The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Centaured

We are sorry to hear that you are struggling again. We are wondering if your chronic pain has become quite a bit worse again? If so, have you discussed it with your GP?

We are also wondering if you are under the care of a chronic pain specialist? We understand that medical specialist practitioners may have more specialised information and treatment options than GPs.

If you feel the need to talk, our phone in line is available 24 hours per day, every day, at: 1300 22 4636. Please feel free to ring at any time.

We most sincerely hope you start feeling better soon, and we are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Has your care team ever addressed any ways of constructively managing the mental and physical exhaustion you've been facing for years? That level of exhaustion in itself would be torturous, let alone all the other challenges you have to manage along with it. Do you think they're seriously underestimating the amount of energy it takes for you to get through each day? How do you imagine it would feel to be able to simply sleep for 2 or 3 days straight? Of course, it wouldn't resolve everything but do you think it would make some difference?

You mentioned in a recent post 'I need to see what the trauma and bipolar hid for so many many years'. Has the team addressed this need in any constructive way? Is this something you still want to do? I can understand if you've changed your mind a little, based on the level of complete and utter overwhelming exhaustion.

[Chris_Tas]

That is how you feel now mate.....the thoughts however WILL pass.

I know the back and forth all too well (still do) and one thing I've learned is to try and ride out those moments.

Please look after yourself.

Chris

[Centaured]

Sophie, the pain levels fluctuate depending on how much I do. I've seen a pain specialist in the past. I don't have a current GP tho.

Therising, I do have times where I sleep 2-3 days straight, it doesn't really help tbh. And my psychologist is working on unravelling my trauma, it is hard work and it sucks, but hopefully it will be worth it.

Chris, I get tired of riding out the the tiredness and the pain, but I understand what you're saying. The degree of SI ebs and flows.

[Chris_Tas]

Mate I don't have the answers you require. They will come though in time.

What I do know though is you are a great person and a survivor, AND yes that is very tiring (know it very well).

I also know the world is much better with people like you (and our excellent community here) in it.

Chris

[Centaured]

On a side note: I'm done, I'm over it, I wanna cry.

[Chris_Tas]

Well cry then!

No shame in crying at all.

In fact it helps me sometimes as it becomes "too much".

Your safety is my concern.

Are you safe?

[Centaured]

Hi Chris, thanks for the reply.

I wasn't safe yesterday and needed help...but I'm ok and I'm now in hospital.

Take care Chris, I still follow your thread and see you helping a lot. You're a good bloke Chris.

[Chris_Tas]

That's great to hear you're safe mate.

Hospital is a much better place right now - that doesn't mean it's long term.

Thank you but I'm just me mate.

Always honest, been through it all, so unlike many I know.

[Chris_Tas]

You're a top bloke too.

Don't forget that as I know it.