Tired of pain

[Loz83]

Im so overwhelmed with life, I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve suffered depression, anxiety, Endometriosis, bulimia on and off and back issues since I was 15 (now 38) and I’m so tired of pain. Physical and emotional. I can’t escape it. Things get good for a while and then they go back to being hard just as quick. It feels like life is a constant struggle and I find little joy in anything anymore. Im finding it hard just to do the grocery shopping right now as I don’t want to see anyone and I can barely communicate with even my family. Ive lived with mental health issues long enough to know that people have an empathy limit and so I’ve shut myself off from almost everyone. Relationships and people are just too hard. I have 4 kids who are the only thing keeping me going and I hate what I am putting them through. I have severe sleep disruption and don’t want to get out of bed. I can’t get through a night without having a drink and I make myself sick almost every night after dinner. Knowing I will die one day is the only thing that gives me comfort but I can’t actually bring myself to do it because I am afraid I will fail. I’ve thought about it almost every day this year and nearly attempted over Xmas. I’ve seen so many therapists and medical professionals in my life and I’m still feeling like this. I just want this hell to end.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Loz83,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for your bravery in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been going through some really difficult things for a while and are sorry to hear about how much pain you’ve endured throughout your life. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

You mentioned you’ve suffered with your mental health as well as physical challenges throughout your life. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Maybe it was a good counsellor or mental health professional, maybe it was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative, or maybe it was something you were doing that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind. 

We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Please keep sharing your words on our forums. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention, and we think they will find great value in your courageous words. 

 
 

[Croix]

Dear Loz83~

I’d like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you back to the Forum. I’m afraid I’ve not been able to read what you said before, it was a fair while ago.

You certainly been given a very hard lot in life, over 20 years with painful physical conditions and more importantly depression, anxiety, eating disorder and wanting to take your life. While things may lighten up for a while the fact they always come back is a horrible thing making everything seem hopeless.

I know the feeling that the end of life can be a comfort. I’ve wanted it, and in some way wanted it to be ‘blame fee’ so it might be by a terminal disease or some other thing, taken out of my hands, not my fault. This did not stay like that and I went on to actually making attempts.

I know you have already tried all the steps people say, with doctors and therapists, but now you seem no further forward. I think it says more about them than you.

As for friends and relations, you may be right, after a while they tail off, though I strongly suspect it is no ‘empathy limit’, but the fact they are stuck, maybe frustrated, maybe feeling guilty and still seeing you suffer so much without being able to assist. That can be hard.

I can say one thing, don’t know if it will help, and that is -whatever you may think about yourself -you are a very good mother.

How can I say that when your kids must see you suffering? Well, you stay here despite every terrible thing you face in life, and it is for them. How big a sacrifice is that? You may laugh but I think you are heroic. Braver than me, after all I tried not to stay.

Would you like to say a little about your kids? I’d like to know

Croix

[Loz83]

Thank you for your kind words. I have an 8,10, 12 and 14 year old who are my world. Unfortunately we have little family so have not had much support over the years. It has made us very close however and we generally spend time with just us. I have recently started to homeschool 3 of them which has added some stress however I know it is the absolutely best thing for them.
Im having a bad Endo flare up today and am in a lot of physical pain but they are happy to lay with me and read and work quietly which I am so grateful for. I wish I could be more for them.

[Croix]

Dear Loz83~

It sounds like your kids have inherited your caring attitude. To have all four at those ages in harmony and peacefully engaged sounds a real boon. do they have favorite books or reading?

Do you mind if I ask what decided you on homeschooling? I've a couple in my family who do this, though one is a trained teacher anyway, and they have found it a pretty time consuming thing, plus a fair degree of 'tact' to get on in a parent / offspring teaching relationship.

Mind you when homeschooling does work the results can be marvelous (though sometimes the teacher has to pedal like mad to keep up with the subject matter:)

How are you finding it? Can you get decent support from the school/Ed Dept? Also can you combine some lessons for two or even all three?

As I said you sound a pretty excellent mum

I hope we can chat some more

Croix

[Chris_Tas]

Take any positive steps you can to regain happiness.

I assure you I'm not there yet. (I'm no hero nor bother with lectures)

When I'm trying to be happy, I do things to make me happy.

Please think of what would make you happy? Movie, games, music whatever and spend time on that.

Every positive step forward helps.