Thoughts about self-harm, past struggle with suicidality

[Cron_Crust]

Hi,

So I'd like to preface this by saying that I have really struggled with speaking candidly about my suicidal thoughts. But recently, I witnessed someone speak about their addiction before an audience and I really admire their strength so I'd like to replicate that to the degree that I'm comfortable with in my own life. Apparently my comfort zone only allows anonymity so I'll roll with that, I guess...

I have been diagnosed with depression and have struggled with it since the age of 11. I have always downplayed my struggle because I didn't want people to pity me or worry too much. And to some extent, I never been able to truly allow myself to acknowledge my struggle because I have a cushy life. My parents have good jobs and on the surface everything is perfect. I have a close relationship with my mother who has always welcomed me to be vulnerable and talk about my struggles, I have been reminded by members of my social circle that this kind of relationship with an immigrant parent of my cultural background is like having struck gold and it is quite true. I am incredibly grateful and that's part of the reason I feel like I am spoiled and perhaps haven't faced much in life and maybe I'm complaining when I should be thankful for how loved and cherished I am.

Onto my suicidality, I often fantasise about suicide and how I would do it. Because I am worthless. I deeply hate myself. I am ashamed to say that I came close to self-harming last year. I have so many reasons to hate myself that I often wonder what it is that is holding me back. Is it family? Friends? Or my cowardice? All I see when I look in the mirror is someone who is undeserving of her life.

To add to my amazingly low self-esteem, is the fact that I am not straight. Queer is the label I prefer but bisexual also works. I'm from a Christian family so I would literally be a social pariah if I ever came out. I can't really imagine myself in a relationship and I also identify as ace to an extent. I also like being christian and my religion's teachings do resonate with me so that complicates things infinitesimally. Anyway, the word count allows no more ramblings for this post so...

[Sophie_M]

Dear Cron_Crust,
 
Firstly, let us welcome you back to the forums. Thank you for having the courage to share your struggles, we are glad you are seeking support from the community.
 
We understand that these thoughts and fantasies could be distressful and hope that you are engaged with a mental health professional to discuss these thoughts and how you feel about yourself. We believe you and your life have value and it sounds as though your family, especially your mum does too. Feeling isolated in both the LGBTQI+ and Christian community must be difficult, we have provided a link to QLife below to discuss how you feel with others who have experienced similar.
 
When your suicidal fantasies are causing you distress, we would recommend the suicide call back service. They offer a range of contact methods that can be accessed via Suicide Callback Service or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are in danger of acting on your thoughts of suicide or do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
As mentioned we would also like to recommend contacting QLife. They’re a free and anonymous service run by LGBTIQ+ peers for those wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings, or relationships. They operate between 3pm and midnight each day and can be called on 1800 184 527 or chat via QLife Online Chat.
 
You can always contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 224 636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here.
 
Thank you for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

[Petal22]

Hi Cron Crust,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would feel hard.

I believe that the more we can openly talk about our struggles then the more healing we will be able to obtain from within.

Yes talking openly can take courage just like the person who spoke about their addiction in front of an audience, but when we find that courage and speak from within it creates a certain type of power within us.

Being able to speak out is a very empowering thing to do, and one of the best things that can come out of it is that it can help others to speak out too.

Ok your queer and that’s ok, have you tried to accept this yourself?

You are who you are and that’s ok……. 

Im sorry to hear that you hate yourself I understand that this would cause you to have alot of negative emotions inside yourself.

You really can be free of this but to be free of it you need to learn how to love yourself.

Please tell us more if you want to… we are listening.