Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Sorry to read youve had some anxiety of late im glad that you find some respite with your walking.  I do walk a bit myself i enjoy walking . Its good that local councils seem to cater for people to walk nowadays. 

I was saying how i started donating blood.  I got a text yesterday telling me where they had sent my blood , apparently they have been doing that for a couple of years as a way to encourage people, mine went to Royal Hobart from here in Victoria i felt pretty amazed to know that.  

I have had a bit of anxiety of late too.  Ive been trying to say yes to a few things, going to the footy in Melbourne being one. Ive said i will go in a couple of weeks but now im getting a bit anxious.  I guess i just have to try and keep it a bit realistic and remember its not such a big deal. 

I hope you have a peaceful and Happy Day.    Beaser     

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

That was really nice to get the text about your blood going to Royal Hobart. It is such a meaningful contribution and may really have a positive influence on someone else's life. Yes, it's amazing to think you could be helping someone in a different state. The world is so connected now in many ways and it is wonderful we can help others who may not even be nearby.

Have you been to the footy in Melbourne before? I'm guessing it's an AFL game? I imagine it will be exciting and a good atmosphere seeing a big game like that live. I do understand the anxiety coming up, but hopefully the excitement will override that and you will really enjoy it once there. I used to go to some of the AFL games in Perth with friends. I'd get quite caught up in the atmosphere of it all. I'd feel emotional before the match even started 😂 It's something about being part of a communal gathering of people and the spirit of it all. These days I'm not following the footy, but I was really into it back then, probably partly because I grew up with it. My dad was a player with one of the clubs and he watched all the footy games he could on TV. I imagine it was part of your world too when growing up.

I really hope you have a lovely weekend Beaser,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Just thought I would check in and say Gday. 

I hope you've been going ok . 

I got myself to the footy a couple of weeks ago i once went regularly but had dropped of in recent years . It went well even though my team lost i seen it as a step forward.

I had the week off from my local football as i felt i needed it .  I just felt a bit burntout by it . Im a volunteer and the lady who works along side me, questioned me in front of people and felt a bit humiliated i guess.  Ive done the job for so long and i feel ive done a very good job. I guess that may sound a bit sensitive but i guess we all react differently.  

Apart from that ive been pretty good. Im off to give my second plasma donation on Tuesday im actually looking forward to it, i find it another little positive for me.  

I hope you have a great day , How have you been ?

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I'm really glad you got to the footy and that it went well, even though your team lost. Yes, just getting out there and being part of it is great. Good on you.

I understand feeling a bit burnt out from the volunteer work. You've given a lot there and so I understand feeling a bit put out by the lady you work alongside if she made some comments. I am sensitive too, so I get it. But a good thing to know is it is definitely her issue, not yours. It's really important you do what's right for you, first and foremost, and not work to please others. I've spent most of my life giving priority to others and I've only learned recently to start prioritising myself. So remember you come first Beaser.

I think it's so wonderful you are donating plasma and actually looking forward to it. Again, good on you! That's awesome.

I'm going through an interesting time. It's gradually become apparent that I have a dissociative disorder in addition to complex ptsd, but it's actually helping me because I really know what I'm dealing with now. I'm dealing with some pain issues at the moment too, but again I think I'm finding the cause and there is a way out of it. So although I have some challenges I think that overall things are looking up for me.

It's very cold and wintery here. I hope you are keeping warm where you are. Take good care Beaser and so lovely to hear from you. Wishing you a wonderful week ahead!

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Hope youve been going ok . 

Ive been going ok .  Hospital has been going ok . Im still enjoying my days up there. 

Ive been pretty quiet otherwise.

I have found myself shying away from people a bit as i just dont feel like explaining my situation to them.  Im not sure if others are familiar with being this way.  I guess its a way of self protection. 

How have you been. I hope things are going well for you.

Beaser.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I’m glad things have been going ok for you. I’m doing ok and I’m in Melbourne at the moment where I’m thinking about coming to live.

I feel like I understand what you mean about shying away from other people, because you don’t feel like having to explain your situation to them. I’ve been similar to that where I don’t really like explaining about being on the DSP. A lot of the time I look able-bodied and fine, and I feel like people may not understand why I am on the DSP. It’s a mix of mental and physical health issues for me, and I also don’t really want to have to explain about those things to people. So sometimes I just say things like I’m not working at the moment, but I don’t explain in detail. At the same time though, I’m gradually learning not to worry about what other people think. I know I’ve done my best in every way, and I’m still doing my best to get through things, and I’m sure that you are as well. So I guess I would say don’t worry too much about what others may think. I’m really realising the value of human connection and a sense of belonging. So I’m trying to overcome the things that can leave me feeling a bit isolated from others. The people worth connecting with are the ones who are understanding and have empathy. You are someone who is doing good in the community with your volunteer work at the hospital, so you can definitely feel proud of that.

