Time to go

[Rod32]

I've read a lot of the posts, now I know I'm a pathetic looser. Loneliness after wife left, all friends were joint and now I have no contact from them. I have a 20yo son who is my world, my daughter 18 loves me however she is very much like her mother. Lost my two children from my previous marriage, son murdered 2016 and daughter died 2013 wife left 2019. I have tried to cope for my children's sake but now they are older an in relationship I'm not really needed now.  Rambling a bit now sorry, really had mostly a good life but the hurt and pain to much now, hard type through tears.

[Rod32]

I am with you, looking after your child alone would be so difficult without support, your child's father! I can't comprehend abandoning your own child. It helps talking to a woman who has been subjected to similar as me. Guess both genders can inflict pain, do you get the opportunity to get out and meet someone decent, open your heart and learn to trust, all men are not creeps.

[Mishmo]

Yeah its definitly not my loss without him in our lives. And I have tried many times to reach out but nothing. He knows, but wont accept it. When my son was about 10 I found out I was the "other woman" and his fiance/wife was posting the celebration of their 15 year anniversary. Which made me realise their relationship was obviously not over as he told me at the time. So anyways, my family have been there for me where possible. So I consider myself not completely alone. But it is hard, being both parental responsibilities at once.

Nah I have given up looking or seeking anyone. If it comes it comes, otherwise I am use to doing it alone by now. I see others going through divorces and separations and kids in the middle etc, people not being faithful, marriage meaning little if anything really to most. Yeah I have become very closed off to it all really and very scared to ever love again in the fear of being hurt or left again (or pregnant and alone again). Ok sorry, now im rambling.

Well I am a good listener of you feel like venting ... anytime 🙂

[missep123]

Hi Rod32,

I hope that you are feeling comforted reading everyone's posts, as you can see we truly care about you!

How are you feeling today?

[Rod32]

I have also reached out,twice, one email and one text and stated she could return if she felt she had made a mistake with no questions asked but to no avail, completely ghosted and now I realise how pathetic I seemed, can't sleep or eat, dropped 12 kg, just can't get her out of my head with another man.

I don't know if he's a decent person to her or that she is safe. Not having anyone talk to except anonymous people here. I know a lot of people here are definitely struggling more than me.

My pain is very real to me, it's just getting worse every day now, really can't see the point in trying, I shouldn't have woken this morning, stuffed it up.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rod32, 

Aw, we can hear how much pain you're in right now, and how heartbroken you are feeling. It sounds like you have experienced a lot of loss. We are really sorry to hear this, but we are glad that you feel comfortable expressing your emotions on this forum. Hopefully, posting here brings you at least some comfort. 

How long ago did your wife leave? It can take people quite some time to heal from heartbreak, so try to be kind and accepting of yourself throughout the process, as opposed to belittling yourself (e.g., calling yourself pathetic). I know this is easier said than done, but it might be worth giving it a try. 

If you haven't already, we would encourage you to try to engage with a mental health professional as it sounds like you are dealing with some pretty heavy thoughts and feelings. You don't have to go through this alone, and many people find professional support helpful when they are feeling this way. 

Please do not hesitate to contact out support service. Our counsellors are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They can talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals. 

If things become too distressing and overwhelming for you, and if your thoughts of suicide increase, please remember that there are always crisis support services available such as at Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000 – Triple zero) if you find yourself to be in immediate danger.

Feel free to continue to post here as you see fit. We are around to listen and offer support. 

[Mishmo]

Oh my heart breaks for you. Loss is never easy at the best of times. And please dont minimise your pain in thinking other have it worse. Because pain is relevant to the person. Pain is pain for all who experience it.

What you have done in msging her is not at all pathetic. It is who you are and how you feel in the moment. Never pathetic. What tou have done is poured your heart out and thats a great quality to have. Sadly many take advantage of such qualities. But again, u are NOT pathetic.

Yes I too have those days like, Doh, why did I wake up for?! ...and then promptly tell the world to shoosh and go back to sleep (when possible ofcourse).

But the saying it will get worse before it gets better is very true to grief and loss. To be able to get a better handle on the emotions we must first experience them fully and learn how to better handle these emotions. So the next time we experience it (which we hope doesnt happen) its an easier and smoother journey back to happy/contentment.

