The beginning of the End

[PocketRocket88]

Today will be the day that will set me free from these inner demons and chains of deep sorrow and pain...

I will make most of this day and make the final arrangements for  those who matter to me... I will plan this day the best way I can and do what I wanted and needed to do before it all stops... 

I've accepted the fact that destiny and the world has been telling me that this is not where I belong... That nothing is holding me back here... And to where I'm going is and always was the place I should be... I won't resist anymore... I'll just take everything in and just finish whats left for me here... It's now clear to me that this is how it is and that it's meant to happen this way...

By end of day all these will stop and I will be free...

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing this update, and for your openness in sharing what's going on for you right now; we'd love for you to reach us directly on 1300 22 4636 or online.

We can hear you're fighting and working hard to stay safe through this. If you have a Safety Plan, it could be a really good time to check it out and take some steps towards staying safe. 

If this becomes an emergency, please call 000 (triple zero), or present to the hospital emergency department. There's also Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467.

Thanks again for sharing here. There's so much bravery and strength in that. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[james1]

Hello PocketRocket88,

Thanks for your post. I hope you've been able to get some help today as it sounds like you have been in a lot of pain.

I understand you don't feel like you belong and you're trying to finish up some things that matter to you. I really hope you can hold onto those things that do matter, and for the people who matter, because they're the things that often keep us going even through the hardest of times.

I had very similar thoughts and feelings about 5 years ago and would love to talk to you more about what happened for me, but I can also hear that you're struggling with your own inner demons right now and I don't want to take any focus away from your struggles and your pain right now.

It may be challenging, but please do let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. It seems there is plenty more to say, and I wanted to reassure you that this space is for you.

James

[PocketRocket88]

TW suicidal ideation and urges 

A day wasted all for what? Nothing! Went to work, cops turned up not long after, Ambos came and brought me to my local hospital, got to the hospital sat for a few minutes in resus bed, mental health team arrives, had a chat, then got discharged not long after,,, after all of that, Ive been having that urge.

See no matter what I say or do nothing is done to help me get thru this, all that I got from all that was feeling agitated irritated and annoyed not just to those who were involved but mostly to myself... Why do I ever bother asking for help when I get disappointed anyways... All that's been happening in my life upto now just makes me believe that these voices in my head are true... Having to Go thru the same disappointment each time, it deters me from even writing in this page for help.. I've had it with all these...

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

I can't help but wonder what in hell is wrong with those people around you who are meant to be helping you. While they may be doing what they're employed to do, based on the limitations they face, it's obviously just not enough. Above and beyond is what we need on one of the worst days of our life if not the worst day. I'm angry, angry at those people who just can't or won't get a sense of how you're feeling and what you need more than anything else. I'm really angry. I wish I was there with you, putting those inner demons in their place, really giving them what for. I'd be tearing them apart, giving them a serious run  for their money. I imagine they'd put up one hell of a fight but I just wouldn't let up until you felt a difference. Why do the people around you give up so easily? They shouldn't, they just shouldn't. They should be fighting for you, as I imagine you're now just too exhausted to keep fighting for yourself.

I know how it feels when no one appears to be fighting for you. It's angering and depressing. It can feel lonely and soul destroying. It's just so horrible.

While I know you plan to go, I'm wondering whether you could give some serious consideration to exploring a whole different avenue. While nothing psychological seems to have helped and while nothing physical feels like it's made a difference (such as maybe meds to shift your physical chemistry), would you consider a more soulful approach to managing those inner demons? For me personally, sometimes nothing other than a more soulful approach makes any difference when it comes to me finding myself in a deep depression at times. At this point, you could say you having nothing to lose by trying a soulful approach. If you say 'That kind of stuff is just not my cup of tea' consider this is perhaps something those inner demons are convincing you of. What if it's the one thing that leads you to manage them. Please give it some thought.

I wish I was there to serve you better, beyond this post.

Sending my deep heartfelt love to you on what sounds like the worst most challenging day of your life. I've met with my worst day and have felt how heartbreaking and soul destroying it can truly become ❤️

[PocketRocket88]

I'm currently on my way to work and currently listening to some gospel and pop songs... It seems to just make me realise that God has planned all these to happen to tell me that 'it's enough already, time for you to be free and be in a peaceful place than earth, I know you've had a tough life and so now let everything go so that you can finally rest and be in a place where you'll be more loved...'

I wish things were different but it's not... As much I'd like to try and turn things around I seemed to be that it's never enough and never ending. I want to feel content of what I got now which I am it's just that there seems to be missing in my life... Don't know what it is... I just want this to end so that I can finally breathe again...

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

We're sorry to hear that you’re feeling like it’s never-ending. It's really good that you're sharing this here, so thank you for being brave and open. We really hope you can continue to reach out when you're not feeling safe. You deserve to feel safe and supported, and we hope you know that this community is here for you.

Hopefully, we'll hear from some of the community once they spot your post, but in the meantime, our team is reaching out to you to check in and see if we can offer some more immediate support. We'd also love for you to reach out to us directly, on 1300 22 4636 or online. We're really sorry that you've had this experience where you're asking for help and not really getting the support you need. That's really tough, and we'd love to chat and work out some alternative next steps with you.

If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero), or present to the nearest hospital's emergency department.

Maybe you could help guide the community by sharing a bit about what you think might help you to stay safe while you're dealing with this?
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M

[PocketRocket88]

This past three days were really challenging to keep myself afloat... Juggling work stress and personal issues Mostly my mental health... Having not just the urge but the full planning of not just hurting myself but to actually end everything... Been in hospital the past two days still got nowhere but this very same spot. I feel that everyone is thinking of what a joke I am, that all I want is attention.... No one seemed to care about the severity and chances of it being the one that finishes this whole thing... I will be starting my DBT group again, I'm keen to do it but afraid that I won't be able to adjust properly and end up getting discharged from the group again... 

Work was so busy and exhausting. Cops turned up at work for me and got a packet to come have a chat with me. In that conversation was about the thoughts and urges and at that moment I just told her that I'm too tired to even think of it during that moment... Hence she just let me go... Now that I'm on my way home, it's starting to slowly creep in... Hopefully I'll just go straight to bed when i get home coz I don't know how I can save myself once chaos takes over my brain... One thing for sure is that I know that this forum and anyone from beyond blue can hopefully help me through this...

I need the motivation to distract myself from what is going on in my head and concentrate on things that benefit me... 

[PocketRocket88]

Day 4 of this never ending issue.. from the moment I wake up it's there... Constant nagging and pushing me to act on the plan... The constant reminding of why Its what's best for me and that there's no hope of this ever stopping or getting better... That constant thinking of how I'm going to do the world a favour when it's all over... What have I got to be loose once it's over? Well nothing really... If what these voices say are true then what the heck I'll do it and go out with a bang... No one seemed to care so I honestly couldn't care less on what happens to me lately... So yea... It is and it will be in the end.. I'll just do what I want even if it hurts... I guess a physical pain is not as bad as emotional and mental pain that I go through everyday...

[Junior1962]

I’m so sorry this is so hard for you. Fighting all the time is exhausting. 

This may be way off beam, so feel free to ignore it but …. Are you on any medication that could be producing these urges? I was once on an anti-depressant that made me want to self harm and make an attempt. Once I stopped taking it, my mood lifted urges went away.