Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Brett,

Yes, I do understand what you mean about some doctors telling you what you may not want to hear. It's also important to assess what they say too though and check in with yourself as to whether what they are saying definitely fits you. I find doctors who are kind and treat you with respect are the most helpful. I do think you should be able to leave a medical encounter feeling better, not worse. So try not to get down on yourself if that is how it has made you feel.

I totally agree with you about being asked to rate things when calling a helpline. I have only called helplines when I have felt desperate and trauma-activated. So when someone asks me to rate something my brain just goes blank. Twice I have had to end the call when I was asked things like "how many times have you felt anxious in the past 4 weeks". I simply cannot answer a question like that and it is stressful, especially when they persist in asking those questions and you are telling them you can't answer. It escalates my distress because the part of my brain that quantifies things doesn't even work when I am feeling traumatised. The calls that have worked have just been an empathetic, kind person being present with me. I just needed someone to co-regulate with me and that has always been healing. But some people do not have that approach and they are more instructing you on things like cognitive-behaviour techniques. That never works for me and l can feel the disconnect. When that has happened I have tried a different helpline and the experience has been totally different. I feel much calmer and better after the call because the person was simply kind, warm, encouraging, supportive and present with me.

Someone on another thread has been telling me about a YouTube channel called Sitting With Dogs where a guy named Rocky Kanaka goes and sits with dogs who have been abandoned at an animal shelter. He is so kind, loving and intuitive with them, recognising that they just need to be shown some love and given a sense of safety. I am finding it healing for myself watching it! It is so lovely to see intuitive gentleness and kindness. I can recommend it if you want to watch something that helps you feel some kindness and support.

My weekend was quite good as I'm increasingly recovering from Covid and the cough I've had is improving. I'm sorting through final things in relation to my DSP application which I hope to submit this week. I hope you have a lovely week ahead Brett.

All the best,
ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I just thought I'd mention that I think the asking you to rate how you are feeling out of 10 on a helpline happens because they are trying to measure your level of risk. They then usually ask at the end of the call again to see if your distress has calmed a bit. I've had people do this on the S Callback Service and I've actually found that service really helpful. I find being asked this question more ok because it is in the moment and it is about how I am feeling right now. For me it is when they ask me to quantify the number of times I've felt anxious and depressed over recent weeks that I just get lost and go blank. I think the most important thing is that the person is grounding, present, supportive, empathetic and it feels like they are with you so to speak.

[Beaser]

Thanks Again ER.

I have an appt with the different DR today as ive mentioned before my usual one is away .  Im thinking of asking about a medication review . I just dont know what has gone so wrong in recent days .  Its a confusing battle at times .    I hope things are going well for you.    Brett.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I hope the appointment goes well today. Yes, it can be good to review medications from time to time. Sometimes a medication tweak can help. I am on some meds now that are much improving things for me in relation to anxiety and depression I was experiencing. I have a review with the specialist who prescribed them tomorrow and they may get tweaked further. I really hope you can find some answers and feel better soon.

Take good care,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER.

Hope your going along ok.   I did have a change of meds ,  the different one does make me a bit drowsy but i feel less likely to have the scary panic attacks. I think that is a small win .         I did my volunteer work yesterday and that went well.   I hope your specialist review went well .      Wishing you a Happy Day.         Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Brett,

I’m glad the new med is helping. I’ve found sometimes the drowsiness lifts after a week or two as the body adjusts to a new med, so that may happen for you. It is good to have that small win. It can make a difference. I’m glad the volunteer work went well. Yes, I did have a good review with the specialist yesterday who has been a great help. Wishing you a Happy Day too,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi. Hope everyone is doing well.

After speaking with my phycologist who  encouraged me to apply for some work.  I have applied for a ward assistant position at the Hospital that i volunteer at.  Im very anxious about it , have i done the right thing , could i handle it ,all those thoughts.   I guess i just have to keep trying to push forward as hard as it is.    Best wishes    Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Brett,

I’m wondering if it will help reflecting on how you have enjoyed your voluntary work there and that you have been performing that role, and this paid role is really like an extension of that. So you are still going to the same place and doing tasks, but if you get the job you are just getting paid as well.

If it can feel more ordinary, like an extension of what you are doing now, it may feel less overwhelming. As you are in that environment too, can you learn more about the ward assistant role so you feel more familiar and confident about what it involves and what you will be doing? I find learning about things sometimes helps me to feel less anxious as I know and understand more about things. The learning replaces worrying, so to speak.

I also find it can help to find an inner voice of support inside myself to encourage myself. I never used to be able to do that but I’m beginning to find that inner voice and I can comfort and support myself through things more. Can you find a nurturing and encouraging voice within you that can comfort and support the part of yourself that can feel anxious? It can be both calming and strengthening if you can get in touch with that kind of inner support.

Take care and all the best,

ER

[Beaser]

Its been pretty tough of late. I just find myself ruminating about decisions ive made in life. 

Every decision seem a mountain and the  constant feeling of letting people down even though i really havent.  I so wish for someone to just drop around sometime just to know that i mean something to someone.   Sorry to be on a downer but i just needed to write things out.   

My best wishes to everyone         Brett

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Brett,

It’s good to write things down and share here when feeling down. I can relate to that feeling of wishing there was someone to come and support you at times, as I also live alone too. I can understand it would be helpful to have someone to talk through life decisions with. I think the important thing is learning to not put pressure on yourself and make the best decisions for you rather than meet other’s expectations. As far as decisions of the past go, we can only make the best decision we knew to make at the time. I find I can always learn from past choices and then use that learning in how I go forward in the future.  I wonder if writing down what your needs as a person are at the moment would help, and then go forward from there in terms of thinking about future decisions? Sometimes it helps to get things down on paper.

 Hope you have a restful evening Brett and sending you a virtual hug,

Eagle Ray