TW Vivid imagery, Suicidal and self harm ideation, urges and intent

[KindSoul88]

As I sit here in the change room at work, different ideas are coming into mind. I’ve already taken a step towards self harm, but it’s seems like it’s never enough… the voices wants me to take a step further, as I try to organise my bag I came across some stuff that I can use to take self harm and suicidal intent further… im in a private room which is a perfect scene to act on the urges… I try to block it all out by listening to music but it’s doing nothing but keep me in this mindset of me taking that step further. The idea of it makes me wanna act on it… how do I stop myself from acting on it? How does one mover forward safely without making it any worse? All I know is that I need to do it just to feed and hopefully stop the voices even just a second… I think I need to get out of this room… or probably I should seek help from our medic at work? That idea doesn’t sit with me but if that’s what I have to do then should I do it? The voices are like ‘jo, you don’t need anybody. Just do it!!! We know you want to jo! So why fight it? Just cave in and follow what we say… you got all you need it’s in your bag… isn’t that the reason why you have it with you in the first place! So go on Jo do it and let go, don’t hold back! You know we’re right…’ don’t know what to anymore, this feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t seem to understand and make sense of everything!

[KindSoul88]

Everyone is against me... everyone thinks I’m a joke… the voices are right, My life is worthless… so what a good way to make my life matter one last time is to be part of that statistic. I don’t care what happens to me anyways

[therising]

Hi KindSoul

I hate it when no one seems to listen. It's like you're speaking some language that few seem to be able to interpret. The language of feeling or feelings is so unique. I think only those who know how to feel it and speak it really get it, really share that unique understanding.

Some folk tend to leave me stunned at times, the way they just can't hear what you're saying. I think they simply hear in their own mind their interpretation of your words. When I think about my husband, he leaves me scratching my head at times. On occasions when he asks me how I am and I say 'I can feel myself becoming depressed', his response kind of shocks me. 'I don't like to hear that. It upsets me when you're upset because I love you so much'. Then he walks off because he's so upset that I'm upset. He leaves me alone to become depressed, while he goes off to feel better in front of the tv. People are strange, hey. On the other hand, my kids can say to me 'Do you know why you feel the way you do?', which can trigger a whole conversation which involves getting to the bottom of things. It becomes an open minded and revealing conversation. That's one of the things I've taught them, never leave someone alone to face tough emotions.

It's strange, we can face long term depression and those inner demons for years. 10, 15, 20 years and not come across a single person who can lead us to experience life in any other way. Then one day it changes, with a single person or one single group of people who say exactly what we've needed to hear for a decade or more. Suddenly everything begins to click and it's mind altering. Will it be the next person you speak to on the phone? The next staff member you meet at some facility? The next person you watch/listen to on some Ted talk? You never know. But what you do know is no one has managed so far. Odds have it that you're getting closer to meeting that person or those people. One of the worst parts of depression is not having the date when that will happen. If we had a date, we'd know exactly how long we'd have to wait before everything changes.

I remaining wishing, with all my heart, that tomorrow is the day where you meet that person ❤️

[smallwolf]

hello.

Let me echo the sentiments of Sophie_M...  I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time and it takes a lot of courage to share your struggles, even if you don't feel comfortable disclosing your identity. It's important to remember that seeking help doesn't mean you're weak, and there are people who care about you and want to support you.

It's also understandable that when you've had negative experiences with the mental health system in the past, you might be hesitant to try again. But it's important to keep trying to find help that works for you. 

If you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, please consider reaching out to a helpline or crisis service. They can provide support and connect you with resources in your area. Remember, you don't have to go through this alone. Please know that you are valuable and you deserve to get the help and support you need. 

[KindSoul88]

@smallwolf thanks for that!

I seemed help from my local ED and my workplace, unfortunately yet again I came out empty handed…

[KindSoul88]

I don’t know if it’s my iti aril or am I talking in a different language? Coz no one seems to understand what I’m trying to say and point out., or probably they just do t want to help me or they probably see me as a joke or someone who is making these things up? No one seems to hearing what my sentiments and feelings are… it seems like they’re listening but not truly hearing me? Or are they truly listening but don’t care about me and my welfare… I feels like what I’m experiencing are all a dream but it’s truly happening to me (is so feels like it..) I know whinge a lot here but it gives me abit of comfort to know that someone out there is reading this and relating to my story. I do hope that someone out there find my story comforting as well hopefully help someone else… it might be late for me but hopefully to someone it’s not…

[Sophie_M]

Hi KindSoul88,

Thank you for sharing this update here. We're so sorry to hear you're feeling like you're not being heard or helped. 

We’re reaching out to you privately to check in and thank you for sharing with the community here. If you'd prefer to reach us directly, please call the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 and online. If you feel unsafe, the number to call is 000.

Thanks again for sharing. It’s so good that you’ve been able to share your experience, and that you've been able to open up to the team around you. It’s a powerful and brave step, and you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi KindSoul

Not sure if it will help but sometimes I straight out ask people 'Why can't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?', with a 'What do I need say for you to understand exactly where I'm coming from?' thrown into the mix. Give you a few scenarios so you know what I mean:

• Could say to someone 'I'm having one of the worst days of my life', while looking incredibly depressed, only to hear back from them 'We all have those sorts of days'. What the? Nothing quite like the feel of a shutdown or brush off
• I could say to my husband 'I can't handle life at the moment. It's just overwhelming me' only to hear from him some typical line that sounds like 'Life's not meant to be easy'. What the? Shouldn't he be saying something like 'We gotta figure out why everything's so hard, what's overwhelming you so much'? Should add, these days I tend to say to him 'While life can be hard at times, it's not meant to be this hard. There are factors making it this hard'
• Could say to someone 'I am so incredibly lost, so incredibly lost, I just don't know what to do', only to hear someone say 'You'll be right, we all lose our way on occasion. Just stop overthinking things'. Shouldn't it be something like 'You need a guide more than anything right now. We need to find you a guide'

These days, I'm more inclined to only confide in people who can feel what I'm saying, not just hear what I'm saying. They can definitely be hard to find. I think sometimes people can forget just how deep depression can go. Rock bottom is truly unbearable and something we should never be left to face alone.

[smallwolf]

Hey there,

I can imagine how frustrating and overwhelming it must feel when you're trying to express your thoughts and feelings, but no one seems to understand or care. It's tough to deal with that kind of situation, and it's totally understandable to feel like you're talking in a different language or that nobody is truly listening to you.

But please know that you're not alone, and that your story matters. It really sucks when people may not know how to respond or help, and it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you or your welfare. It could just mean they don't have the right words or are unsure of how to support you. Maybe?

It's great that you're able to share your feelings here in this space and find some comfort in knowing that someone is reading and relating to your story. Your words could potentially help someone else who may be going through a similar experience, so please don't underestimate the power of your story.

Keep reaching out and sharing your story, and I truly hope that things get better for you soon.