Yes its hard being mostly anonymous here for some and good for others. But have you tried reaching out to a local community support group? Like I have just done so myself to try help people more focused in my community, in turn to help me grow also (my psychologist recommended I give it a go) The one I have found is currently doing it through zoom. Where you can be as open or quiet as you wish. But be more face to face with people if that would help you more. This may be helpful?! A thought anyway.

But if you can not cope today, take it easy, do something you would normally find enjoyable. Smile in a mirror at yourself, this helps our brain. Or cry and cry till you cant no more. Whatever helps you endure another day. You are doing amazing Rod.

Here always... vent, cry, ramble away anytime!!

Hugs and tissues, from me to you.

[Rod32]

Renee, I am grateful for your comments, in so much pain yourself and taking the time to help me.

I seems the people here are the best human beings I have come across in,I don't know how long, it appears that trying to help others "ironic" that we are perhaps helping ourselves, I know while talking to you I seem to have a moment of clarity, it unfortunately doesn't last.

Last night was so bad and I hoped not to wake again. No such luck,it's after midnight writing this to you and I feel a little bit more settled and I intend to see tomorrow at the moment. Please let me know how you are now,let it all out warts and all you may possibly find it cathartic. Renee you have my love and respect and I look forward to hearing from you again

Cheers

Rod

[geoff]

Hello Rod, this 'moment of clarity' tends to expand its time, because in her new relationship you don't know how they are fitting in together, and whether or not they are arguing about more problems that you and she didn't prove to be any problem.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mishmo]

Morning Rod,

Thats so good to hear, that moment of clarity is progress. Yes it may only be a moment in time, a smidge of your day, but its growth in the right direction. Once we have these moments of clarity, positive thoughts, we then slowly learn to look back on these moment in our lower moments to help pull us out of the darkness enough to fight yet, another day. (If that makes sense)

Yes my psychologist knows how much helping others helps me, hence shes suggested I spend more of my time/days in helping others where I can. Finding those who do need me in their lives. Rather then focusing on those who do not need or want me. Is why I found a support group to try out and see how I go. Be my first ever tomorrow night, very anxious but I will tackle it head on nerves, nausea and all. It must be done lol. Yes over the years I have become a hard head in my mission to better health for myself. Learning to push through the negative thoughts and feelings and hopefully come out the other side better for it. Yes sometimes I do not succeed ("fail" as some call it) and end up feeling worse, but it helps me learn... to be stubborn enough to try again haha (or sometimes take some me time first, regroup before trying again) Because WE ARE WORTH IT. No matter what that inner depressive voice is telling us. Its such a negative nancy at times... party pooper.

I have this negative perspective of always have to seeing where I was and where I could of been, or where I should be etc (with my life and emotions). So am learning to enjoy the rugged journey and finding my "new" perspective. One such thing I do try more often is stepping outside my box and looking in (seeing myself and my emotions as if I was helping someone else, cause I always treat others much nicer then I do myself) This is sometimes the only way I do see that being not ok, is ok and I am doing amazing. Focusing on those glimpses of times of clarity as we spoke of earlier.

Ok I feel Im rambling, sorry. Hope it somewhat makes sense. I do tend to send myself down a never ending spiral of ... unknown and words and ... then be like, what was I talking about?! Hahaha. My brain tends to wonder off into lalaland at times. Maybe my way of being cathartic?! Who knows... Anywhoo...

(oops ran out of characters... to the next post we go hehe)

.....to be continued!

[Mishmo]

....being continued (Please see previous post first)

I am so glad you have had enough clarity in one day to help get you to this next day. Thats WINNING in my books for sure. We only need to take life a day at a time and sometimes, just hour by hour. I sometimes find myself doing mindless gaming, art, nature watching or tv watching to make them hours past faster. What do you tend to do to help the feelings past faster? Whats something in your life you really love doing? Something 'for you'! ...Oh or a coffee and child free time is so good. I was taught to try push myself to do things I would normally really enjoy, even if in the moment I am hating every second, to help retrain the depressive thoughts. Which some days is everything. But also remember, if today all you did was survive, thats amazing too.

I hope you wake even a smidge better today, and if not, thats okay too... I am just glad you woke. Yes I care very much. If I can ask of one thing?... pretty please keep waking each day...

Hugs and tissues, from Me to YOU