TW: Thought of living

KindSoul88 · ‎20-02-2023

To some people, those that aren’t suffering from depression and suicidal ideation and urges, would probably say ‘life is great, life is worth living for so and so fort’ unfortunately that’s not the case for me and to a few who suffers like me. I wish I can say life is wonderful and worth fighting for but that isn’t the case… no matter how hard I try I keep stumbling downhill, no matter how hard I pretend that everything is good I just find myself more disappointed and more motivated to end my own life… I think that’s what it is right now, I feel that no one can save me, it is what it is...

smallwolf · ‎21-02-2023

hello and welcome - I found the other posts you entered last week and when you went to therapy before you did not feel it worked or came out worse. This can be the case for some people and for others it is the start of a new journey. I guess the one thing I don't know is how long you were seeing someone? (please don't feel you need to answer these questions, these are just things that pop into my mind.)

It can be incredibly difficult when people who don't experience depression and suicidal ideation tell us that life is worth living and everything will be okay, but it doesn't feel that way for us. It's okay to feel the way you do, and it takes a lot of strength to keep going when life feels like an uphill battle. It's understandable that you may feel disappointed and unmotivated despite your efforts. It can be overwhelming to try and manage these feelings on your own. I want you to know that there is hope and support available to you.

I am not sure what has been happening in your world, but if you want to continue the conversation, let me know. You have a story to tell that is worth listening to.

KindSoul88 · ‎22-02-2023

it’s been tough lately that I feel that I can’t go on anymore., Im at my wits end that I just woke up after doing something bad to myself.. I’ve been asleep the past 48 hrs and just woke up now… I now question why have I woken up? I don’t want to be here anymore, I just needed everything to end… what do I have to do for this to end? the urge to do so is stronger than I last remember., it’s painful to think that I still want to live this aweful life… so I guess it is time to go and be free… all I want is freedom and peace which I don’t have or don’t feel… I need to let things go and just let myself go… But then again do I try and talk to someone who can make probably help make sense of everything for me? Or should I just let myself go coz nothing will ever be enough anyways?

Sophie_M · ‎22-02-2023

Dear KindSoul88,

Thank you for continuing to trust our forum community with your concerns and for having the courage to seek support. We are sorry you are continuing to struggle with your suicidal thoughts, especially as you are experiencing them overwhelmingly without respite despite sleeping for 48 hours.

We're sorry to hear that you have been struggling with these thoughts, we understand how overwhelming it can be to have suicidal urges. You mention that if engaged with a professional they may be able assist by talking through some of these suicidal thoughts and urges.

There are support services available for you when you are having these negative thoughts, with counselors available that would be willing and able to talk through your current suicidal thoughts. As you have mentioned please consider contacting any of these services to have the opportunity to talk through and process your concerns. You can contact the Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. Both services have counselors that specialize in assisting individuals experiencing suicidal thoughts.

We are also available anytime 24/7, we’re available via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. Beyond Blue also have a safety planning app for thoughts of suicide, please have a look: Click here for more info. You don’t have to face these thoughts and concerns on your own, we’re here for you.

Please always remember to contact Emergency Services on 000 if you feel unsafe or at risk of acting on your suicidal thoughts.

Thank you again for returning to the forums and having the courage to seek support.

Warm regards
Sophie M

smallwolf · ‎22-02-2023

To answer the last question in your post ... you are more than enough!

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and like there's no way out of the pain you're experiencing. But please know that there is hope and help available to you, even if it may not feel like it right now.

I'm glad that you woke up and that you're still with us. You are valuable and loved, and your life matters. It takes immense courage to reach out for help, and the fact that you're considering talking to someone is a positive step. I encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or a hotline for support.

There's no shame in seeking help, and it's a sign of strength to recognize when you need support. Take care of yourself, and please reach out for help when you need it.

KindSoul88 · ‎02-03-2023

Spent x amount of hours in hospital, just to be discharged at home when the intensity of the urge to self harm is terribly strong and unbearable…. How does one keep self alive and not act on the urge when time and time again I’ve been let down by the system??? … Just don’t know what do I do to my self? Do I ask help again from a crisis service? I honestly don’t know what can help me get thru this high intensity of an urge to self harm… I have no sleep as being in hospital for that amount of time doesn’t give you the luxury of sleep… is this just a result of having a sleepless night? Or it’s something more??? What do I do?

smallwolf · ‎02-03-2023

Beyond blue has a webpage that lists alternatives ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-i...

have you tried any of these out?

KindSoul88 · ‎03-03-2023

I’ve tried them all, they do work but to some degree only… then when it starts to wear off the intensity of the urge or feeling increases… Ive tried combinations of these still doesn’t last that long than if I act on the urge which lasts between days to weeks.,, I need to find a reason why life is worth trying and living, but I still don’t have that reason but instead I’ve accumulated reasons why my life should end now… so how do you turn that thinking around if you can’t find any meaning to your own life? I feel that no matter how much I try or talk to someone about these thoughts and urges there’s no absolute solution… I guess that is the true reality, that life sucks and you just have to accept it! I don’t expect my life to be grandeous but atleast life should be bearable…

KindSoul88 · ‎07-03-2023

The mere idea of going on living haunts me… I don’t care about my life, heck no one cares about it either so why torture myself by continually trying to get help when it’s plain and simple (it might be selfish for me to say). No matter where I turn to I get let down anyways.

KindSoul88 · ‎10-03-2023

Again, my sentiments and problems fell into deaf ears… went to hospital early this morning but as soon as I got to hospital, I was seen almost immediately by the team, which is odd for my local ED. Anyways no matter what I said including the fact that I’m a risk to myself I was still discharged… seriously why even bother… no one truly hears what I’m saying as if I’m speaking a different language that no one seems to understand… it’s living torture to myself to keep going like this, it just needs to stop it has to surely… when will this end?