The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Guest_1643]

Hi c, sorry u were rejected for the bed and that getting help is so tricky

I hope u get through this and find some good ppl on Ur side. I know u moved interstate and have had so much change. I think u show amazing inner strength.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Please don't apologize for not posting. While it is good to hear from you we all understand, no worries.

As Sleepy21 said, it's a pity you did not get in the psych facility, though I don't know if it would have been a good one or not, they do vary, As I think on it I beleive it is the fact you now feel rejected and in the 'too hard basket' that has done the the most damage.

Still You did have a victory, you mentioned your voices and some action has been taken over that, and maybe come across a doctor who is prepared to try other means. For me that would be a ray of hope.

Do you think you will be remaining in the hospital for a while or discharged?

Croix

[Centaured]

I'm still in the emergency unit waiting for a bed. Tbh I just want to leave. I'm tired. So tired and I want to not be here, not bother waiting. But I know I need help, so for now I'll give it another night.

[Centaured]

I'm still in the emergency unit. All the psych wards in Perth have rejected my referrals for a bed and the drs here don't know what to do because this is supposed to be a max 72hr stay unit and they are at loss at how they can help.

Tbh I'm feeling lost and alone.
 

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Nothing quite as triggering as sticking us amongst a group of people who offer no solid guidance. Actually, even worse would involve being stuck amongst people who guide us in the wrong direction entirely, leading us to believe we're 'faulty'.

Bit of a flip in perspective: One could say another who's trying to 'help' us (when they're actually doing the opposite)

• It's not my fault I have the ability to be triggered to easily sense how hopeless you can lead others to feel
• It's not my fault I have the ability to completely detach from what is seriously depressing
• It's not my fault the kid in me wants to scream or cry when you trigger them to want to scream or sob uncontrollably. How is it my 'fault' that I can feel the pain you present me with?
• It's not my fault you can't lead me to better understand the parts of me that people trigger to come to life
• It's not my fault that you trigger the pure observer in me who can observe, 100% objectively, how insane all this truly appears

List goes on. One might even question 'How is it my fault that I can't tolerate the stressful situation you've put me into? People, start taking responsibility for goodness sake and stop blaming me or telling me this is all my fault or these are all my faults, when they're not!'.

One may even come to question 'Do these 'faults' actually relate to all my abilities - my ability to sense hopelessness when it is there, my ability to detach from what is depressing, my ability to sense when the child in me is feeling wounded, my ability to feel confusion at times as to who I am, my ability to purely observe when emotion threatens to get in the way of clarity?'.

I imagine, with the stays in hospital where you felt a positive difference, you couldn't sense complete hopelessness when meeting with people who led you to feel what 'hopeful' feels like. This feeling has such a light feel to it. I imagine, while feeling what inspiration feels like, it was not possible to feel the full force of depression. I imagine the child in you feeling like someone finally cared. And I imagine, with being given a kind of permission and acceptance, you felt free to be you. You may have even felt free to be confused and that was completely okay.

I think sometimes emotional exhaustion or that 'numb' feeling comes about as a result of feeling too much for too long. Sometimes, being told that numbness is our 'fault' or one of our flaws, takes away from it as being completely understandable.

[Centaured]

Yesterday I was discharged following another attempt during a sever depressive episode and bad spate of self harm presentations to ED.

I have no hope. I've given up. But something pulled me through and I'm once again picking my face out of the mud to fight this thing we call life.

I have decided to make my own business. Going to make and sell my own art. It's my birthday in just over 2 weeks and my present will be an ABN. In the span of the last month Ive been featured in 3 exhibitions and I'm so overwhelmingly grateful they could still go ahead despite my terrible headspace. Art has always been my passion and to I want it to be my future.
At soon to be 29 Ive never had a job. Never had a purpose. Never had something worth living for but so many people have had faith in me I need to find it for myself too. I need to see what the trauma and bipolar hid for so many many years.
So yeh...where to.... hopefully towards a better future.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured, 

Thanks you for sharing an update here today. It sounds like it's been a really difficult time, and you've been struggling to find hope. We've reached out to you privately to check you're ok, and we really appreciate you reaching out here and letting us know how things are going. 

We can hear you've been making some incredible steps towards feeling better, following your passion, and sharing your work. It's really inspiring to hear that. Thank you for sharing this perspective with the community. We're sure they'll be really happy to hear from you - you never know how sharing your story here can help others. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I think sophie_M is right, although you are having the most horrible time and not getting well looked after you have kept on going, and htat will help others in hte same boat.

I'm sure you know the idea of art is an excellent one, not because it is art, but becuse it is something close to you that you want ot do. Fancy having three exhibitions! That's pretty awe-inspiring.

Do you mind if I ask what is the subject matter of your art?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Centaured

You're an amazing person. I have so much respect for you. To live an easy life is easy, yet to live a life that feels impossibly tough to the point of torturous at times commands respect. When I read your posts, I'm left wishing there be someone who would show up in your life tomorrow and change everything for you through the most mind altering life changing revelation/s. Of course, I imagine you wish exactly the same.

Speaking of mind altering revelations, I wish to thank you for giving one to me. In you mentioning you have never had a job, this led me to think of the job I currently have (working as a kitchen hand in an aged care facility). Then it led me to think of the job I have as a mum and the job I have as a part time carer to my aging parents. I have so many different jobs. Only one is a paying job, in the way of cash. Eventually I reached my mind altering revelation - my #1 job in life, above all else, is to live and stay alive, to the best of my ability. If this happens to be everyone's #1 job, this would make you one of the hardest workers on the face of the planet. The ways you manage, under the circumstances you face, you could say the government supports you in your hard work. If you were paid accordingly, based on your experience and the amount of work you put in, you'd agree that you'd be one of the wealthiest people in the country. Personally, I'm a shocker at times when it comes to running the business known as 'Me'. Sometimes I feel like I'm running it into the ground. I've come to believe it's a matter of 'learning on the job', a kind of apprenticeship in managing what can be a very complex business at times.

I'm so excited for you, that the artist in you is fully coming to life with passion and drive. I wish I could see your paintings in my mind. I imagine I'd be stunned if I could see them. I would perhaps even be your first sale in your new business venture. Adding a new venture technically makes you an adventurer. Repeating or living life through the same ventures over and over everyday can get depressing, especially when those ventures are kind of hopeless or deeply depressing. I look at my life and think 'Where is the adventuring? Where has the adventurer in me disappeared to? In the sameness of the 'groundhog day' type of business known as 'Me', you've inspired me to add and invest.

There's only one way to find out if our ventures will pay off, we have to take the risk and invest our self in them.

[Centaured]

I want to die. I'm so fcking tired.