My therapist made it clear we have issues with our professional relationship.
I came out from my first trip in a mental health ward and had a support worker who visited me twice every week and was there for me between these meet-ups. From then, I was transferred to a community mental health team and assigned a therapist who only saw me once a week.
I used to have breakdowns mid-week, and would attempt to call or email her and ask for calls for support. Most sessions, I was unable to speak truthfully due to anxiety, and would send clarifying messages after.
Overtime, she began to say my calls were not helpful, and overall gave off a vibe that I shouldn't call her. She was always busy, so I was very anxious to call.
Eventually, she said no to all texts and emails based around therapy, which had become my only way to communicate truthfully to her. I tried to suggest other options, like maybe some kind of personal chat room for our sessions (which were almost always calls during COVID times) but she said it wasn't allowed in any text format. She said it wasn't "therapeutic" and was crossing boundaries, even when it was me trying my hardest to be a helpful client.
I know I am dependent on her, and she said so too. I brought up the possibility of dependent personality disorder, but she didn't really...focus or continue that conversation. (Not diagnosed with it). She never really helped me understand my dependency, or work through why it was there, or come up with alternatives or anything. Is it my fault? Was I acting out of turn and being a bad client? Cause that's how I felt every time she told me my emails were out of line and ignored my texts trying to explain. Should she have focused more on trying to help me cope with these dependent emotions? I feel like she sort of just...cut me off. And maybe that's the only way, but it didn't help me to get over it at all.
This experience happened earlier this year, and since then I have only become more meek around her. I never say no or assert myself, I blame myself for everything the time. I never want to bother her, seeing her makes me want to cry. I feel so angry that this was allowed to go for so long, but I hate myself for feeling anything negative toward her. The whole thing has given me a LOT of self-loathing. We tried a new psychologist, and I immediately had the same problems.
Are there therapists who can help me deal with this specifically?
(Sorry for such a long post ;-; It's very complicated)
