The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Centaured]

When I see a GP today I plan to talk about my self harming and suicidal behaviours. I'm terrified. I've talked to people about it before yes, but not a dr, not at least for a year, idk what I'm expecting, I guess I just want someone to hear me out, I feel so on edge lately, like I'm trying so hard and holding to hope and everything but these dark thoughts keep creeping in, I feel like I'm a dam wall about to break by the flood of it all and I can't keep the waters back, I'm trying so hard to, but I feel like I'm cracking. I guess in seeing my GP today I'm hoping someone will see beyond the strong facade Ive been showing the last week and see I'm still struggling to cope with life.

Idk why I wrote any of that. I guess I'm scared, I desperately want my life to change, but I feel like that and everything else is impossible, and thought of being like this forever, well, I don't a forever if that's the case.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thank you for sharing an update here. It's really good that you're seeing the GP later and will talk about your self harming and suicidal behaviours.

We're sorry to hear you've been feeling like you've been showing a facade, and not felt like those around you are aware of how you're feeling. That must feel so isolating. Thank you for being able to share that here - it's a really difficult thing to do, but it can be such an important step towards feeling better. It could be worth taking a copy of what you've shared here to your appointment, in case you have any trouble expressing yourself to the GP.

We're reaching out to you privately to offer a bit more support, we hope that's ok. Please always remember that if you are unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self harm at any time, you should call 000.  

Thanks again, Centaured.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Centaured]

So I ended up chickening out. The dr felt rude and obnoxious. I think it's just coz they're so busy and with so little time.

Everything seems pointless rn. Idk anymore.

[Petal22]

Hi Centaured,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s so hard to feel we can open up to a health professional about the way we are truly feeling and going through.

I was terrified aswell Centaured, I thought that they would think I was crazy and would lock me up………. BUT this didn’t happen the opposite happened the doctor understood and wanted to help me.

Throughout my mental health journey I’ve seen all different health professional and every one of them wanted to help me and I’m now recovered thanks to their help.

Centaured please make another appointment book a double appointment so you have more time with the doctor.

I know you can do this and your life can be so much easier with the correct help.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Do you feel the doctor was actually rude and obnoxious? Could be. If so, try a different doctor. As Petal22 suggests, try again while aiming to get the result you're after. Personally I wouldn't settle for a rude and obnoxious doctor. They're just far too triggering and not all that good for self esteem. I tell you what Centaured, I wish I was completely and utterly fearless. There are a few GPs in the past who I would have happily confronted, based on their behaviour. Only ever confronted one doctor in my life; was actually one of my mum's new specialists. She was in hospital and in a pretty bad way at the time. The specialist who treated her I would describe as unbelievably arrogant and incredibly dismissive. He treated my mum like a fool, speaking down to her something shocking and ignoring many of her questions. Don't know what part of me that dude channeled but, I tell you what, I suddenly yelled at him 'EXCUSE ME, DON'T YOU SPEAK TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT!'. I'm typically a shy person, so this shocked everyone in the room, myself included. He walked out the door in a huff. The specialist who took over, at my mum's request, reported the other guy as being top of his field in this country and as not being a favourite of some patients. Don't care what he's top of, what we don't want is someone leading us to feel incredible dis-ease, something the body really feels on so many levels. Don't give me a doctor who triggers my nervous system, unless it's to feel a sense of peace or ease. By the way, at the GP clinic I go to, I'll only ever see the nice ones who do their job well. The rest are far too rude and obnoxious in my opinion. Just can't tolerate them, they're too agitating.

The way you describe how you're feeling at the moment, like a dam wall that's about to break/gradually cracking, I think that's a good start (a clear description) when it comes to telling the GP how you're feeling. It makes it clear that you're not coping with the pressure build up.

[Centaured]

So things broke pretty bad on the weekend, I ended having 3 consecutive suicide attempts landing me in hospital each time. Stupid thing was I told them I would do it again and they discharged me immediately I was medically cleared following them all. I give up on the system. This is the only place I feel like I can be heard for the shit going on in my head.

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I can only begin to imagine the desperation and incredible disappointment you must be feeling, which I'm sure just touches the tip of the emotional iceberg.

I believe, if you want to find out how broken a system is, whether it be the mental health system, the legal system, the Australian academic system, the medical system etc, just talk to those who've been let down by it on a regular basis. I think this is one of the main reasons we have people who work hard to introduce new laws and/or standards. They're the people who are most fed up or triggered by broken systems. They're either the people who've suffered through them or those with great compassion who have witnessed others suffer through them.

Having worked with adults with intellectual challenges some years ago, the introduction into this field was heartbreaking. Learning the history behind this field was also shocking. I just couldn't believe the shocking standards within institutions and the lack of rights in existence that led up to the 80s, when things finally began to change in significant ways. So much incredible sufferance and neglect before basic rights and seriously constructive support was introduced. Still, improvements continue to take place yet it is a slow and heartbreaking form of progress for those who continue to fall through the cracks.

I think there will always be cracks remaining throughout certain systems and they can be cruel, thoughtless and neglectful cracks and it's just wrong on so many levels. They are damaging cracks overlooked by the ignorant. It's the brilliant that see them. So, I'll ask a brilliant person who has felt and continues to feel the pain that such cracks provide, I will ask you how you would fix the system. What would the system look like if it worked the way it was meant to? What do you see?

[blondguy]

Hi Centaured

(Hugs) if thats okay...You are a part of Beyond Blue and have been for a long time too!

13 11 14 Lifeline

I volunteer outside of the forums Centaured and our friends at Lifeline are caring... calm and respectful

we are listening

my kindest always

Paul

[Chris_Tas]

Centaured are an extremely good person.

You do however seem stuck in a pattern.

How can I or anyone help you in changing this pattern?

[Centaured]

Yeh Chris I'm stuck in a horrible pattern. I get ok for a few days then come crashing down for not much apparent reason. I have been self harming most of my life and been on and off suicidal for a long time. I have terrific support around me but can't seem to change.

Im hoping for good outcomes out of my NDIS review today. I need additional external supports rn. My support coordinator said it could take about 12 weeks for the new housing to get approval but is hopeful that it will happen. I'm trying to hang in there for this move, my house is one of my biggest triggers for a while.

I don't know what the answer is for me. People say it gets better, for me I don't know of that will ever be the case, but I/we have to try huh. I got to hang in there for it to happen.