Anyway, I understand what you mean by self protection. I think it’s a case of going gently with ourselves and making connections in situations where we feel happy and safe. There are good people out there and you are a good person too.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Great to hear from  you.

Im glad youve been going ok.  Wow Melbourne would be a big move . Its good that you can get over here and get a feel for the place. Maybe you have friends or family here that would make the move a bit easier.

Its been a pretty cold Spring here and the gardens are a bit slow growing. Some warmer days ahead i hope.

Yes ive certainly been in self preservation mode with people at times .  Ive always worried about what other people think but you are so right about not worrying about what others think and we are all doing our best .

Have you enjoyed your time in Melbourne ? 

I often think about a shift to a country town . I just know that i would miss the connections that i have built up over my lifetime here as much it has changed so much here.

Hope your day is a good one.....         Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I do have some relatives over here and I caught up with one of them, which was lovely. Yes, I have enjoyed my time here. I have found many people to be so kind and friendly. I’ve done a lot of exploring to investigate different areas as potential places to live.

I can understand the interest in moving to a country town, especially if you like peaceful places and the countryside. I did make that move by leaving Perth, but what happened to me was I ended up feeling really isolated. The town I moved to is fairly small and I’ve been really lonely there. I have made one good friend, but I cannot see myself staying there. So, ironically, I am considering moving to Melbourne which is massive by comparison. So if you do you think you might like to move to a country town I would definitely spend quite a bit of time there first to check it out. It’s good to know what activities and connections are available. It’s really good to get a sense of the place. And, yes, it’s good to think about the connections where you are now and how it would affect you if you moved away from them.

Yes, it can be hard not to worry about what others think. I think it’s because we want to feel safe and secure in social connection with others. But it is so important for us to be accepting of ourselves and know that we have done our absolute best. I think when we are accepting of ourselves everything becomes easier.

I hope you’ve had a good day too Beaser. Mine was good in the end, even though I started tired because I was kept awake by some sort of night construction work going on.

Take care and great to hear from you,

ER

[Beaser]

Morning ER.

Its nice to hear that youve found Melbourne to be kind and friendly.  I guess if you put out a similar vibe people tend to treat you in a similar way. Its also great you have family here, that would make any moving decision a bit easier to navigate.

I did my shift yesterday and it went well. For some reason i have felt very sensitive in recent weeks and any slight disagreement or someone correcting me in any way has triggered me. 

Sometimes ive felt strong in recent times and like i could handle some more pressure then something like these feelings happen and i realize i am still very vulnerable. 

I hope Melbourne's weather hasnt scared you as it has been a very cool Spring and pretty wet.  

Best wishes for a Happy Day.      Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I understand about the feeling very sensitive. I am quite similar and I know for me it started very early in life in relation to the circumstances at the time. So someone doing something like correcting me can feel like it has a big impact. But I am finding that as I develop skills in being able to step back a little and review the situation, I am less emotionally dysregulated by it. It’s kind of like having an observer that can see all around, including the perspective of the other person as well, and then it’s possible to not be so swamped emotionally by what feel like criticisms or judgements from others. I’ve found the meditation approach of a guy named Loch Kelly quite helpful in this regard. He has some videos on YouTube (sorry if I’m repeating myself as I may have mentioned this before). What I find helpful is the way his approach kind of lifts you out of emotional turmoil and enables you to see clearly without being so overwhelmed.

The Melbourne weather was ok for me. I no longer live in Perth but south of there, but Perth itself and much of WA can get very hot. So it’s actually nice to be in a city that is a bit cooler though I know Melbourne can get hot too. I think it just doesn’t get the prolonged heatwaves that Perth gets. It was certainly variable in Melbourne. One morning I went for a walk by the ocean in what was like winter weather and I had my warm jacket on. But by the afternoon it was really warm and quite intense in the sun that had come out. So I felt like I experienced the four seasons in one day thing.

I hope you have a lovely weekend Beaser. I am back home after returning yesterday.

Take care,

Eagle Ray