaks volumes when it comes to their nature. Courage and determination are a part of their nature. They are a part of your nature. Human nature is such a complex thing...
I've found 'Only under certain circumstances' to be a revelation. Only under certain circumstances would I find myself yelling at a person, after I have tried every other thoughtful and caring way to communicate clearly. Only under certain circumstances would I find myself exploring in detail how I think, how I behave, how others around me behave etc etc. Typically those circumstances involve me trying to get out of a period of depression or intolerable levels of stress. Only under certain circumstances would I employ greater self care, when carelessness toward myself comes with consequences, symptoms or side effects. The list goes on when it comes to circumstance. So, you could say that only under certain circumstances do I channel a part of me that's upstanding or a facet full of serious wonder or self loving aspect. Those parts of me are in there, it just takes certain factors to bring them to life. Courage and determination are in you, waiting again to be brought to life. The question is 'What will bring them to life?'.
The small ways can be easier to manage, easier to practice in the beginning. Could it be you will practice getting the job you really want down the track by starting with simple jobs first? When I say simple, I don't necessarily mean easy. After being a stay at home mum for some years, I was terrified about returning to work. While I was confident in parenting, outside of this my self esteem was shot to hell. To add to the challenge, I'm a bit of an introvert so the challenge was also about entering into a group of people I didn't know. I chose a job in aged care, based on it being an industry I was somewhat familiar with in from my younger years. Began as a cleaner then changed over to working in the kitchen. Both involved a lot of hard work yet the work was relatively simple. I knew, without a doubt, I could manage 'simple'. It was through this simple job that I found good friends, people who helped me develop as a person in so many different ways.
I think we can be led to believe we have to act in extraordinary ways - find amazing jobs, become a social butterfly, display the kind of self esteem that wows a crowd. To simply live can be a skill in itself.
