Trigger Warning: I would like to end my own life now.

[gurindjiwoman]

I first thought about taking my own life back in 2014. That happened to be the first year that I self harmed. I was in Year 11 at the time and I was being bullied relentlessly for having curly hair - ever since Year 8. But ever since Year 8 I was being bullied for various different reasons. I can't recall what those reasons were, as it was so long ago, but what I can recall is that the teachers did nothing about it, despite the involvement of my mother and grandmother (this was back when my mother was a decent individual and when my grandmother worked for the Department for Education.) I was previously an A and B grade student but then plummeted to a D and E and NA student from the bullying. I ended up quitting school.

In 2012, I joined a netball team, after playing for another club many years prior, where I was punished for being a phenomenal shooter (I was put in WD every game - I certainly wasn't having any fun - like the coach wanted us to.) My breathing disorder (not asthma) was not taken seriously by the team or the coach (who - the coach - I believe has undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and I was eventually kicked off of the team and booted out of the club for reasons unknown. The coach demanded that her team won every single game of the season. In 2013, I played against my old team on one occasion and I was put in GS. I was being bullied on court by the GK (who usually played in C) as she kept slapping the ball out of my hand deliberately (her mother/coach told her to do this) and when I missed ONE goal her mother told her that I should 'give up shooting goals,' which was loud enough for me to hear. Well guess what? She gave up coaching because her team weren't good enough for her (not even her own daughter was good enough for her). So, who is the real winner here? 

If you made it this far - THANK YOU! I actually feel a bit better now that I have shared this with you. I will respond to messages/emails from BB as soon as I can 🙂 

[Sophie_M]

Hi gurundjiwoman,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery in sharing here. We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

You mentioned you’ve come through thoughts about taking your own life in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today?

We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M